A Heart Broken and Full

I have been thinking about this dichotomy a lot in the past couple of weeks. It seems on first glance that both can't be true at the same time. But I'm telling you...they are. My heart is both. Right now. And, it will keep happening for awhile...and then will happen again. I am living proof.

On Sunday, I received messages from both Michael and Audrey that Annie seemed off...lethargic, not eating, peed in the house. I knew she had been fine the day before so figured something simple like a urinary tract infection. Took her in Monday just to be sure. As the appointment continued on, it became apparent this might not be a simple infection. After a couple of days and several tests, I learned my sweet, joyful, life giving, hiking buddy has a tumor on her heart as well as cancer in her lungs. It has taken me all week to wrap my head around this. I am cherishing my time with her right now as I know it is extremely limited. My heart is absolutely broken. I counted on the fact that we would have her with us for at least a few more years. A few more days is now the reality. But, when I look at her and think of our times in the woods, at the beach and just watching a movie, I KNOW we are better for the time we have had with her. My heart is full knowing what she has added to our life in the last five years. I will cherish every last smile and tail wag she is willing to give me. I would not change bringing her home when she was 4 (or 6, verdict is still out) even though the pain I am experiencing and having to watch my kids' experience is excruciating. It has been absolutely worth the time we have had.

I was already contemplating this notion of broken and full before Annie's diagnosis as I have other major changes in my life right now. The same day I learned Annie's final prognosis, I gave my notice at work. Most people I work with still do not know that I am leaving because it is hard for me to talk about. Broken and full. At the end of April I will be working as an Oncology Infusion nurse at OHSU. I have such mixed feelings about this move. Don't get me wrong....I chose this. But the choice has been extremely challenging.

I thought I would be at Providence Newberg until the kids graduated from high school. It is so convenient to my house, my schedule is pretty good and the staff is like family. I don't say that lightly. These people are MY people. The nurses, certified nurse assistants, hucs, housekeepers, dietary staff, chaplain....they have loved me, encouraged me, laughed and cried with me. I have found presents in my locker, notes on my computer, presents on my doorstep. I get encouraging text messages and coffee brought to me at work. I love these people. If you are reading this now and wondering why I haven't told you I am leaving, it's because I am SO SAD to leave you.

What I have learned though is sometimes you have to go. This past year it started to become more clear to me that this was no longer my place. I am weary over the battle for adequate staffing and appropriate acuities. In my role I felt like I was asking people to do things I wasn't always comfortable with. The primary focus should be taking exceptional care of the patients. But, still being so conflicted, I didn't actively search but kept my eyes open just in case.

I have known for a bit that oncology would be my next move. There is something appealing to me about the mix of this patient population combined with all the education and learning I will need related to the medications and therapies. Head and heart. So I kept my eyes open. I saw the job with OHSU and applied. I didn't hear anything for a long time which didn't surprise me since I don't have any oncology experience. But then I got a call....and an interview....and two more. I decided to just keep moving forward and going through the doors that were opening. Finally I had to admit to myself, I wanted this job. I ran the pros and cons SO. MANY. TIMES. A few cons were the schedule (M-F, 8-5). I way prefer 12 hours. The other one....leaving my people. But, when my friend very subtly told me that my current job was killing my soul, I knew it was time. I need to go. My kids were great about it. I sat down with them and told them how different it will be - I can't walk with them most weekdays during their golf tournaments when I switch. I will be home for dinners now but I won't just be around on the random Wednesday. They were great. Audrey reminded me that high school golf wasn't going to last forever and the stress they see in me isn't worth the flexible hours.

So, here I am. A heart broken and full on so many levels. I will cherish my time with Annie. I will cherish the rest of my time with my Newberg coworkers. They have made me a better person. I will take them with me as I move into the next adventure and I will remember that even when the pain seems UNBEARABLE, the journey is worth it. I wouldn't trade the experience and the joy for any thing.