The Most Wonderful Time?

Peaceful Barb posted this quote the other day that made me pause when I read it: "Remember: It's okay if right now is not 'the most wonderful time of the year.'" Yes, I follow a woman known as peaceful barb. And, yes, I think she is right on about 100 percent of the time. I read this, nodded and went about my day. For many, including the 17 year-old elf I live with, this truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Everything can seem magical - the lights, the tree, gathering with friends and families, the Christmas music, possibly the nonfat, no whip triple shot half peppermint mochas. It can be fun and exciting.

At work Christmas lights are up, stockings are out and it is quite festive. They even made me my own stocking with my name on it, so I guess I'm in. It is lovely. And the nice gifts we have received! This was so rare at the hospital but at my new place, this past week has brought a stream of chocolate, cookies, ornaments and well wishes.  I have my own difficulties at times with the holidays but enjoy much of the celebration and traditions. Even amidst all the joy and kindness, this quote lingered with me.

My coworker turned to me towards the end of my shift on Friday and asked me my weekend plans and said "is it terrible if I say I don't really enjoy Christmas?" "No," I said, without hesitation. Not at all. I know enough about her home life to know that this season is full of challenges, stress and some fear. I don't know how she does it and was glad she could be honest with me. Later, I talked to a friend about her plans for Christmas. She has scheduled herself intentionally with various activities because it is her first Christmas since her husband's death. 

But it is an image of one of my patients burned in my mind that I really can't shake. She was my last patient scheduled for the day. I have had her before and enjoy taking care of her. We are not much different in age. She is kind, positive and fighting a brutal cancer. She goes to a different location for her longer treatment day so her time with us is brief. I looked forward to seeing her and knew it would be a good end to my day.

As I approached her, she was decked out in Christmas attire because she had just come from a work celebration. But, something seemed really off. She looked spirited in dress, but was crying. As I got her settled and started talking to her, she told me that after her infusion, she was going to go home and have to put her dog to sleep. Instead of having him accompany her on her Christmas trip to visit family in another state, she was losing her companion. A few days earlier, the dog had an event which led to a trip to the vet and in quick succession a terminal diagnosis with very little time left. My patient was heartbroken. This had been her faithful companion for well over a decade. She showed me pictures. I sat with her for a bit and then felt like she needed some time to herself. As I walked back to my desk, I had an internal conversation with God. "This is TOO much. This seems so unfair." The cancer was enough. More than enough. Actually, even too much. But she was showing up for her infusions, showing up to work and staying as kind and positive as she could. But her dog? At Christmas? Really? 

She cried through most of her time at the clinic. I told her the only thing I could...that I was so, so, so very sorry. And, I can't stop thinking about her still. My heart goes out to her. After she left, I felt like God answered back. He reminded me that it isn't fair. It is heartbreaking. And living in this world can be so hard and so painful at times. It's part of living in such a broken world. And what He does, and what we can do, is to show up in the midst of it. To sit with someone in their heartache and say, I see you. We can say, I am so, so, sorry. We can hear that they don't like Christmas and be okay with it.

I am not trying to be a fun sponge. I am just trying to process my last couple of days and maybe throw out a reminder that while we are enjoying the festivities we remember and acknowledge the people near us that might not be reveling in the season or just be okay if we realize we are struggling too. I think that's a big part of what Christmas is really about anyway, right? It's about showing and sharing love because we are loved. Merry Christmas.

Becoming Me

When I was leaving work on Friday, one of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday because I was taking a few days off and not returning until after the big day. She jokingly said "29 again?" I laughed and said "yep." Then I paused and said "actually, no. I wouldn't go back to 29." She responded with "yeah, my 30's weren't so great either. I wouldn't go back to those." I left but it got me to thinking...because one thing I am ALWAYS doing is thinking. If I were to go back to one year instead of turning one year older...which one would it be? After pondering the idea for a bit and thinking through the last four decades, I thought...I would do this year again. That's what I would go back to.

This reality blows my mind. This was a HARD year...one of the hardest thus far I think. I had some big losses..with people and with my beloved dog Annie. I also changed jobs this year and left my beautiful supportive family at Providence Newberg. This change was harder than I could have ever imagined. This year has seen some very low lows. I have felt lonely and lost at times. I have wondered if life would get easier. I have contemplating the idea of going on medication at least temporarily to see if it could cease the feeling of drowning. I have cried tears I wasn't sure would stop. It has been a year.

But I have also had some pure joy. This year has included hiking the Grand Canyon with four beautiful souls. This was one of the best trips both physically and mentally I have ever taken. I also got to explore Boston with Jenny and Mason this past year - experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. I have met some AMAZING oncology patients that have given me a beautiful perspective on life. I have a better, solid relationship with my wonderful 15-year-old Audrey. I have hiked miles in forests around Oregon and Washington solo and with company. 

Even though  this year was hard, beyond hard, if I had to pick one to go back to, I pick 46. I am wiser than any other year. I am learning to be by myself. I am learning to like who I am (loving who I am may come later). I am catching myself before apologizing for who I am. I almost apologized to a friend the other day because I felt like I had been too much...too sensitive. But I didn't. I am going to work really hard to not apologize for all my sensitivity and presence. Because what I am starting to realize is that's what makes me who I am. Yes, I got in line twice when they passed out feelings BUT it serves me well in many areas of my life. I know it allows me to be really present for my patients. Also all these feelings have led me to have some phenomenal conversations with my kids. We talk about all sorts of things and I like to believe they know they can talk to me about anything.

