I don't have many addictions - especially ones that are harmful to my health. I LOVE my coffee and don't want you to ask me to give it up but, generally, it's not harming me or anyone else. I have trouble slowing down. That's a bit of a problem. My sweet friend got me a book entitled "Sit" for Christmas. I got the message loud and clear. I don't do it. It's hard for me to be still. I somehow equate productivity with worth. I am aware of this - work in progress. I am also trying to be more aware of my time in front of a screen. Trying to actually look around me and make eye contact with strangers - at the coffee shop, grocery store. Usually they are more interesting than the screen but it's hard to pull away.
In the mail yesterday I had an advertisement complete with coupons from Camel. That's right - the cigarette company. They should fire their marketing person. I am not sure what about me makes me a good target for cigarette mailings? My running and nursing magazines? My obsessive gum chewing? I am not taking up smoking. ZERO interest. But, keep sending me mailers. I am happy to waste your resources.
I don't drink too much but I do like red wine and my new favorite, bourbon lattes. It sounds even more appealing after a crazy day at work. I like meeting my friends for beer and nachos. I am very aware that I have a family history of alcoholism so I keep that in mind. I get the appeal of drinking at the end of the day to lessen some of the crazy and chaos - to take the edge off. And I like the taste. I'm not judging you if this is your ritual. If I have an open bottle of wine, I can easily have a glass every night. After the last few months, which has included being pretend "shot" by a patient, falls and several codes, I could have used drinks on several occasions. Ironically, my liver can't handle much alcohol at the moment so being fully present and dealing with things head on is my only real option.
I was diagnosed with tuberculosis in October. Before you panic and wrack your brain if you have been in close proximity to me in the last few months, let me affirm I AM NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN CONTAGIOUS. Yes, tuberculosis can be a terrible, highly contagious disease but there are TWO different kinds - active tuberculosis and latent. Latent is not contagious. The only reason I even know I have it is I needed to have some blood work done to volunteer for an organization. Imagine my surprise when the TB test came back positive. I had a moment of freak out but our knowledgeable infectious disease nurse at the hospital talked me off the ledge when he asked me if I had any symptoms. When I assured him that I did not and even ran a half marathon the day before, he relaxed and said with confidence "you have latent tb. I am sure of it." He was right, my chest x-ray confirmed it. He also visibly relaxed when, upon questioning me about possible exposure, heard that I had spent two weeks in India. Even though there is a very small chance I was exposed at work, it is much more likely that I came into contact with someone with active TB in India.
The bummer is that even latent TB requires treatment. So, I have an infectious disease doctor and am just finishing my four months of antibiotics. Fun fact: the antibiotics make all my body fluids, including tears, orange. Don't believe me? Make me cry. The antibiotics are hard on my liver. You are not supposed to have alcohol while on the treatment. Fortunately my infectious disease doctor is a very smart and kind woman. When going over risks, etc...she said, one or two drinks a week is probably not going to make a difference. Of course I told her I was going to take her literally and I am just very purposeful about my 1-2 drinks a week.
The whole process has been really interesting. This last year has been full of challenges. When any possibility of numbing the hard is taken of the table, the only option becomes dealing with life as it comes, in the moment. I have been overwhelmed on many occasions but the joy I have experienced, whether on top of a mountain, at coffee with a friend or having a great discussion with my kids, has made the hard bearable.
Am I excited for the four months of treatment of be over? Absolutely. Will I have more wine and bourbon lattes? Probably.... but I think I will also be aware of the why and making sure avoidance and numbing aren't two of my reasons.
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