Why Medical Surgical Nurses Rock

I have had a few interesting conversations lately about medical/surgical nurses. I work on a med/surg floor at Providence Newberg. Basically, that means we see a little bit of everything - gastrointestinal surgeries, hip and knee surgeries, congestive heart failure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, altered mental status, alcohol withdrawal, etc. etc. The variety makes it interesting. Many of the larger hospitals might have one general med/surg floor but then they will have specialty floors - cardiac, neurology, renal. They are specialized and have more capabilities related to their specialty.

Medical/Surgical nurses can get a bad rap. I was talking to my friend the other day who is an Emergency Room physician. He joked about how after the emergency nurses bring a patient up to the med/surg floor they complain about the nurses. I have heard this before. I asked about the specific complaints. He wasn't quite sure but something along the lines of we ask too many questions, want too much information, etc. I have also heard a rumor that some intensive care nurses don't think too fondly of their med/surg counterparts. What ICU nurses do is more complex at times. I'm not sure what their beef is with us. We aren't as smart? We don't know the specific care for intubated patients? Intensive care nurses have more training but I believe there are several nurses on my floor who could become ICU nurses if that was our interest and we opted to do the training.

Here's the thing.... the medical/surgical nurses I work with are some of the smartest and strongest women I know (I'm not being sexist. We don't have any male day shift nurses). It's true, parts of our day are spent not doing complex tasks. A friend I was talking to about my job a few months back was really surprised that I take patients to the bathroom.... all the time. She assumed I could call someone else to do that. As a nurse, I am prepared to do anything to care for my patient. Guess what? That means taking them to the bathroom or cleaning them up if they can't get up and walk there themselves. I never said my job was glamorous. There is nothing that I won't do when it comes to patient care. It's the job of EVERYONE on the floor. One of the best things I did yesterday was folding clothes with a patient with mild dementia. He just wanted his room tidier.

Besides taking patients to the bathroom, medical/surgical nurses can give a med (when ordered) that can briefly stop and restart your heart, we can run an effective code, we can place nasogastric tubes, change ostomies, redress wounds, place an iv and troubleshoot with the best of them. We are resourceful, caring and funny sometimes. We can have totally inappropriate discussion over lunch and not even blink an eye. We aren't afraid to work hard, admit when we don't know the answer and look for opportunities to learn.

A few people I work with have left lately to go to other departments or hospitals - one to ICU, a couple to short stay. The great thing about nursing is if you get tired of one area, there is always something else to try. A coworker asked me if I was going to leave too. I am always open to new opportunities (year of yes and all) but I'm happy where I am right now. I get to work with wonderful people who I enjoy and respect. I get to learn new things every day. I may not have an amazing depth of knowledge of one specific condition but I am familiar with many different diagnoses and treatments. I am constantly learning and growing. I am proud to be on a medical surgical unit with some of the most amazing nurses around.

Year of Kindness

My year of yes officially ended on my birthday in October as I treated myself to a massage in the Amsterdam airport on my way to India. But, since I was on the adventure of a lifetime that came about from a willingness to say yes, I decided to continue. Nothing but good things came from saying yes this past year so hit me up again this year. I will likely agree to what you ask as long as it is legal.

In addition to saying yes, I want to focus this year on being kind. There seemed to be a run of unkindness at work this past weekend...maybe it's a continuation from all unkindness in the nation this month. I was yelled at by a patient's family and felt like an idiot before 8 am. Two of my lovely coworkers were also made to feel less than awesome before the day was over. I know being in the hospital is stressful for people. It's hard to be nice when you feel miserable or a loved one is suffering. I have been there. I get it. BUT it's also not okay to take it out on the people around you. I know I'm been there too so that's why I am committing to kindness this year.

Since returning from India I have struggled with how to take my experience there and integrate it with my life here. My experiences with the kids and the people of India seem so removed from my every day life. It is so quiet and clean here. I have space to breath and move around. I can go for a run and drink the water without getting sick. I don't fear for my life when I get in a car.

It finally hit me yesterday the part of India that I miss the most that I did bring back...the joy and the kindness that was shared with me by all the kids and staff at the Good News Campus. I shook hundreds of hands and received hundreds of smiles. The kids thanked me after each medical exam. They giggled and smiled when we served them lunch. The caretakers wouldn't let us do any extra work if they could help it. We would try to fill water buckets for the bathroom and they would take them from our hands. We would try to carry boxes and they would take them from us. The caregiver, Agnes, that I worked with doing medical assessments wouldn't even let me pump my own hand sanitizer if she could help it. The joy and kindness that abounded was UNREAL. The kids and caretakers have SO little by our standards but they were nothing but kind to me.