I made a bucket list for myself on my 46th birthday for the year.  I completing almost all of it and the one I didn't, I will just carry over to 47. Better than repeating 46, I am going to fully embrace 47. I believe good things are ahead. Instead of recognizing what I am not, I am going to try really hard to celebrate and acknowledge what I am. I am going to look around and see who is still present even with all my big feelings. I am going to hike hundreds of more miles in our beautiful forests. I am going to take in all of Mason's senior year and send him to Rhode Island to fly. I am going to be the best me that I can. Let's do this 47.

Radiate Love

I had a patient last week who isn't much of a talker. I was just doing something simple for her but I already knew from past encounters that she wasn't the warm and fuzzy type. I can't blame her. She had been through a brutal diagnoses and treatment in a relatively short time. She had a lot to process. I get the feeling that she is one tough lady even outside the clinic. Kind of no nonsense. So, I knew what I was getting into when I went to get her labs. Not a lot of small talk. I asked her a few questions which she answered with as few words as possible and then there was silence as I went about my task. I resisted the urge to fill the space. Reality is..I talk to strangers all day. I can talk to pretty much anyone.  I can make small talk or talk to you about your fears and the reality of how hard life is and this diagnosis. The direction of the discussion I really try to leave up to the patient. But, I knew there was no benefit to fill the space with this woman. She had been through hell and was now coming out the other side. She didn't want to talk to me. There was no benefit to her in chit chat so, if I engaged, it would be because I felt uncomfortable. So, I decided against it. In that moment, I made a conscious decision to not fill the silence. I went about getting her labs and decided, in the silence, that I would do my best to simply radiate love.

When Mason and I were in San Diego for a golf tournament in the spring I saw the most brilliant tattoo on a barista when we stopped to fuel up. The tattoo on her arm was small and fairly subtle..."radiate love." Amazing. That's it. What if we just all radiated love? Brave to get it put in a tattoo -although I haven't ruled out the idea. It just could feel hypocritical or like too high of a standard if I am frustrated or angry (as I can get) but I have a "radiate love" tattoo on my arm. I know some of the words that emerge from my mouth can be not so loving. Tattoo or not, I have thought a lot about radiating love since spring. I am more often than not in situations in work or in my personal life where I am uncomfortable lately. And instead of focusing on my own angst or discomfort, I try to remember to simply radiate love. Turn the focus off of me and outward to whomever might need it.

The other day things were off at home. I don't remember the scenario but I do remember Audrey was anxious about a friend situation and overwhelmed about the amount of schoolwork she had. Mason has been navigating his schoolwork, a class at PCC and his college application. My work is a constant source of angst for me - but improving. Things just felt a bit off so after I arrived at work I texted my kids a message that was as much for me as them. "How about we just try to radiate some love today?" Really, the idea of just putting our own stuff in perspective and sharing a little good in the world. I felt better instantly.

I have been trying to get outside more lately. The outdoors recenters me and helps me feel whole and sane....and part of something much greater than myself. Lately, I have been hiking with friends as well as people I don't know well at all. I found myself next to someone on a hike this weekend who seemed much less comfortable than me. I think maybe groups...or people... weren't his thing but he was trying. I remembered what I had been working on and, after a failed conversation attempt, reminded myself to just simply radiate love. I don't know whether people can feel it or not but somehow it makes me feel better. I can still be present with them. See them and acknowledge them but not feel compelled to fill the silence if that's not comfortable for them.

There's a lot of unknown - for me and so many others. There are things we can control and things we can't. But, for this next month, whenever I find myself getting anxious or uncomfortable I am going to try to consciously stop and remember that if nothing else, I can radiate a bit of love. And, if  I get REALLY good at it, maybe it will become a tattoo. 

What makes you beautiful?

My friend gave me a 90-day gratitude journal when I started my new job. She thought it might be good for me to remember and focus on what I am grateful for during a difficult transition. I had no idea at the time how perceptive this was. Some nights I had to will myself to reach for that journal because I wasn't feeling grateful or loving or positive. I was just feeling incompetent, discouraged and tired. I finished it this week. I have been at my job closer to 120 days so clearly I wasn't successful every night but I am still so glad I saw it through. Each day you have to respond to two of the same questions - "What are you grateful for and why?" As well as "What am I looking forward to tomorrow?" My answers often were are simple as "coffee. I am grateful for coffee. Because I like the taste." As far as what I was looking forward to? Depended on the day but there were a lot of "practicing so I can be better." I haven't felt so incompetent at something for awhile. And because I now work five days a week, this means I had to wake up and go back to it each week day, even in the midst of the overwhelming feelings of discouragement. There might have been some tears, some cursing and some less than admirable behavior. 

The third and last question in the gratitude journal was what really got me each night. They were more thought provoking and interesting. Questions such as "Who made you smile in the last 24 hours and why?" and "Describe your favorite sound." I liked the third questions the best and it usually put me in a better frame of mind to end my day. Tuesday the last question really hit me though. I can't stop thinking about it. It brought me to tears and, despite having shed more than a few the past four months, I am generally not brought to tears easily. Something really has to get me before I am reaching for the kleenex. Don't accept this as a challenge.

