What Lasting Impression will you Leave?

The last question in my bible study lesson this week challenged me to think about what would be said in my eulogy when my time comes. What would I want to be said? How can I align the person I am now with the person I hope I am at the end of my life? It's interesting to think about. I have been pondering this the last couple of days and then I learned that my friend's father unexpectedly died. It drove the point home even more. I am extremely sad for my friend and his family. The news also reminded me we are not promised anything more than this moment. I see it at work more than most but even still, it makes me pause.

When I tried to answer the bible study eulogy question, of course traits come to mind that you hope people associate with you - kind, generous, caring, faithful. Of course smart, witty and beautiful would be nice too but I am trying to be realistic here and make changes within my control.

After giving it some thought, what stuck with me most is that the impression I want to leave with people is that they are cared for and loved. When I think of the people that I regularly spend time with and seek out, they are the people who leave me feeling this way. Being with them makes me feel better - heard, cared for, understood. These are people who I can be messy with and they love me anyway. That's who I want to be. I want the people in my life to feel a little more loved and cared for after our time together.

Looks great in writing but in practice it is hard. Hard at home when my teen doesn't speak in more than two word sentences and is put out when you ask him to look up from his phone when you are talking to him. Hard when at work a confused patient tells you to get the **** out of his room and stop bothering him. Hard when I am tired or frustrated. It is much easier to be loving and caring to the 80 year old woman who smiles sweetly every time I enter her room. Easier with friends who have been with me for 20+ years and love me in spite of myself. It's in these times I need to fill up so that I have some reserves to be caring and loving in the more challenging times.

I have a ways to go. I'm a work in progress. I get angry too quickly, am impatient and terrible at relaxing which doesn't help my fuse. I have been known to yell at my kids, raise my voice and say things I quickly regret. BUT I AM WORKING ON IT. I may need to work a little quicker to bridge the gap between who I am now and who I hope to be since I don't know when the end will come. Don't ask my kids or Michael how it's going - remember, WORK IN PROGRESS. But, I am going to try and with the holiday season upon us, I can't think of a better time to start.

The Vices Among Us

It's not uncommon in a month to have a patient that is on CIWA protocol. CIWA stands for Clinical Institute Withdrawal System or Canadian International Wrestling Association - depending on who you are asking. The CIWA protocol is put into place if a patient is currently withdrawing from alcohol or if there is a potential that they might during their stay with us. As nurses, we have to watch for signs/symptoms and then respond appropriately whether it be with medication, increased monitoring, etc. I am more apprehensive when I see this as an order because I am never quite sure what I am walking into. It can be an order placed as a precaution and the patient never does experience significant withdrawal OR it can be very, very messy. Awhile back I had one that fell more into the latter category.

In addition to alcohol withdrawal, we see people who are withdrawing from drugs or who are struggling because they can't get their nicotine fix while in the hospital and the patch isn't cutting it. Usually I leave a shift where one of my patients is going through withdrawal with a firm "don't do drugs" message for my kids. They are getting a little tired of it. But, here's the thing....the more I am around it, my feelings have shifted a bit. As ugly as the withdrawal can be, there is often a story that goes with it. When you look deeper into the situation there may be a spouse with cancer, a recent widow, joblessness. A hard situation. Really hard. My guess is that in some of these situations, the addiction started because life got messier.

Messy can be hard. We all have various ways we deal with hard things - some ways healthier than others. Some of these habits probably didn't start as addictions but they were a way to temporarily make some of the difficult times just a little easier. Maybe going to the bar for a drink rather than home to an empty house didn't start as a problem but as a way of coping.

A few days a week I am fantastic at coping. I can totally manage my life when I wake up in the morning on a day off, Michael has work and the kids have school. I am home alone with the dog. I find this quite manageable. I can go 8 hours without talking to anyone. My time is often filled with errands, running, walking Annie and paying bills but it's on my own schedule. On those days, I am a rock start with coping - even the dog says so. It's when the kids get home from school that things get a little more complicated and my patience isn't quite as amazing. Last week, the kids had been home for 10 minutes and I had to take the dog for a walk to get out of the house before I said something less than kind to my teenager. 

