Radiate Love

I had a patient last week who isn't much of a talker. I was just doing something simple for her but I already knew from past encounters that she wasn't the warm and fuzzy type. I can't blame her. She had been through a brutal diagnoses and treatment in a relatively short time. She had a lot to process. I get the feeling that she is one tough lady even outside the clinic. Kind of no nonsense. So, I knew what I was getting into when I went to get her labs. Not a lot of small talk. I asked her a few questions which she answered with as few words as possible and then there was silence as I went about my task. I resisted the urge to fill the space. Reality is..I talk to strangers all day. I can talk to pretty much anyone.  I can make small talk or talk to you about your fears and the reality of how hard life is and this diagnosis. The direction of the discussion I really try to leave up to the patient. But, I knew there was no benefit to fill the space with this woman. She had been through hell and was now coming out the other side. She didn't want to talk to me. There was no benefit to her in chit chat so, if I engaged, it would be because I felt uncomfortable. So, I decided against it. In that moment, I made a conscious decision to not fill the silence. I went about getting her labs and decided, in the silence, that I would do my best to simply radiate love.

When Mason and I were in San Diego for a golf tournament in the spring I saw the most brilliant tattoo on a barista when we stopped to fuel up. The tattoo on her arm was small and fairly subtle..."radiate love." Amazing. That's it. What if we just all radiated love? Brave to get it put in a tattoo -although I haven't ruled out the idea. It just could feel hypocritical or like too high of a standard if I am frustrated or angry (as I can get) but I have a "radiate love" tattoo on my arm. I know some of the words that emerge from my mouth can be not so loving. Tattoo or not, I have thought a lot about radiating love since spring. I am more often than not in situations in work or in my personal life where I am uncomfortable lately. And instead of focusing on my own angst or discomfort, I try to remember to simply radiate love. Turn the focus off of me and outward to whomever might need it.

The other day things were off at home. I don't remember the scenario but I do remember Audrey was anxious about a friend situation and overwhelmed about the amount of schoolwork she had. Mason has been navigating his schoolwork, a class at PCC and his college application. My work is a constant source of angst for me - but improving. Things just felt a bit off so after I arrived at work I texted my kids a message that was as much for me as them. "How about we just try to radiate some love today?" Really, the idea of just putting our own stuff in perspective and sharing a little good in the world. I felt better instantly.

I have been trying to get outside more lately. The outdoors recenters me and helps me feel whole and sane....and part of something much greater than myself. Lately, I have been hiking with friends as well as people I don't know well at all. I found myself next to someone on a hike this weekend who seemed much less comfortable than me. I think maybe groups...or people... weren't his thing but he was trying. I remembered what I had been working on and, after a failed conversation attempt, reminded myself to just simply radiate love. I don't know whether people can feel it or not but somehow it makes me feel better. I can still be present with them. See them and acknowledge them but not feel compelled to fill the silence if that's not comfortable for them.

There's a lot of unknown - for me and so many others. There are things we can control and things we can't. But, for this next month, whenever I find myself getting anxious or uncomfortable I am going to try to consciously stop and remember that if nothing else, I can radiate a bit of love. And, if  I get REALLY good at it, maybe it will become a tattoo.