So, the question Tuesday night? "What makes you beautiful?" At first I thought I had read it wrong. I'm thinking "what do you consider beautiful?" That's much easier to answer - the ocean, my kids..." I reread it. It was definitely "what makes you beautiful?" And in that instance, I started to cry. I have never considered being beautiful and what might make me so. I'm not sure why it brought out such a strong reaction. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I could actually see myself this way. The past four months have brought about an inordinate amount of negative self talk. I generally consider myself a positive person....maybe tending to be too much of a realist and not enough of an optimist at times but, fairly positive nonetheless. And when it comes to cheering on my kids or my friends? I am overwhelmingly positive. My belief in them and their capabilities is endless. But, why not for me? In that moment I realized I was doing myself such a disservice by spending so much time focusing on my limitations and the things that had been going wrong. I know I'm new to this field. I know there is a learning curve. I KNOW THIS. Yet, still, at the end of each day I was thinking about the iv I missed instead of the two that were successful. I focused on how much help I needed instead of how far I have come.

I almost put down the book after reading question 3. It seemed too hard to write what makes me beautiful. It felt hard and boastful and self serving. But, then I realized that was a cop out. How can I encourage my kids to believe in themselves and their strengths and their beauty if I can't do it for myself. So I picked the book up and I thought about it. I didn't write a ton but I wrote. It doesn't matter much what I wrote except that I believe what I put down. When I look at it now, I know the things I put down are true. My ability to listen was on my list. I know this is true. When I beat myself up for missing an iv or not knowing how to do something, I forget, that even though my patient might have been briefly inconvenienced for a period during our time together, that for the most part, my patients feel that I have listened to them and heard what they are telling me. I remember that their grand kids play soccer or their daughter is home from college. I remember that they went on a cruise and ask about their favorite destinations the next time they are in. I ask about their pain and listen to their answer. I know I hear them and I believe most of them know it too.

After completing this exercise I decide for the rest of the week I am going to try SO HARD to focus on what I did well during the day instead of what went wrong. I'm going to remember the traits that make me a good nurse instead of the ones that are a work in progress. And, guess what? The rest of the week was so much better. Not only was I not so discouraged at the end of the day, I was also having more success. I was better at sharing with my kids what was going well. The gratitude journal is now done and I also am recognizing I need to give myself a solid year at this job to feel less like a beginner, but I do feel more grateful. I feel like I am on a better path than I was even a month ago.

So, here's my challenge to you. Write down what makes you beautiful. For some people this is easier than for others. I don't think this is narcissistic. I think it is self care. If you find that you struggle with seeing what makes you beautiful, let me know. I can see it for you until you can see it for yourself.

Health Check

I went to the dentist last month. I had a hygienist I haven't had before. She looked in my mouth for awhile..too long. I braced myself for what might come next. Then she says "did you know you are a teeth clencher? You are doing a lot of damage in here. You should really consider a night guard while you sleep." Um...no, I didn't know I was a teeth clencher but, and I told her this, I don't find this surprising. I have been a little stressed. We proceeded with the appointment and she gave me the $500 estimate for the night guard. I looked at her and said, "can't I just work on my stress instead? It might be cheaper." She kind of laughed not knowing what to say to me. Thar's okay. Happens to me. I can be a little awkward. I was aware of my stress but not doing much about it. Summer has been so full -camps, new job, golf, colleges, dead car, etc. Just getting by it seems like -  which is a phrase I don't like saying or living.

I was forced to slow down and evaluate life  this past week when I found myself needing to apologize to two different people I care about for how I had responded to various situations. In both cases, I had been quick to anger and had not respond appropriately, or graciously...at all. Both friends graciously accepted my apologies and, good conversations ensued. That's what I love about the people around me...the willingness to talk through hard feelings and come out more understanding friends on the other side.

These interactions and the teeth clenching, in addition to some other situations this summer, have gotten me to thinking more about my own mental health. Mason ran out and got the paper yesterday morning and we finally had a bit of a slower morning (probably because he was sick. He's not one to slow down much).There was an article about the prevalence of mental health issues in the workplace and how they aren't being addressed properly. I believe the statistic was 1 in 5 people in the United States have a mental health diagnosis. The most common ones, anxiety and depression. I don't find this statistic surprising. In nursing, it is very common for patients to be admitted for a medical diagnosis but they also have a mental health issue on their problem list. I remember enjoying my psych rotation in nursing school but deciding that there is enough psych on regular nursing floors to meet my interest. Another sad reality? There is often at least one individual, if not more, each day being held in the local emergency departments because they came in for suicidal ideation. They can not be released until they have an appropriate safety plan in place which may involve going home or finding a bed at an inpatient psych facility.

So, why do I mention this? Because I know how important mental health is. I know this. I see it in my work and I see it in my life outside of work. I have people close to me that have struggled with depression. I have been told by a trained professional that I have anxiety. I am a functional anxious person. I am not on medication but I do not judge those that are. Everyone has their own story, own path. I do not know if I will need medication in the future. I know for now what I need to do to be healthy and cope well with stressors in my life. And after those two regrettable interactions this past week, I realized I am not doing most of them.

My counselor knows I run to help my stress and anxiety. She suggested I up my mileage this summer. For me, managing stress involves running, hiking, gardening, reading, writing, time with the people I feel most seen and heard by, and some time by myself. My work takes a ton of my emotional and physical energy - a combination of the nature of the job as well as being new to oncology and hematology. So it is even more important right now that I am doing those things that I know recharge me. Everyone has different things that recenter them. Mason seems to be recentered on the golf course. Audrey actually NEEDS to be around people for recharging. This boggles my mind BUT I know it's true for her and others.