Relationships, work, school...they are CRAZY hard. Some of us have vices that take the edge off at times. My vices usually involve coffee and running but I understand the other ones. If I didn't have such a history of alcoholism in my family, my vice might have been alcohol. I do enjoy a glass of wine but it ends at a glass. Too risky for me. But...I get it. Numbing the pain can be very attractive in the short term.

So, when I have a patient who is struggling with an addiction, I TRY to consider the bigger picture. I'm not perfect. Instead of just talking to my kids about not doing drugs, I need to talk to them about coping strategies, the importance of people you can talk to you in your life and taking care of yourself. I need to look at my patients AND the people in my life with a different perspective. Is the vice hiding something else? More often than not, I imagine it is.

Who Needs Red Bull?

As it turns out, living with two middle schools means my body is in a constant state of "fight or flight." My sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive. I don't think, in general, this much adrenaline is good for my body. I should give up caffeine to mitigate some of the effects, but, I can't. I have decided that just before Mason walks through the door after school, I am going to start holding on to something stable, like a counter, just to maintain balance.


Yesterday, he came in and the first thing he says to me ... "It's probably a bad idea to text and ride my bike at the same time, right?" Mason is crazy smart. He knows I'm not going to be okay with this. He asks anyway. I have a hard time letting him ride his bike to and from school as it is because I know looking both ways before crossing is STILL something he hasn't mastered. So, the texting and biking was not welcome news. I made him write (legibly - which is a challenge), three reasons why biking and texting is not a good idea. These confessions and questions come fast and furious these days, hence the adrenaline overdrive.


After a long day of work, I jumped in the shower. Pretty soon I hear a frantic knowing on the bathroom door. "Mom!!! Three girls want to face time me. Is that okay??" Um...no...never. Haven't we had the "no dates until you are 25" conversation? But, instead..."I guess so?" as I quickly finish my shower to at least chaperone the conversation. It was fine. All nice kids but I AM NOT READY FOR THIS. PLEASE STOP ASKING ME HARD QUESTIONS.


I intentionally have chosen not to pursue emergency department nursing. I am not an adrenaline junky. I am a planner. I like to know what is happening, within reason. At least on my medical-surgical floor I get a short report on the patient I am about to receive. There are always surprises - which I do my best to roll with - but at least I have some background. When you work in the Emergency Room you never now if a kid with a sliver or an adult in cardiac arrest is coming through those doors. I know people who love the excitement, energy and unknown. Not me.


So, who knew I would have to triage in my own house. Nobody prepared me for this. I had a patient ask me the ages of my kids the other day. He was about 20 years older than I am. When I told him, he chuckled. And then I asked him, "am I going to survive?" His response..."are you a drinker?" Yep and let's hope not a heavy one by the time the kids leave home.

Closing the Chapter

I finished a book last night so I am mourning a bit today. I always feel a bit of a loss when I have finished a good book. I only read right before I go to bed so often I fall asleep before I have read more than a couple of pages Consequently, it takes me a LONG time to finish a book. Long enough that the characters start to feel familiar and important hence the sense of loss when they are gone. I really stretched out the ending of this one. I was reading on my ipad so when I hit 90% I only finished a couple of percentage points a night to prolong the inevitable.

I read fiction. My mom is trying to get me to read a couple of non-fiction books right now including Mortal Beings. Here's the thing. I read to escape. I LIVE in non-fiction and I find it REALLY, REALLY HARD. Why would I want to continue that in my reading? There are 100 things I could improve on in my life -  my faith, my parenting, my marriage. There are a myriad of great books to address each of these issues but I can't read them right now. I find real life exhausting. As an introvert who internalizes and agonizes more than she should about EVERYTHING, I need some down time. A girl needs a little bit of fun and escape every now and again. Reading allows me a break from worrying about my precious, fragile 11-year old who is adjusting to middle school and the highs and lows that come with it. A break from thinking about the hard conversation I had with my son about inappropriate internet usage. An escape from agonizing over the patients that died, wanted to die or were in an intense amount of pain despite my best efforts.