So this is my takeaway. I traveled halfway around the world and experienced abundant kindness. On behalf of those 500+ beautiful children, I can take their kindness and share it with the people around me...even the ones that yell at me at 7:30 in the morning.

I find it easier to be kind to strangers, coworkers and friends then I do my family at times. My family knows me and loves me anyway. So, it's easier sometimes to be short or snotty because I know they are bound to love me still. BUT, I am going to work even harder on kindness here. I can't just commit to what's easier. My family deserves the best of me so I will try. I won't always get it right...nobody does. But I will keeping work on it. At least I have the surplus of 500 smiles, hugs and handshakes working in my favor.

Lambi Saans Lo

My favorite words that I learned during my time in India - Lambi Saans Lo - breathe deeply. I mostly used it when I was listening to the kids' lungs. On occasion I had to remind myself to do the same. You do have to be careful though where you choose to breathe deeply in India. Some areas are less ideal than others.

I have been back for a couple days now and have only just begun to process my experience in India. I am SO glad that I went. I was fortunate to be with an amazing group of people who were supportive, knowledgeable and encouraging. Friends and family at home were great about supporting my kids during my absence and it appears they did just fine without me - the same can't be said for Audrey's fish who didn't survive my absence. I always suspected I was the only one who fed him.....

The organizers of the trip prepared us well. All my clothes and suitcases were sprayed for bugs. I brought deet, antibiotics, ear plugs, toilet paper, two toothbrushes (in the event that I would forget and rinse the toothbrush in their unclean water and have to throw one out - wasting no time, I did this the first day I was there.) I stayed mostly healthy and came back bug free (I think) and with all my limbs (very sure).

What I wasn't at all prepared for was the emotional experience of being in India. I know there was a large part of India that I didn't see so I want to be careful about my generalizations. So, speaking to the part of India I did see, the experience was complete sensory overload. India was LOUD, dirty, crowded, chaotic and beautiful all at the same time. I have never been around so many people. I am amazed we didn't die in a bus accident. Lanes are painted on some of the roads but definitely not used. Horns are used ALL THE TIME. At one point we were driving (intentionally) the wrong way down the highway because our side was backed up. I'm not kidding. It appears this is acceptable. You just lay on the horn and drive.

I rode in a rickshaw and a tuk tuk - both very cool experiences. We took a boat on the Ganges river. The Ganges is a sacred river for people of the Hindu faith. There is a crematorium on the river where some Hindu's bring their dead and then throw their ashes in the river. This was definitely not one of my favorite sites but I felt like some of these experiences gave me a broader understanding of the culture.

The beautiful part of India? The 500+ children at Open Arms India's Good News Campus. Oh the children. Their smiles every day melted my heart. They were worth the 24+ hours of travel, the jet lag and the sensory overload. Most of the children are either orphans or are there because their family can't take care of them. They live at the campus, attend school, church, are fed and loved. I had the amazing privilege of working alongside the team to provide medical checks of each child. When we weren't telling them to breathe deeply and open their mouths to look at their teeth, we were playing, singing and hanging out with them. Their smiles were infectious. For children who have so little by our standards, they were so happy. They LOVED having us at their campus. They enjoyed the simplest things - tag, Simon says, hula hoops. One afternoon I hit a beach ball back and forth with about 6 teenage boys for at least 20 minutes. I couldn't help but think that Mason would be bored of this game in about 5 minutes. These boys would have kept going if our ball hadn't deflated.

I feel so honored to have lived among the children and caretakers during the week+ that we were with them. They taught me a lot about simplicity and love. Good things are happening at the campus and through Open Arms India. I don't think these kids would be safe, well fed and loved in the same way if they didn't have this campus. At my church this Sunday, Countryside Community Church, we will have information on the trip and ways to sponsor kids in India through Open Arms. They are doing great things and loving kids in India. I would encourage you to check it out.

So, how do I take what I learned and experienced and integrate it in my life here? I'm not sure yet. I think it will take time to figure it out but I know that I am changed by my experience in India. As I sit in my QUIET house, drinking water from my tap I have a new appreciation for what I have. I also have all the love from 500 children that I brought back with me. How lucky am I?

Namaste, India!

 I picked up my malaria meds yesterday and am current on my typhoid immunization. So....I guess I am really doing it. I'M GOING TO INDIA! I have actually known this for several months, it just seemed too far away to be real or relevant. But...as I am looking at my packing list, I am realizing it is just around the corner.

