My Senior, Class of 2020

The world is so weird right now. I am actually sitting at home on a Tuesday reading a book in the sun. Those who know me well will realize how unusual this is. I don't sit and read in the middle of the day. I have issues with productivity and relaxation - working on them. Also, it's a Tuesday. I took two days of this week so I could attend the kids' high school golf tournaments. Guess what? No tournaments. Not even just no tournaments - no high school golf season, no prom, no school, graduation?...yet to be seen.

I thought about giving my vacation time back. We bid for it months ahead of time so it is not like I can just trade it for another date this summer - those vacations have all been claimed. We actually have been staffed decently at work recently too so I knew my taking my vacation wouldn't cause a shortage where I work. I also needed to wrap my head around this online learning since I kept getting video updates from the principal and by the end of the work day, I didn't have the emotional capacity to watch them and pay attention. So, I decide to keep the time off and it turns out to have been a really good decision. I had no idea how tired I was.

With three days at home already behind me and a world that has pretty much shut down, I have already accomplished my to do list and more. I have fixed the screen door, done a ton of yard work, run more at one time than I have in at least 17 years, cleaned my house, and hung out with Audrey. So, I find myself reading in the sunshine in the backyard in the middle of the afternoon. And then I got to reminiscing....

I would usually have both Mason and Audrey with me right now. Unfortunately, a couple days in to their week with me, Mason made a few decisions that put him in contact with more people than he should have been. I know people have varying degrees of social distancing strictness - and I know people more and less than me. But, considering I work with immunocompromised people in my work, I have some expectations. To his credit, he recognized what he had done and told me that in light of what I do and the people I work with, he should go back to his dad's for the remainder of my time so not to put me and my patients at increased risk. I was proud of him for coming to that realization AND I was heartbroken to miss time with him. Especially when I know time with him is limited.

I have seen a lot of posts this past week about the Seniors. Pictures, thoughts, ideas of how we are grieving over the end of a significant time in their life that came so abruptly. I imagine many of us remember the end of high school with fond memories of prom, spring sports, graduation, etc. I am sad for him that he will miss out on some of those things. Realistically, his high school experience has not been all sunshine and roses though. With this in mind, I asked him what he would ACTUALLY miss with school ending - not what I assume he will miss.

What he will miss most? His final high school golf season. His team looked good this year...probably the best one in the past four years. He also wanted one more year with his amazing high school golf coach Jeff Stirling. Those two have a great bond and he wanted more time. He was looking forward to the last week of school for the seniors because it involves a lot of fun events and not a lot of work. He was looking forward to taking his girlfriend to prom. He was looking forward to graduation.

Even with all of the misses, he has a really good attitude. He is hopeful that some of the summer golf season will be salvaged and he looks forward to starting at Brown next year - assuming that will also go as expected. He is spending a lot of this quarantine working on his golf game - and hopefully finishing up his classes. He reminds me that I need to approach the end of his high school career with a good attitude as well. Because, if I am honest, I am sad for me too. I was already preparing myself for watching him walk across the stage at Sherwood, with all those stinkin' cords around his neck and his amazing big smile...thinking how far we have come and honoring his achievements. I am sad that the trip the two of us were going to take to Philadelphia so he could play in a USGA event he qualified for has been cancelled. I am sad for the experiences we will now miss out on. But, I will take my cue from him and together we will take it in stride and with perspective.

What is happening in this world is so much bigger than us. People are experiencing tremendous losses - losses of loved ones, of jobs, so much loss. People are struggling with loneliness and isolation and food scarcity during this time. The uncertainty of what the next few months will look like is hard for everyone. So, we will keep moving forward. We will be sad for our seniors and the experiences they will miss out on and we will find ways to honor them.

Today, this is how I am going to honor mine. Mason is a great writer. He took poetry last trimester and wrote some really beautiful things .A couple weeks ago he saw that the New York Times accepts submissions each week for love stories that are 100 words or less, so he submitted his. It hasn't been chosen yet.... their loss...