I am not great at relaxing. Mason's need for constant motion probably came mostly from me. I took my first bath in probably a year and only afforded myself that luxury because I had a bit of an adverse reaction from the flu shot and my muscles were really achy. Reading is one of the only things I slow down enough to enjoy. I get caught up in the stories, the drama and the relationships. I prefer a real live book as opposed to electronic but sometimes I am just too impatient to wait until I can get to the library or bookstore.

So today I will close the chapter on Letty, Alex and Luna and await my next adventure. Welcoming any suggestions that don't include the words "How to..."

Back to school?

Part of my heart walked through the middle school doors today. This is not a safe place for it to be. Ugh. Audrey started sixth grade today. Mason's in 8th but has one more day of hanging out with me until he goes back. So that means a golf course day of course. But Audrey, she walked through those doors today, ready or not.

We had a great summer. I can't remember one where we got to the end and I was a little sad to see them return to school. Usually they are at each other and making me crazy by July at the latest. They are actually still getting along this year and I have lost my cool fewer times than normal (don't ask them if they agree). Mason even walked her in to school today. It was awesome. She seemed to want a little support but in 6th grade it is cooler to have your older brother next to you than your mom. Mason was happy to do it. He even seemed a little disappointed when Audrey met up with her friends at the entrance and told him he could go.

I was at church a few days back and pulled two tees and a golf pencil out of my pocket. That sums up pretty well what we have been doing this summer. We spent countless hours at various golf courses around the state - sometimes playing but mostly just watching Mason play. The best time I have had with Mason this summer has been on the course.Some tournaments I can serve as his caddie, others I can barely speak to him except to remind him to drink and sunscreen. In general, I love walking with him. Have you ever been with a kid who has found their passion? It's remarkable. Mason LOVES golf. This may not seem like a profound statement as Mason has golfed for many years already but this kid comes to life on the course. One four day stretch he had golfed over 90 holes. I was exhausted and I was just driving/walking/encouraging. On the fifth day I asked him if he was as glad as I was for the break in golf. He wasn't. He wished he was golfing.

I never thought my kids' passion would be golf. It seems unlikely considering I don't golf and Michael only does occasionally. Left to my own devices I might have picked running or a musical instrument for him. But how awesome that it isn't up to me. I love seeing what unfolds for them and brings them joy. He is learning sportsmanship, patience and etiquette along with the intricacies of the game. He has met a great group of kids that he wouldn't have otherwise. For the moment he seems to enjoy having me out there with him and he is trying to get his sister interested. It is crazy but it is so much a part of who he is, it's a joy to watch unfold.

I am realistic. When he tells me his plan is to be a professional golfer, we talk about plan B and C. He is good but there are kids better. I am not counting on a college scholarship. But, right now, this is what brings him joy and I am enjoying being a part of this process with him.

Audrey has been pretty much a rock star putting up with the constant golf talk when it doesn't appear to be her passion. She is very supportive of Mason and will even occasionally play with him or push his clubs. I don't know what Audrey's passion is yet. She likes a lot of different things. Maybe she will always be diverse in her interests and not focus in on one activity or subject. I will encourage her with whatever she wants to pursue. I love how different they are than I am. It makes life more fulfilling.

Although I wasn't ready to have two kids in middle school and Audrey seemed a bit apprehensive (we talked about it at 3 and 4 am this morning), I am glad they have each other. I think they will look out for each other and - eventually - I will catch up and realize that I can't protect them forever.

My Baby's Wings

Many people are celebrating milestones this week. I have friends that have watched kids graduate from preschool, high school and even college. All of these accomplishments are significant and worth celebrating. I don't remember a big deal being made when we finished elementary school. For me, this happened in sixth grade. Everyone expects you to finish elementary. Parents don't sit around saying..."if I could just get my child through the fifth/sixth grade." I doubt my completion was met with fireworks and large gifts (sorry if it was, mom and I just don't remember). That being said, my baby was "promoted" from fifth grade today and in our house this is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL.

We aren't ecstatic because we weren't sure she had the smarts. Audrey does not lack in the intelligence department. She excels in math, reading and everything in between - well, maybe not geography. I asked her for a state the other day and she said England. An area to work on. No, I have never lost any sleep over Audrey and her intelligence. It is the lack of confidence and anxiety that has kept me up at night.