So, in hopes of managing my teeth clenching and my stress, I am looking at my calendar and making sure I get more hiking, digging and being quiet back on there. Being healthy mentally is too important to not take it seriously. I tell this to my kids too. I reiterated to both of them this week that I am always here to talk to...about anything. And, if they are uncomfortable talking to me, I can get them connected with other resources. And if they have a friend that needs help..let's talk about it. It is too important. So here's to keeping friendships intact and staying away from night guards.

Summer...coming in hot

In my mind, the approach of summer brings thoughts of sleeping past 5:30, bbqs, less of a schedule. None of this is real. As I sat at the pool in Black Butte on Saturday, enjoying the 48 hour vacation I tried to cram in to try to make up to Audrey the fact that all the other free time thus far has been on the golf course, I saw these two sisters under four throwing spectacular tantrums. Their poor mom was trying to gather all their stuff as fast as she could while trying to keep her cool and get them all out of there. The family closest to her reassured her, “you are doing a good job here.” Yep. Let’s encourage one another. This parenting stuff is hard work. When she left I said to the family next to me who also had young kids, “it gets better.” “Really?” they asked hopefully. “Yep. Well, it gets different. But you can talk to them. Easier, I think.” Summer never really is the same as the picture in my mind. Less schoolwork for the kids is a nice break for sure. But my schedule is now not flexible at all so I am faced with all I am missing this summer. Not as much time with them as I would hope for. Also, one kid at a golf tournament or practicing most of his waking hours and the other one searching for things to do at home. The word bored was outlawed on day one so activity challenged might be a better description. 

We are all trying to find our groove and it might take us until fall but this weekend has provided a nice moment to breathe and reevaluate everything that has happened so far and where we all are. Last week was a wild one. I get one week off this summer. I negotiated it at the start of my new job and even so, it was hard to come by. The week was going to be centered around a golf tournament near Boston and several college visits. About a week ago I had just finished details, travel arrangements and Mason had been talking to some schools. I love Boston and was excited to spend the week with him there. I was down to just renting a car but everything else was in place...until it wasn’t.

There are a couple events with Oregon Junior Golf that you get invited to based on how you have played in several summer tournaments. When we made the arrangements to Boston we knew that it conflicted with one of these events, the Junior America’s Cup. The top four boys in points for the season go as a team, this year the host is Canada, and  they represent Oregon. When I asked Mason about a month ago he assured me it most likely wasn’t a reality for him. He hadn’t been playing as well as he would have liked and was not near the top four. So we planned. As I was on the 18th hole of his three day tournament last week, one of my friends and the mom of another golfer, asked me if I realized Mason might be one of the four. Poor woman. Totally caught me off guard. Not on my radar. "Are you sure?” I asked in a bit of a panic. She thought so and asked if Mason had his passport. Um...no. Because he’s going to Boston, not Canada? 

To make a long story short, he made the team. It was announced right after the tournament. It’s a bit of a blur. He’s looking at me wondering if he can actually go on this trip? No idea. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I told him I was proud of him. I was. I am. But my head was spinning. I’m not great with change. I would love to tell you at that moment I smiled, clapped and was at peace that it would all work out. That would be bullshit. I unraveled. I talked to both Masons’ coaches lamenting what to do. They were gracious and kind as my head spun. We were then ushered to a parents’ meeting that talked about all the details of the Canada trip and the boys tried on these fancy green blazers they all wear to the banquet. As I am half processing these details, I am running through my choice to pick “nonrefundable” on some of the hotels and airline tickets to Boston to save money. It was too much. We asked the Oregon Junior Golf guy that takes the boys how long we had to decide if Mason could go- he gave us until the next morning. As we sat there in the meeting I realized I was beyond overwhelmed. It was too much. I looked at one of the other moms and said “I have to go.” She was so gracious. She knew the situation and saw me in the moment. She held the door open for me and said “you go. It’s okay.” I knew she had my back. Bless her. I just needed a few minutes to breathe...To realize this trip with Mason and me might not happen...To realize that this decision, while mine to speak into and guide, would be more up to Mason. 

I came back a few minutes later and took it all in. Mason, Michael and I left the course and hashed it out over burgers and beer. Actually,  come to think of it, I was the only one with burgers and beer, but we hashed it out nonetheless. He’s going to Canada. He will take a red eye when they are done mid week and meet me for three whirlwind days in Boston. One of the schools won’t consider him since he isn’t playing in the Boston tournament. Unfortunate - but trade offs. This is what he wants to do. This is his dream. I get to be a part of it, but can't control it. Mason and I have had some great  conversations since. He told me he wishes I hadn’t been so stressed at the time and we could have just enjoyed the moment. That was hard to hear but it’s honest. I told him I know. I wish that too. But then I also went on to tell him that even though I wish that, it’s also part of who I am. I’m not carefree. I usually have multiple things spinning in my mind at a time. I internalize a lot so sometimes,  when there is too much, I get stressed and messy, it is part of who I am. I will continue to work on it, but some of it is how I’m wired. And I think some of the traits that are hard at times- the extra feely ones- make me a  good nurse, a good friend and, most of the time, a good mom.