"When I’m single, I binge romcoms. Don’t ask me why. Despite this, standing outside with my arm around my “best friend”, I’d been actively avoiding my destiny. The rain started falling, the only thing missing some ambient, upbeat romance song. It took me 4 months to realize how to feel about the cute, smart, funny girl in first period, 30 minutes to kiss her. Underneath the stars, we’d finally gotten it right. Unfortunately for me, it turns out none of the Netflix romcoms remembered to show the guy getting home 2 hours late. Go figure."

*oh and of note, the 2 hours late didn't go over so well but that made it less poetic.

**photo credit to the amazing Jeff Peters

I Am Pretty Sure It Will Be Okay

I stole this quote from Audrey that one of her favorite teachers uses. I just know pieces of the original story but it seems an appropriate quote right now.

Damn. What a world right now. I had to actually ask my family for toilet paper the other day. I passed up a rare sighting of toilet paper at Costco a few weeks back because, even though I was aware of the hoarding and this rare find, it didn't seem right for me, a family of sometimes one, sometimes three, to take 30 rolls of toilet paper. But then, when I did need some...none to be found. Joke is on me. No worries, I'm set again for a bit and probably won't pass it over next time I see it at Costco.

I am not ignorant of the news but I try to limit my intake. I am going to work as normal. Work is slightly less busy as those treatments that aren't time sensitive are being put off -but that just means a few less people a day. Most oncology patients need their chemotherapy regularly. So, we continue on as we do - just sharing exchanges through masks and talking about some of the anxiety and fears that come along with the virus. The hardest change at work has been that visitors aren't allowed any more in the infusion room with very few exceptions. This means that people are getting their treatments alone. While my job at times can be easier without family members and I do cherish the one on one conversations I get to have when it is just me and the patient, I can't be by their side the entire treatment. Sometimes it looks a bit lonely when they are with us for hours. Also, they sometimes tell me I am the only person they have seen in a couple weeks. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE THAT IS? I feel like I need to learn some magic tricks or something to live up to the expectation they must have of their ONE human interaction for weeks.

Even though my work continues mostly as normal, preparations are being made. The OHSU infusion clinic downtown has opened a unit to treat oncology patients that also have Covid-19 or are being ruled out. They need to be separate from the immunocompromised population without the virus. I know other health systems are also making preparations for a possible influx of Covid-19 patients and how to treat them, keep those patients not positive safe all the while keeping themselves safe. I worry about my friends and family at Providence Newberg and other hospitals. I know they have cared for patients who are positive. I pray daily that they are protected physically and mentally during this time.

At times I have had the crazy feeling that I wish I was still working alongside them. Leaving was a good decision for me but during this crisis, there is something comforting about working alongside the people that know you so well and where you feel your skills are best utilized. But, I just keep trying to be open to whatever is in store for me. Earlier this week, we got an email at work looking for volunteers to float to the waterfront clinic because, if they staff the Covid infusion unit, they will have some holes that need to be filled on their general unit. So, I raised my hand. I don't like change and have had more than my fill the past year. But, I was just feeling underutilized and like I needed to be open. And then I got this email. I just finished my first day cross training today. The staff was very welcoming and lovely. I don't know if I will be needed or not but I am willing. And...showing up is more than half the battle.

But I have to tell you how it is that I can raise my hand and volunteer for something that is hard. It is because of the people in my life. It is because of you. People are willingly agreeing to stay in their home and self isolate to give me and all the healthcare providers a chance. Willing to not meet with loved ones to protect the vulnerable, immunocompromised people that I have the privilege to see every day. I can raise my hand because the texts I get daily asking me if I am okay and what I need. I have been fed the past two nights by my beautiful friend leaving meals for me - including the nacho making kit pictured above. I receive pictures of my other friends' adorable baby niece regularly because he knows I need to see something innocent and good. Audrey sets her alarm some days so she can quote Dr. McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy and remind me "it's a beautiful day to save lives" before I go to work. It is because of my beautiful community that when asked, I will jump up and down and say, I will. I can because I have a community who fills me up. Thank you. I don't know how long this will last but in the end, I am pretty sure it will be okay.