Audrey's kindergarten year was a blur - because most of it occurred through a haze of tears. She didn't want to go to school. She (and I) cried ALL THE TIME. She wanted to be home. She did not want to be with all these strangers navigating reading, recess and all the social interaction in between. Michael had to drive her to school for awhile to see if it would help with the separation. She seemed to cry a TINY bit less if he took her. Her teachers were patient and we were persistent. She kept going. We saw a slight improvement in first grade but there were still a lot of tears. For several years she was placed specifically in a classroom with one of her best buddies who seemed to make her feel more secure.

As the years went by, her confidence grew. By third grade she actually uttered the words "I sometimes like school." We still dealt with anxiety-related stomachaches and tears but they were much less frequent. People outside our family would express surprise that Audrey was such a funny, energetic girl once she was out of her shell. She finally was finding her stride.

This year has been awesome. She has an amazing teacher and a good group of friends. She has loved being an ambassador and even mentored a younger girl that deals with anxiety issues similar to her own. The girl who once never wanted to darken the doors of school, doesn't want to leave.

This transition will be hard for us. She continues to struggle with her nerves during times of change but I marvel at how far she has come. I love our school, the principal, teachers and all the staff who have loved on my baby for the last six years. She has gone from a sad, small five-year-old to a confident, lovely, creative 10-year-old. So, just as on the first day of school  when I cried for my baby who didn't want to leave home, I cried again on this, the last day of elementary school. But the tears are different - tears of relief and pride. She had a ton of support and love along the way but she did much of the growing on her own. We watered and she grew (and grew and grew, she's 5'2" now!). So beautiful Audrey, your mama is SO proud of you. You did it.

Happy Birthday to my TEENAGER!!

Today I have a teenager. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?? How does he keep aging and I don’t? Don’t answer that. I have been reflecting the last few days over this new frontier we are entering. A friend commented to me “now we are the older parents. The ones we couldn’t imagine being when our kids were toddlers.” Really??? That’s me now?

Mason turns 13 today. We (he) have been been counting down for quite some time although I made him take a break for Mother’s Day. He doesn’t get every day. Here we are. 13. I feel so many things...for him and for me….excited, anxious, wistful, tired and LIKE MY HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE.

I wouldn’t go back. I didn’t rock the infant/toddler years. I never had enough patience, sleep or coffee. Well, I probably had enough coffee but it didn’t compensate for all that I lacked. Mason wasn’t the easiest baby. Come to think of it...the baby he was ended up being quite indicative of the teenager he has become. He didn’t sleep, was intense, demanding, energetic and expressive. He seemed to always be taking everything in - kind of like a continual sensory overload.

He has taught me so much in 13 years. Coming from a household of two girls I didn’t know much about boys - like how they must run EVERYWHERE, how there isn’t a lot of thought before speaking, how they start talking incessantly about girls at 12.5 years old and how aim is very important.

I also have learned a lot about myself. I see traits of mine in Mason - both good and bad. I have had to own up to my own anxiety and type A personality. Mason is more like a AAA and Michael won’t claim any of it. I only claim one A. We also share a distaste for sleeping in and sitting still unless it is in the name of a good book. We love roller coasters, carbohydrates and all things Disney.

If it weren’t for Mason I wouldn’t have learned all the names of various construction equipment or Thomas the Train characters. I would never have taken golf lessons  or known the difference between a birdie or an eagle. I may not have tuned into the Masters or the NFL Draft.

I am proud of who he is at 13. He is a great brother to Audrey. He has a good group of kids he hangs around with. He pushes himself academically - even if he can’t find most of his homework when it is complete.He still lets me read to him at night and he will still tell me he loves me. He has a long road ahead - all of the neuron connections have definitely not been made. But I am proud of where he has been and where he is going. He has a lot to figure out - like that the day doesn’t have to start at 5:30 a.m. or that we don’t all need to cater to his needs and schedule- but heck,I have a lot to figure out still too. Like how to effectively parent a teenager. How uninteresting if we were perfect.

So Happy, Happy Birthday to my smart, witty, fun-loving Mason. I love you to the moon and back.