I debated what I was going to do about my Boston trip. The idea of exploring Boston by myself is exciting for a day or two but not five. So I half jokingly said to my beautiful friend, come with? And she is. AMAZING. And when the day after all the decisions were made and I woke up with an emotional hangover...feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable that some people had seen me spin and not at my best... what does this friend say?? “But this is one of the things I love about you. If you were someone who were always capable of keeping it together, I can’t go to Boston with those kind. I adore you when you’re together. But I also count on your mess. That’s how I know my mess is safe with you.” Beautiful. Boston and Canada here we come.

Me.She.We.

I made a birthday bucket list in October - things I hope to accomplish in the year. It included hiking the Grand Canyon and reading a certain number of books. I am actually just about done. One item that was still outstanding was running a half marathon that I never had before. I run one every year but they tend to be repeats - not that I mind. I have found some lovely routes and have my favorite races. But this year I was challenging myself to run a new one. When I put this on my list I thought it would be more of a destination race. Like maybe a friend and I would make a trip out of a half marathon in Victoria or back East. Somewhere more exciting. I looked at a few but nothing was grabbing me or seeming like it would work out so I just kept increasing my mileage and figured something would reveal itself.

About two weeks ago I saw an ad for the Me.She.We. half in Wilsonville - not quite the destination that I had been thinking. I ignored it the first time but then it kept coming up on social media. The plans I had for this Saturday got cancelled unexpectedly and that was the day of the half. The ad came up again so I took a closer look. It's a really small race - This is how they describe it : "Me.She.We. Women's Half Marathon is an all women's run focused on celebrating and supporting runners of all abilities. Me.She.We.was created on the belief that everyone deserves a positive and supportive running environment. In order to create that, Me.She.We.eliminates any feeling of intimidation or inadequacy that many race environments create. Instead, Me.She.We. is a supportive space, that when you leave you feeling empowered and accomplished." Okay...sold. I like that. That pretty much sums up my last year. I have not done it alone. I have made it through this year with the support and encouragement of other women in my life. So I signed up. It wasn't the half marathon I had in mind when I made my bucket list but the description and the timing spoke to me.

Things have been a bit dark the past month in particular. Huge learning curve with the new job and I don't seem able to give myself any grace. It has been brutal. It has consumed all my energy and good will I'm afraid. Joy has been a bit harder to come by. I try to start each day optimistic but am much less so by the end. This defeat definitely then spills over into home life. The other night Mason and I were arguing over something - probably time management if I had to guess - and I lost my marbles. I channeled my inner drama queen and said something to the affect "I can no longer draw from a bucket that is empty." Um...not my best moment. This is a thought that should remain in my head and not shared in frustration with my 17 year old son. Mason looked a little concerned. But, I kid you not, 30 seconds later I got a text from one of my amazing friends and this is what it said "You are beautiful and enough and I love you." That was it. And it reminded me in that instant, my bucket is not empty. These beautiful women are continually filling it. You see, I get texts like that just about every day from this amazing group of women in my life. Women who have seen me at my worst and love me anyway.

I shared this text with Mason. Apologized for being so dramatic and spent and we worked through our differences. I then signed up for the race. I wasn't 100 percent sure I was ready but I felt like this was the run I was supposed to do - a run that was supportive of all women - meeting everyone where they were at...honoring all the effort regardless of the time it took them to complete their race. There were no special medals for people who finished first - everyone received the same support and honor. I can't say that my 13 miles was harder than the 10K that the woman next to me in the parking lot completed. I don't know her journey. Maybe that 10K was the farthest she had ever gone. It doesn't matter. She deserves the same applause.

So this weekend I ran my 13.1 miles. I showed up alone. I didn't know anyone else there - but it didn't matter. I felt supported and encouraged by all the women who participated - and the ones in my life who keep cheering me through the dark and the light. It was a great, beautiful run. I pr'd my 10K (because I suck at pacing) and then the last half slowed down. The scenery was phenomenal and it was nice to remember that even though I am in the midst of a steep learning curve in some areas, in others I have hit a stride. It was nice to feel competent and strong again even if it was out on the road rather than in my scrubs - that will come. It was a good reminder when we are in the midst of something new, lean on the comfortable at times even if it is just for the boost of confidence. It might be enough to get you through. It was also nice to be reminded that my bucket is indeed not empty but really quite full.

Courage to Change

This year has been full of changes.....so many it is almost dizzying. The irony is, I am not a huge fan of change. I am not always spontaneous and my initial response that I have to push past is, no, that sounds uncomfortable. So...for some one who doesn't like change, this year has been mind boggling.

I had no idea that changing jobs would be SO HARD. I am still in nursing. I have thought about oncology for awhile now. But actually making the change...unbelievably hard. Pink just came out with a brilliant new album...Hurts 2B Human. I love it. I love her. I find she speaks a lot of hard truth through her music - often interlaced with a lot of four letters words which I loudly try to sing over when my kids are around. They tell me not to worry about it so much...they have heard much worse at school. Anyhow, one of her songs is called "Courage." When I first heard it, I liked it but didn't give the message too much thought...until I started my new job. Then, with each passing day, I started to listen to the lyrics more carefully. "Have I the courage to change? Have I the courage to change?" Repeat.

Guess what??? Changing jobs takes FAR MORE courage than I anticipated. This is hard work. I was a good, competent medical/surgical nurse. I was generally liked. I understood my role. I could perform in an emergency. Oncology nursing? I don't always know what I am doing. I am a beginner. Even more than I thought. I am working with nurses that have been doing this 8+ years. They are like a family and I am the odd one out. I have a lot of questions. A lot. Being a beginner again is kind of a blow to the confidence and the ego.

