What makes you beautiful?

My friend gave me a 90-day gratitude journal when I started my new job. She thought it might be good for me to remember and focus on what I am grateful for during a difficult transition. I had no idea at the time how perceptive this was. Some nights I had to will myself to reach for that journal because I wasn't feeling grateful or loving or positive. I was just feeling incompetent, discouraged and tired. I finished it this week. I have been at my job closer to 120 days so clearly I wasn't successful every night but I am still so glad I saw it through. Each day you have to respond to two of the same questions - "What are you grateful for and why?" As well as "What am I looking forward to tomorrow?" My answers often were are simple as "coffee. I am grateful for coffee. Because I like the taste." As far as what I was looking forward to? Depended on the day but there were a lot of "practicing so I can be better." I haven't felt so incompetent at something for awhile. And because I now work five days a week, this means I had to wake up and go back to it each week day, even in the midst of the overwhelming feelings of discouragement. There might have been some tears, some cursing and some less than admirable behavior. 

The third and last question in the gratitude journal was what really got me each night. They were more thought provoking and interesting. Questions such as "Who made you smile in the last 24 hours and why?" and "Describe your favorite sound." I liked the third questions the best and it usually put me in a better frame of mind to end my day. Tuesday the last question really hit me though. I can't stop thinking about it. It brought me to tears and, despite having shed more than a few the past four months, I am generally not brought to tears easily. Something really has to get me before I am reaching for the kleenex. Don't accept this as a challenge.

So, the question Tuesday night? "What makes you beautiful?" At first I thought I had read it wrong. I'm thinking "what do you consider beautiful?" That's much easier to answer - the ocean, my kids..." I reread it. It was definitely "what makes you beautiful?" And in that instance, I started to cry. I have never considered being beautiful and what might make me so. I'm not sure why it brought out such a strong reaction. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I could actually see myself this way. The past four months have brought about an inordinate amount of negative self talk. I generally consider myself a positive person....maybe tending to be too much of a realist and not enough of an optimist at times but, fairly positive nonetheless. And when it comes to cheering on my kids or my friends? I am overwhelmingly positive. My belief in them and their capabilities is endless. But, why not for me? In that moment I realized I was doing myself such a disservice by spending so much time focusing on my limitations and the things that had been going wrong. I know I'm new to this field. I know there is a learning curve. I KNOW THIS. Yet, still, at the end of each day I was thinking about the iv I missed instead of the two that were successful. I focused on how much help I needed instead of how far I have come.

I almost put down the book after reading question 3. It seemed too hard to write what makes me beautiful. It felt hard and boastful and self serving. But, then I realized that was a cop out. How can I encourage my kids to believe in themselves and their strengths and their beauty if I can't do it for myself. So I picked the book up and I thought about it. I didn't write a ton but I wrote. It doesn't matter much what I wrote except that I believe what I put down. When I look at it now, I know the things I put down are true. My ability to listen was on my list. I know this is true. When I beat myself up for missing an iv or not knowing how to do something, I forget, that even though my patient might have been briefly inconvenienced for a period during our time together, that for the most part, my patients feel that I have listened to them and heard what they are telling me. I remember that their grand kids play soccer or their daughter is home from college. I remember that they went on a cruise and ask about their favorite destinations the next time they are in. I ask about their pain and listen to their answer. I know I hear them and I believe most of them know it too.

After completing this exercise I decide for the rest of the week I am going to try SO HARD to focus on what I did well during the day instead of what went wrong. I'm going to remember the traits that make me a good nurse instead of the ones that are a work in progress. And, guess what? The rest of the week was so much better. Not only was I not so discouraged at the end of the day, I was also having more success. I was better at sharing with my kids what was going well. The gratitude journal is now done and I also am recognizing I need to give myself a solid year at this job to feel less like a beginner, but I do feel more grateful. I feel like I am on a better path than I was even a month ago.

So, here's my challenge to you. Write down what makes you beautiful. For some people this is easier than for others. I don't think this is narcissistic. I think it is self care. If you find that you struggle with seeing what makes you beautiful, let me know. I can see it for you until you can see it for yourself.