 

 

Hug a Nurse

Today I attended a meeting that reminded me why I love nurses. I am one of the chairs of a committee that meets to try to improve upon and better our practice which ideally results in improved patient care. To be honest, I am not always glad that I am in charge of a committee. It can be frustrating, involves conflict and takes time. Being conflict adverse and constantly struggling with work/family balance, I have been known to gripe about it a time or two. But, today, sitting around a table listening to nurses and CNA’s talk about various ideas and proposals, I was struck by how fortunate I am to be part of such a great group of people. The underlying theme with all of the concerns and suggestions, is providing a better, safer experience for the patient. The group I was with today wasn’t complaining about the long hours or the work itself, they were expressing concern for their patients. Some of the attendees had just finished a 12-hour night shift and there they were, staying extra hours to try to improve care for others. How awesome is that?

Nurses Day was last week. As usual, I am a little behind. But, I just wanted to take this opportunity to share why I love this group that I have the privilege to work alongside.

• If you yell for help, several people were run toward you instead of away from you.

• Nurses can talk about ANYTHING over lunch. Nobody starts looking green or asks you to stop. I forget this sometimes when I come home until I see the look on Michael’s face. I guess not everyone likes to discuss wound care with dinner?

• There is always someone who knows a better way to do everything. Nurses and CNA’s are a resourceful bunch. Just last week a CNA showed me how I could use a vomit bag to cover up an iv line so it wouldn’t get wet in the shower. It was brilliant.

• Nurses will take time to talk to the patient. On my floor we each often have 4-5 patients to care for at one time. It can be really busy. I love it when I walk by a room and see a nurse sitting and talking to a patient. I tend to be overly focused and sometimes forget that one patient might just need a few extra minutes to talk more than they need a Tylenol.

• They are funny. I laugh more since working as a nurse than any of my previous careers. I think you have to have a sense of humor or it would be easy to become disheartened by all the chronic illnesses and unfortunate circumstances that we see.
  
• They are skilled! I am in the right place if my heart ever goes out. I have no doubt someone will be performing chest compressions on me and probably cracking a rib within seconds.

• I know they have my back. It’s a team and I know if something ever goes awry, they will support me.

So, Happy Belated Nurses Day. I would say hug a nurse but you wouldn’t believe the germs that we are exposed to. Buy them a coffee instead.

Fuzzy Love

After a particularly trying day at work, my co-worker suggested I go home to be with people who love me. When I got home, everyone was upstairs getting ready for bed. Soon, I heard the soft thud of four fuzzy feet making their way down the stairs and there was Annie, wagging her tail, greeting me with a big furry smile. The problems of the day seem to wash away with each scratchy lick she gave.

 

Annie is a lesson in unconditional love. After our total fail with our first foster dog, Nemo, I was uncertain whether or not we would find the right golden for our family. I tried to prepare the kids that it might take a long time, if ever. I wasn't sure I was willing to go down the foster road again. I thought it might be better for someone else to determine the dog's issues again to avoid future carpet replacement and heartbreak as we did with Nemo. And then came Annie....

 

I had seen Annie on Golden Bonds web site. She is 5 (or 7...a little unclear) as of this coming Saturday. The foster mom had written a glowing report about her wonderful personality and charming attributes. But, Annie came to the rescue organization with a lot of skin problems. She was missing about half of her fur and had multiple infections. We are told that the family who raised her didn't really care for her and that, combined with the skin issues, had led them to contemplate putting her down before a neighbor stepped in.

 

The foster mom treated her like royalty, loved her, fed her primarily home cooked meals and rehabilitated her skin. I was told that she was very particular about who she placed her foster dogs with (understandably) so I was quite surprised when she called me and asked if we might be interested in meeting Annie. I knew I couldn't keep up the regimen of only home cooked meals (not even my human people get that) and I do work a couple of days a week. 

 

We instantly fell in love when Annie came to visit. She was perfect. It took awhile to convince the foster mom that we would do right by her and ensure she didn't get too lonely the two days I am at work but finally, Annie was ours.

 

We have had Annie for six months now. She is remarkable. Annie just wants to be where we are - whether we are going for a car ride or hanging out home. She is happiest with her people. She also instantly picked up on the fact that Audrey was the one that advocated for us getting another dog and needed her the most. She goes to bed when the kids go to bed and doesn't come downstairs until Audrey gets up. They read together, play together and just hang out together. If it weren't for her girth and snoring problem, she would sleep with Audrey too but, as it is, she waits outside her door. They are like two peas in a pod. I think she merely tolerates her days with me until the kids get home.