So each morning, during my workout, I have started listening to Pink's words more carefully....do I have the courage to change? Can I trust in this process? Can I believe that my interest, desire and baseline skills will help move me past beginner eventually? Can I keep walking in with a knot in my stomach and sometimes crying in my car after work believing that I will get this? That I will eventually become skilled and competent again even thought it seems a stretch at the moment?

I can't say I always answer yes to these questions. It has been a hard several weeks. Don't get me wrong - the nurses and staff have been amazing. They are kind and I think I am way harder on myself than they are on me. When I asked my preceptor if I was even close to where she thought I should be, she didn't hesitate and said "I think you are ahead." Funny because I feel like an idiot. But, it was reassuring for a second.

But....in my best moments, when I stop long enough to hear my own voice...I do say yes. Yes, I have the courage to change. Yes, this is what I want. Yes, it is CRUMMY to feel like a beginner again instead of any expert but being stagnant just for comfort isn't the best alternative. I finished this book last month where one of the messages suggested not to worry about being the best, but be the best at getting better. (The Passion Paradox) I like that.

And, when I can't convince myself, I look to my amazing support system. That's the truest thing I have learned before embarking on any scary change...check to see who is with you. You have to have at least three or four people standing there as your cheering section. And I'm not talking people who tell you "oh you will be great." I am talking about people who will take your call when you are crying in your car. People who will meet you for pizza and beer after their 12 hour shift because they know you are in a rough spot. People who say "I will sit with you in the dark until you can see the light." I am fortunate enough to have these people and I have leaned on them tremendously the last year. They are my flashlights reminding me that growth can involve some painful stretching...but I am up to the task.

I know it will get easier but in the meantime, I am singing along to Pink each morning as I lift weights convincing myself that I have the courage to meet this day and continue to be a beginner. It's going to take awhile... but sometimes the best things do. And I can't forget the patients I have met. I have met some truly beautiful people. Beautiful. I spent some time talking to a women with a pretty poor prognosis. She knew I was new. Everyone knows I am new because most have been coming for months, if not years, to the oncology clinic AND I also usually have another nurse with me since I am training = a sure sign of a newbie. After spending some time with this woman she was getting ready to go and she looks at me very sincerely and she says, "You are going to be great here. I can tell. Really great." My heart exploded. This is it. If she has the courage to keep showing up, I have the courage too. 

A Heart Broken and Full

I have been thinking about this dichotomy a lot in the past couple of weeks. It seems on first glance that both can't be true at the same time. But I'm telling you...they are. My heart is both. Right now. And, it will keep happening for awhile...and then will happen again. I am living proof.

On Sunday, I received messages from both Michael and Audrey that Annie seemed off...lethargic, not eating, peed in the house. I knew she had been fine the day before so figured something simple like a urinary tract infection. Took her in Monday just to be sure. As the appointment continued on, it became apparent this might not be a simple infection. After a couple of days and several tests, I learned my sweet, joyful, life giving, hiking buddy has a tumor on her heart as well as cancer in her lungs. It has taken me all week to wrap my head around this. I am cherishing my time with her right now as I know it is extremely limited. My heart is absolutely broken. I counted on the fact that we would have her with us for at least a few more years. A few more days is now the reality. But, when I look at her and think of our times in the woods, at the beach and just watching a movie, I KNOW we are better for the time we have had with her. My heart is full knowing what she has added to our life in the last five years. I will cherish every last smile and tail wag she is willing to give me. I would not change bringing her home when she was 4 (or 6, verdict is still out) even though the pain I am experiencing and having to watch my kids' experience is excruciating. It has been absolutely worth the time we have had.

I was already contemplating this notion of broken and full before Annie's diagnosis as I have other major changes in my life right now. The same day I learned Annie's final prognosis, I gave my notice at work. Most people I work with still do not know that I am leaving because it is hard for me to talk about. Broken and full. At the end of April I will be working as an Oncology Infusion nurse at OHSU. I have such mixed feelings about this move. Don't get me wrong....I chose this. But the choice has been extremely challenging.

I thought I would be at Providence Newberg until the kids graduated from high school. It is so convenient to my house, my schedule is pretty good and the staff is like family. I don't say that lightly. These people are MY people. The nurses, certified nurse assistants, hucs, housekeepers, dietary staff, chaplain....they have loved me, encouraged me, laughed and cried with me. I have found presents in my locker, notes on my computer, presents on my doorstep. I get encouraging text messages and coffee brought to me at work. I love these people. If you are reading this now and wondering why I haven't told you I am leaving, it's because I am SO SAD to leave you.

What I have learned though is sometimes you have to go. This past year it started to become more clear to me that this was no longer my place. I am weary over the battle for adequate staffing and appropriate acuities. In my role I felt like I was asking people to do things I wasn't always comfortable with. The primary focus should be taking exceptional care of the patients. But, still being so conflicted, I didn't actively search but kept my eyes open just in case.

