Becoming Me

When I was leaving work on Friday, one of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday because I was taking a few days off and not returning until after the big day. She jokingly said "29 again?" I laughed and said "yep." Then I paused and said "actually, no. I wouldn't go back to 29." She responded with "yeah, my 30's weren't so great either. I wouldn't go back to those." I left but it got me to thinking...because one thing I am ALWAYS doing is thinking. If I were to go back to one year instead of turning one year older...which one would it be? After pondering the idea for a bit and thinking through the last four decades, I thought...I would do this year again. That's what I would go back to.

This reality blows my mind. This was a HARD year...one of the hardest thus far I think. I had some big losses..with people and with my beloved dog Annie. I also changed jobs this year and left my beautiful supportive family at Providence Newberg. This change was harder than I could have ever imagined. This year has seen some very low lows. I have felt lonely and lost at times. I have wondered if life would get easier. I have contemplating the idea of going on medication at least temporarily to see if it could cease the feeling of drowning. I have cried tears I wasn't sure would stop. It has been a year.

But I have also had some pure joy. This year has included hiking the Grand Canyon with four beautiful souls. This was one of the best trips both physically and mentally I have ever taken. I also got to explore Boston with Jenny and Mason this past year - experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. I have met some AMAZING oncology patients that have given me a beautiful perspective on life. I have a better, solid relationship with my wonderful 15-year-old Audrey. I have hiked miles in forests around Oregon and Washington solo and with company. 

Even though  this year was hard, beyond hard, if I had to pick one to go back to, I pick 46. I am wiser than any other year. I am learning to be by myself. I am learning to like who I am (loving who I am may come later). I am catching myself before apologizing for who I am. I almost apologized to a friend the other day because I felt like I had been too much...too sensitive. But I didn't. I am going to work really hard to not apologize for all my sensitivity and presence. Because what I am starting to realize is that's what makes me who I am. Yes, I got in line twice when they passed out feelings BUT it serves me well in many areas of my life. I know it allows me to be really present for my patients. Also all these feelings have led me to have some phenomenal conversations with my kids. We talk about all sorts of things and I like to believe they know they can talk to me about anything.

I made a bucket list for myself on my 46th birthday for the year.  I completing almost all of it and the one I didn't, I will just carry over to 47. Better than repeating 46, I am going to fully embrace 47. I believe good things are ahead. Instead of recognizing what I am not, I am going to try really hard to celebrate and acknowledge what I am. I am going to look around and see who is still present even with all my big feelings. I am going to hike hundreds of more miles in our beautiful forests. I am going to take in all of Mason's senior year and send him to Rhode Island to fly. I am going to be the best me that I can. Let's do this 47.