 

This morning it struck me that I need to try to love more like Annie. Annie doesn't judge. She doesn't talk back and isn't sarcastic. She is content just being in her loved ones' presence. She has endless patience. I am not sure about some of her choices in the things she puts in her mouth, but we all have our issues. It is unfathomable to me that her life could have been cut prematurely. She has enriched our family so greatly.

 

So, as we approach her 5th or 7th birthday, Happy Birthday, Annie. You are the best.

 

 

 

 

Beautiful Girl

Both my kids are on Instagram. Audrey wanted either Instagram or a phone for Christmas. After debating both, we decided to try Instagram because we felt we could control it a little more..oh, and she is 10. So, option C for Christmas, neither, was a consideration too. But, we decided to give it a try and here we are.

Before letting either of my kids get an account, I had to open one, check it out, find all the privacy buttons and figure out how it worked. This is one of my least favorite parts of kids and technology. It feels almost impossible to stay ahead of them and I think I may have lost the battle before we ever really started. Mason was telling me some other social media kids are into and I had never heard of a couple. I can't give up the fight though and here is why...

At my house, we have some rules in place related to electronics. One of these rules involves mom's ability to pick up your phone or ipod at any time and see what's on it. Every now and again I check their instagram accounts, texts, calls, etc. I feel a little funny doing it but I know for a fact that all the synapses in their brains ARE NOT FUNCTIONING. I don't know what age most of the connections are complete but it is definitely not by 10 and 12. Internet privacy from their parents is not something they are allowed yet. We can revisit when they are 20.

Most of the stuff I find is harmless...sometimes mind numbing. Audrey had a friend that texted her the entire alphabet...one letter at a time. Whew. But what I found yesterday was alarming. If you have a kid on instagram, you may have seen the "20 Beautiful Girls" post going around. I hadn't heard of it until yesterday but I am usually behind in just about everything. What I gather is a girl takes a selfie and then nominates "20 beautiful girls" from her follower list to do the same...and on it goes. My heart sank when I saw post after post of Audrey's friends and their selfies. You know the problem right? First, let me remind you...they are 10 YEARS OLD. Oh, and if that isn't enough, you know each girl has more than 20 friends that are girls among their followers. That means some kids are getting left out. If that wasn't bad enough they are often saying how many times they were nominated as beautiful girls.

I felt sick to my stomach. Before Audrey and I read before bed (yes, I will probably still read to them until they are 18. I get to read the coolest books this way), I asked her to tell me about the whole 20 beautiful girl thing. She told me pretty much what I had already figured out as well as that she was nominated a few times. I told her that she is beautiful inside and out and that will not change no matter how many times she gets nominated. Instagram and her friends do not determine her beauty. We had a good talk. I told her I really didn't want her to play along. She had already thought about the fact that she had more than 20 girlfriends as followers and how the others would feel. She decided that if she did do it, she could include all of them anyway. I do appreciate that she had already considered feelings. We left it with steering clear of it for the moment and if she wanted to talk about it more we could.

We had a really good discussion. I reaffirmed all the awesome qualities she has that make her beautiful including her kindness and compassion. When I left her room she was smiling and said "Mom, you are so full of compliments tonight. It's nice." Oh my sweet girl...I am going to work on being full of compliments every night to combat what is happening on social media. Please have this conversation with your kids. It's hard enough to be a kid and trying to figure out where you fit in...it is even harder with social media when you are measuring yourself by how many likes you get or how many people nominate you for being beautiful. Ugh.

For the record, you do not have to "like" my post. You do not have to nominate me as one of your 20 beautiful girls, average women or quirkiest acquaintances. Like I am encouraging Audrey to do, I am going to try my best to not find my worth in social media.

Biting my Tongue

My tween daughter's mood went from sunny and happy to gloomy and dark in the time between when she got up until she went to school - a record 45 minutes. I have NO idea what happened in between. Everything seemed pretty normal - breakfast, playing with the dog, etc. She couldn't explain it either but as I drove her to school her entire body was turned away from me towards the door. Um...could you physically get any farther from me?  I shot one of my dear friends a text and told her I was pretty sure I wasn't going to survive puberty. She assured me that she was right there with me with her 8th grader and somehow, we would muddle through. Reinforcements. Whew.