I have known for a bit that oncology would be my next move. There is something appealing to me about the mix of this patient population combined with all the education and learning I will need related to the medications and therapies. Head and heart. So I kept my eyes open. I saw the job with OHSU and applied. I didn't hear anything for a long time which didn't surprise me since I don't have any oncology experience. But then I got a call....and an interview....and two more. I decided to just keep moving forward and going through the doors that were opening. Finally I had to admit to myself, I wanted this job. I ran the pros and cons SO. MANY. TIMES. A few cons were the schedule (M-F, 8-5). I way prefer 12 hours. The other one....leaving my people. But, when my friend very subtly told me that my current job was killing my soul, I knew it was time. I need to go. My kids were great about it. I sat down with them and told them how different it will be - I can't walk with them most weekdays during their golf tournaments when I switch. I will be home for dinners now but I won't just be around on the random Wednesday. They were great. Audrey reminded me that high school golf wasn't going to last forever and the stress they see in me isn't worth the flexible hours.

So, here I am. A heart broken and full on so many levels. I will cherish my time with Annie. I will cherish the rest of my time with my Newberg coworkers. They have made me a better person. I will take them with me as I move into the next adventure and I will remember that even when the pain seems UNBEARABLE, the journey is worth it. I wouldn't trade the experience and the joy for any thing.

Dulling the Edges

I follow Glennon Doyle on Instagram and have read both of her books. Love her messages. Among many other things, she's a recovering addict. She recognizes life is hard and that you have to show up anyway. Numbing it away by busyness, alcohol, drugs, phone/computer screens - doesn't make it easier. Numbing just prolongs the pain...and the joy. Both. I believe in the message that you just have to show up. Stop numbing. Speak truth. Deal with whatever it is. You can't fully know joy unless you fully know pain. And this world can be PAINFUL. I get that.

I don't have many addictions - especially ones that are harmful to my health. I LOVE my coffee and don't want you to ask me to give it up but, generally, it's not harming me or anyone else. I have trouble slowing down. That's a bit of a problem. My sweet friend got me a book entitled "Sit" for Christmas. I got the message loud and clear. I don't do it. It's hard for me to be still. I somehow equate productivity with worth. I am aware of this - work in progress. I am also trying to be more aware of my time in front of a screen. Trying to actually look around me and make eye contact with strangers - at the coffee shop, grocery store. Usually they are more interesting than the screen but it's hard to pull away.

In the mail yesterday I had an advertisement complete with coupons from Camel. That's right - the cigarette company. They should fire their marketing person. I am not sure what about me makes me a good target for cigarette mailings? My running and nursing magazines? My obsessive gum chewing? I am not taking up smoking. ZERO interest. But, keep sending me mailers. I am happy to waste your resources.

I don't drink too much but I do like red wine and my new favorite, bourbon lattes. It sounds even more appealing after a crazy day at work. I like meeting my friends for beer and nachos. I am very aware that I have a family history of alcoholism so I keep that in mind. I get the appeal of drinking at the end of the day to lessen some of the crazy and chaos - to take the edge off. And I like the taste. I'm not judging you if this is your ritual. If I have an open bottle of wine, I can easily have a glass every night. After the last few months, which has included being pretend "shot" by a patient, falls and several codes, I could have used drinks on several occasions. Ironically, my liver can't handle much alcohol at the moment so being fully present and dealing with things head on is my only real option.

I was diagnosed with tuberculosis in October. Before you panic and wrack your brain if you have been in close proximity to me in the last few months, let me affirm I AM NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN CONTAGIOUS. Yes, tuberculosis can be a terrible, highly contagious disease but there are TWO different kinds - active tuberculosis and latent. Latent is not contagious. The only reason I even know I have it is I needed to have some blood work done to volunteer for an organization. Imagine my surprise when the TB test came back positive. I had a moment of freak out but our knowledgeable infectious disease nurse at the hospital talked me off the ledge when he asked me if I had any symptoms. When I assured him that I did not and even ran a half marathon the day before, he relaxed and said with confidence "you have latent tb. I am sure of it." He was right, my chest x-ray confirmed it. He also visibly relaxed when, upon questioning me about possible exposure, heard that I had spent two weeks in India. Even though there is a very small chance I was exposed at work, it is much more likely that I came into contact with someone with active TB in India.

The bummer is that even latent TB requires treatment. So, I have an infectious disease doctor and am just finishing my four months of antibiotics. Fun fact: the antibiotics make all my body fluids, including tears, orange. Don't believe me? Make me cry. The antibiotics are hard on my liver. You are not supposed to have alcohol while on the treatment. Fortunately my infectious disease doctor is a very smart and kind woman. When going over risks, etc...she said, one or two drinks a week is probably not going to make a difference. Of course I told her I was going to take her literally and I am just very purposeful about my 1-2 drinks a week.

The whole process has been really interesting. This last year has been full of challenges. When any possibility of numbing the hard is taken of the table, the only option becomes dealing with life as it comes, in the moment. I have been overwhelmed on many occasions but the joy I have experienced, whether on top of a mountain, at coffee with a friend or having a great discussion with my kids, has made the hard bearable.

Am I excited for the four months of treatment of be over? Absolutely. Will I have more wine and bourbon lattes? Probably.... but I think I will also be aware of the why and making sure avoidance and numbing aren't two of my reasons.

Deal Breaker

A deal breaker (according to the Urban Dictionary) is "the catch that a particular individual cannot overlook." I have found that this new path that I am on has lead to some really interesting conversations - conversations that I don't believe I would have had if not for the path. Conversations that have been thought-provoking, heart breaking and enlightening. A few such conversations have been around deal breakers as they relate to relationships - with a significant other and with friends. It made me really stop and think what are my deal breakers when it comes to my friendships?

