It's NOT so Amazing! It's Frightening!

Something is going on in my house and I am quite certain that I don’t like it. I was driving the kids home the other day and Audrey says to me, “Mom, I know where babies come from.” My hands clenched the steering wheel a little tighter but since Audrey is SEVEN I am pretty certain she is going to say a mom’s tummy, or something similar. That is most definitely not what she said. I told Michael later that day that we need to step up the conversations with Mason since he is the oldest and we haven’t even talked about it with him. I know, I know. It is probably quite naïve of us to think he hasn’t already heard about sex at school but we were holding out hope that we could make it until 10. 

Mason is one to speak everything he thinks so I have been banking on the fact that if he heard it at school, I would know the moment he got off the bus. He sees those first moments when he gets home from school as confessional time. I usually have to brace myself as he comes bounding off the bus because I never know what he is going to tell me. He seems to feel better after confessional while I am left reeling with all sorts of new found information. I am working on teaching him to tell me three good things about his day before launching in to all the other stuff just so I can mentally prepare. I know this confessional mentality is better than kids that don’t talk to their parents but knowing every little thing your child did while not with you can be overwhelming at times.

After the education I received in the car about how babies arrive in the world, I hauled off to the library and checked out, “It’s So Amazing.” A friend told me about this book. I briefly skimmed it and it is full of lots of colorful illustrations of happy people that are somehow supposed to make this task seem less daunting. I then placed it on Michael’s side of the bed. I know – total cop out but I do think Mason won't giggle as much if he heard this from Michael. I have also been known to giggle when trying to have serious conversations with Mason which can sometimes be counterproductive.

I don’t think just talking to my kids about sex is what I find daunting. I think seeing them grow up is what scares me. Have you seen the car commercial where the dad is letting this really small girl in to the driver’s seat and telling her all the rules about driving? Then you realize in his mind she is a little girl but in actuality she is a teen. This is how I feel. I don’t want to believe my kids are getting any older. They are at pretty good ages. They are able to do so much on their own but they are still pretty innocent and need mom and dad. But there has been a subtle shift as of late. Now they are talking about girls they like or boys that like them. I think about their little hearts and I don’t want to see them hurt. I went on a field trip to Franz Bakery last week and Audrey sat next to a BOY instead of me. Yikes. I didn’t make a big deal of it, despite Michael’s text that I should squeeze in between them. Inside I was thinking NOOOOOOOOO…..NOT YET! I don’t want them to have crushes let alone kiss or hold hands until they are at least 20 and out of the house. I don’t want them to go through the ups and downs that come with liking another kid. 

I like Mason’s strategy. For the past year he has had a crush on the same girl. The best part is that many of the boys in his class seem to have a crush on the exact same girl. I told him that maybe he should branch out – better odds and then I thought…actually, this is a great strategy! You can’t really get hurt if all the boys in the class like her. Odds aren’t very high that she will return the attention of 98% of them…which means he probably won’t get any special attention or hurt if all his friends are having the same experience.

I know I don’t have much time left to be in denial. I don’t want my kids learning about crushes, love and the birds and the bees from other kids on the bus. And, if I am honest, it was fun and pretty innocent to chase boys in elementary school. I totally remember my first crush in second grade. It was fun to pass notes as we got older and to imagine going on a date or to a dance. Yes, there was unrequited love, tears and maybe even some heartache. I imagine many times my parents wanted to tell me to get a grip but we all survived. So, even though I can’t bear to see them get hurt, I have to remember that ALL of this – the crushes, the chasing, and the puppy love is part of growing up. I also have to remember that just because Audrey is sitting next to a boy on the bus or Mason is learning how babies are really made doesn’t actually make them any older. I won’t be attending any weddings in the next few years and nobody is going to have their first kiss or go to a dance any time soon. 

If you see me in the near future don't ask me how the conversations went because chances are, I won't have had them yet or, more likely, it will just make me giggle.

Shhhh...I'm recharging

In the past week I have met a beekeeper, a recovering iv drug user, a hermaphrodite and a window washer. I enjoyed my interactions with all of them and, hopefully, came away with a greater understanding of people than I had before I met any of them. I am constantly amazed at the diversity of people that cross my path working on my unit at the hospital and it is just one of the aspects that I love about my job. I meet people that I imagine I might never meet if I weren’t working in the hospital. I have also realized that, as an introvert, the magnitude of all of these experiences comes at a price. 

I knew I was an introvert long before Myers Briggs confirmed it. I prefer doing things with a couple of people at a time, am not a big fan of large crowds, cringe when told I need to work on a team project, prefer coffee dates to parties and plan my spontaneity. It is very rare that I act before I think and have been known to turn an unattractive shade of red when unexpectedly speaking in front of a crowd. All this to say, I have come to learn that the constant people interaction of my job wears me out. 

My job works for me because most of the interaction is one on one with the patient – which I love. That part is totally my style. The night shift is probably good for me in this respect. It is generally mellower with fewer people milling about. Even so, I still leave feeling absolutely talked out and drained. I have learned that I usually need a day of recovery after multiple shifts that involves coffee and very little people interaction. Unfortunately for my family, this is bad news if my need for recovery falls on a weekend and we are all home together. If you have met my kids, you know they aren’t quiet. They are enthusiastic, energetic and creative. Quiet really isn’t in their vocabulary. If I have just worked and we are all together I become known as the unpopular seventh dwarf, “Grumpy.” I am working on keeping my mouth shut until I feel recharged so I can at least move to one of the more favorable ones like Bashful or Dopey.

This need of a day to recover has taken me six months and some frustration to figure out. I expected the job to be physically tiring and involve some serious schedule coordinating but I didn’t expect the emotional exhaustion. Sometimes the exhaustion is compounded by the sadness of seeing people who will not get better. I am still new at leaving work at work and I think about these people once I go home. I am reminded that starting anything new is hard – whether it is second grade or a new job later in life. Just as I need grace while recharging, I need to extend that same grace to those around me. I think Mason has some introvert tendencies. I asked him to call a friend the other day to arrange something and he wanted me to do it for him. I get that. I don’t like talking much on the phone…especially when it is someone I don’t know well. I also know that this is one of those skills you need to have so, after practicing what he would say, I told him his mom wasn’t bailing him out this time.

I imagine for extroverts they might thrive on all the interaction that comes from my job. Maybe it is the downtime that would wear them out. I am not sure. If you are one, maybe you could let me know. I am always curious what makes others tick. The irony of all of this is that this is a recovery day for me so I went to one of my favorite local coffee shops to get caught up on a few things. I had only been here a few minutes when a large group of women with their small children arrived and I now have 12 inch dump trucks zooming all around me. At least I finished my coffee first. I look forward to a few days of peace before seeing who I get to cross paths with next.