I love words. My favorite kid show when my two were little was Word Girl. Brilliant. A female superhero that used the power of words to get her out of jams. I wish I had come up with that idea - although instead of getting me out of jams, lately they are getting me in a bit of trouble.

Audrey is playing in a more competitive basketball league this year. Neither of my kids by nature is super competitive or aggressive. It has taken Audrey a little bit longer than some of her teammates to tap into her inner beast. After watching a game where she shied away from rebound after rebound ( a bummer because she is the tallest on her team...hence the closet to the basket),  I decide to broach the subject. Now, I have lived with this sweet girl for 10 years. I know how sensitive she is so usually I TRY to keep my mouth shut when it comes to suggestion and thoughts on how to up her game. I try to leave that to the coaches. For some reason I decided to go out on a limb. I offered her cash for her rebounds. It's true...I am not above bribing to get them over the hump of something they might be intimidated by. I offered this same deal to Mason a few years ago when it seemed he could use a little nudge and he ate it up. He was all about the cash and after a few games, he was less intimidated and more inclined to get in there and try for the ball.

When I offered this deal to Audrey, she immediately burst into tears. She sobbed that I was telling her she wasn't good enough or doing it right. Rats. Backfired. I spent the next 10 minutes telling her how proud I was of her for being out there and apologizing for offering the deal (true on both accounts). I resolved to never bring it up again and once again leave the coaching to the very competent coaches. In the car on our way to the next game Audrey asked if we could still do the $ for rebound deal. Ummm...okay? Since it was her idea this time, it was all good. She had more rebounds that game then I had seen this season and I was out a couple of bucks.

I think the next several years is going to be an exercise in holding my tongue...and it isn't going to be easy. This is something that will serve me well at work as well as home. It is possible that sometimes, towards the end of the 12 hour shift at work I might have less restraint than I do in the morning. I may have told a patient the other day that he had a bad attitude after he yelled at me and the C.N.A. I also don't tend to respond well when Michael has an occasional work conflict that interferes with what feels like our very fragile schedule. Even though I know we will work it out, my initial reaction is usually less than lovely.

Exercising restraint is something I am able to do only about 70% of the time and as I head into the uncertain years of hormones and unpredictability, I am going to need to up my percentage. I think this may directly relate to an increase in coffee, wine and runs. Stay tuned.

Restless

It appears I am not the only one who gets restless in January. According to the aisles at Target, everyone wants to clean, organize and exercise. Resolutions abound and we are creating new lists, making new goals and resolving to be thinner, faster, cleaner...People at work seem to be getting more restless as well. More jumpers, wanderers, etc.

I don't usually make resolutions. I have read the facts on how successful New Year's Resolutions tend to be. I am aware of my shortcomings 365 days a year so I don't necessarily need a list of out of reach goals to remind me. I eat too much chocolate, drink too much coffee, am too critical some days and am anxious on a good day. Even though I don't make my own resolutions, the last few weeks I have thought about making some for others. Can  I do that? The patients who told me to "go to hell" and that they hated me....maybe they could work on more kindness? My middle schooler...maybe fewer videos of himself making trick shots? Less drama from the tween girl? I have to imagine that if my own resolutions have a small chance of success - making resolutions for others has zero chance of working.

So, no resolutions for me or others for now but I am restless. I don't know if it is the time of year, the fact that I am over 40, or I have just had too much caffeine. It could also have to do with the fact that I am reading Wild. I have a tiny inkling to pack my backpack and head for the Pacific Crest Trail. That wouldn't bode well for my family or job so I will finish the book and watch the movie instead.

I feel like something is going to happen this year though and I am kind of excited. I don't know what it will be yet. We look at land sporadically so maybe it will be moving toward building a house? Or maybe something not quite so big. Maybe I will find more of my niche with work or get another certification. Maybe I will just go to the beach and that will be enough. I don't know yet but I am going to try to be open to whatever the year has in store for me. Happy New Year.