One person I was talking to told me that the deal breaker was friends that had crossed a moral line in their mind, for example lying or an affair. Another friend told me that not being listened to or validated by the other person was their deal breaker. So....what was my deal breaker as it relates to friends? I don't have many friends that I can think of that I am no longer friends with unless it is more of a distance and ability to actually see one another. But what is my deal breaker?

I make a lot of mistakes. I do not expect perfection. I have friends that have cheated, stolen, done drugs, and had different religious and political beliefs than me. Did I walk away? Absolutely not. Have I done some less than glamorous things? Absolutely. These are not deal breakers for me. Do my friends make choices where I would have chosen differently? Yep. And I know I have made choices they don't agree with either. How uninteresting if we were all on the same path. I have learned so much from some amazing people in my life. If I pay attention I learn why they made that choice, what they learned from it and what they might do next time. I am not in a position to judge their choices. I am in a position to walk with them through whatever the outcome of the choice and they do the same for me.

I had coffee with some friends from high school the other day. One lives out of town, so at best, we see each other once a year. She has two young kids and was talking about how hard it is (amen - you couldn't pay me to go back) and how she struggles with screen time and feels bad for doing too much. No judgment here sister. Those are hard years. I am not in your shoes so am not going to tell you how much screen time is too much for your kids just like I know you aren't going to tell me I am not feeding my two teenagers enough leafy greens.

I met with another amazing friend today. She told me that this year is a milestone for us. She has now known me and been friends with me for more of her life than she has been without me. 24 years. And we have seen some STUFF together. Whew. She told me what she had said to her oldest child just prior to meeting me. It might have included some profanity. I just laughed. No judgment here. She is an amazing mom and her daughter is a fabulous girl. But, she is a teenager and was acting less than awesome. And who am I to say? I used the word "shit" in scrabble with Mason the other day to get the triple word score. He was horrified but I thought I was clever. Lost anyway.

So, what are my deal breakers? I think I have just one really. I think there is a lot of room for grace among friends for different choices and beliefs. Especially if we have good communication and a solid foundation. But, the one thing I can't do is unapologetic unkindness. I think that's it. We all have our moments of not being kind. I do. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth have no business being out there in the world BUT I believe once I know I have been unkind, I apologize. I try to apologize...even when it's hard. Audrey and I had a hard conversation the other day. She felt like I was being too critical and pointing out what she wasn't doing right too much. It was hard to listen to because I vacillated between feeling like I sucked as a parent and feeling defensive because I didn't think my requests were outrageous. But what she needed from me was for me to listen. So I did. I put my own angst aside and listened and recognized how she could perceive that I was being unkind. So I apologized and we worked together to figure out a strategy where we both felt good.

At work not long ago I was in a patient room with another nurse. We were trying to help the patient address a few of his needs but he wasn't listening and soon started yelling at us. We didn't respond at first but then he called us some unflattering names I won't repeat. It was too much. He was now just being mean. I looked him in the eyes, raised my voice and very directly told him that his behavior was not unacceptable. He was being rude and unkind to people who were there to help him. He was not apologetic but my response did silence him temporarily. When we left the room my coworker looked at me and said "I have never heard your mom voice. That was kind of scary." Yep. Unapologetically unkind. That's it. My deal breaker.

My natural habitat

Audrey started basketball games this week. I love watching her play. She seems so at home on the court. She is fierce, competitive, encouraging, a team player, and strong. My favorite moment was when she knocked a girl over going for a ball and then immediately turned to the girl and offered her a hand up. So my Audrey...fierce AND kind. She is constantly encouraging her teammates. I love Saturdays when I am not working and can watch. All of her best qualities are on display on the court.

It's the same experience for me walking with Mason on the golf course. My love for golf is directly tied to this kid. I would walk for hours happily watching him play. He is so content on the course - focused, competitive, calm (mostly), joyful and kind to those he plays alongside. He is in his zone and I love being a witness to it.

When I think about where I am most myself - where I feel most fulfilled and, generally, my best qualities are on display, I have two opposing places. One is at work. I love being a nurse. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It is part of who I am and what I was meant to be. I know this without a doubt. I love working alongside smart, fun, kind people who have the same goal in mind. I love the mental and emotional challenge that caring for people provides. I don't love the recent fight or flight state I currently find myself in often at work but that will resolve one way or another. In general, if you want to see me in my element, it is on the second floor of Providence Newberg.

But, I have a second, equally important place that makes me feel whole. I am happy and content outside....usually in some forest and on some trail. My thoughts are quieted and all the energy that has been sucked out of my introverted self at work is restored. I can walk for hours. Sometimes I am with people but more often I am with my four legged friend or alone. Walking alongside a creek or through the trees calms my crazy soul. I also love the physical challenge of seeing how far I can push myself. There is nothing better at the end of the day than laying down with tired muscles that have been worked thoroughly and made stronger. I have found more and more that after a few days of work, I am considering which hike I can fit into the week. I need the balance. The time in the woods make me feel like I can again return to the rest of life.

Maybe my places won't always remain the same. I'm okay with that. I am 100% up for evolving. I don't want to be the same at the end of the year as I am now. Just today I was told I am too critical. I am at times. Always work to be done. But, I need to find and recognize those places. I need to see where I feel most comfortable and myself and make sure I show up there, again and again. And, if the places where my kids feel most comfortable now, change, I need to support them to help them find where they fit. Life is hard. We have to have places we can be that are wholly us, to recharge and shine so we can keep showing up for all the rest.