Darn year of yes. Michael came home from church this winter and mentioned that this woman spoke about two mission trips she had taken to India. She is a nurse and during the trips she set up a medical clinic and treated the kids at the orphanage. Her time had been very rewarding but she only wanted to go back as part of the mission if she could get more medical staff to come along. There are just too many kids to see and education to provide for one nurse.

From the moment Michael told me about her, I had a pretty good feeling I would be going to India. I have tried to be more open this year to challenges and opportunities that have come my way. It started with my birthday last year in October and a challenge from my friend, Karin. My increased openness (despite my occasional fears) has lead me to an art class, a very early morning hike, a new position at work, sunrise paddleboarding, golf lessons...and now INDIA. I met with the nurse, Crystal, who spoke at church and instantly felt a connection. I knew if she was in, I would go too...assuming the money, time off and family responsibilities all lined up as well.

I have been meeting with the India team for about six months now. Sixteen of us will be traveling to an orphanage in Buxar, India. The orphanage provides housing, schooling and love to about 480 kids. Our church has been a supporter of Open Arms India, the ministry that started the orphanage, for many years. Four of us on the team are nurses. We will walk alongside, love, play with and provide medical care to the kids and their caregivers for 14 days. I am starting to sense that I may see a lot of lice, scabies and other creepy crawlers while I am there. It makes me itch already.

I am really excited for this adventure. I am grateful that work is giving me the time off, that my family supports the trip and that Karin challenged me to be more open this year. Ironically, the trip starts October 22, the day before the technical "end" of my year of yes. Is that a sign or what? The other complete bonus of this trip? My birthday pretty much disappears with travel and the time difference. Audrey finds this very concerning. I tried to explain to her that if my birthday never happens, I am pretty sure I just stay 43. That's okay with me.

When I say my family is supportive of the trip, there is one small caveat. Michael and Mason are totally in and excited for my adventure. Audrey....well, sweet Audrey is a little worried that her mom is going to be far away for SO MANY DAYS. She is also a bit worried for my safety. I have tried to reassure her that God is in control and I will be okay. What an amazing opportunity I have to go love on and spend time with 480 kids. I have no doubt that I will get more out of this trip and living alongside these kids than they will get from us being there.

If you are so inclined, I would ask for a few things for me, my traveling companions and the kids in Buxar. If you are the praying type, our team could always use prayer - for safe travels, health, and knowing the best way to love on and support the kids and caregivers in Buxar. If you happen to be at Costco or any pharmacy in the next few weeks, I understand we could always use extra tubes of Neosporin and Cortisone cream. Our church (Countryside) is also collecting Lego's (the small ones, not in sets), small plastic farm animals and matchbox cars. Also, if you see my kids out and about while I am gone, maybe you could give them an extra hug for me (fist bump for Mason as not to embarrass him). If Michael looks a little harried and arrives somewhere late, perhaps a little extra grace.

This year of yes has turned out to be pretty awesome. Maybe it will just keep going since the official end gets lost over the Mediterranean Sea anyhow....

Back to School Palpitations

My heart walked through the high school doors yesterday. I have a high schooler. I have been looking at all the obligatory back to school photos, loving them, and feeling a bit nostalgic, excited and anxious all at once. I wonder about the stories behind all of the photos. Mine showed two exceptionally good looking, smart, excited kids (totally not biased). Mostly they are looking forward to reconnecting with their friends and getting back to some of the sports and activities they have been missing - not so much the homework. But, behind the smiles, I know there is some anxiety about the homework load, friends who may have changed over the summer and not being able to sleep in or have as much golf time as we did this summer.

I have had a few friends check in with me because they know me well enough to know that having a high schooler probably freaks me out. It does. I am more of an internal freak out person than external so no, I wasn't the mom who shed tears as Mason got out of the car. He is  a good kid. I believe he will be okay. I like his friends. He has a girlfriend that is smart, kind and loves to read. Yes, I said girlfriend. When I was texting my friend that Mason and his girlfriend went to Barnes and Noble, she asked me if backpack didn't autocorrect to girlfriend. No. it's true. I would freak out about this if she wasn't so sweet and I hadn't had two months to get used to the idea.

So. yesterday morning, I heard Mason rustling around at 6 am eating his breakfast and reading the paper. I got up and we chatted. I thought about going for a run but decided on this momentous day, I would rather make him eggs and be nervous, fidgety and a bit spazzy with him. He wasn't excited that the first day was filled with welcome activities. He told me he would rather just start his classes and get on with it. Totally my kid. We want the hard, awkward part to be over and just be in the middle of it when everything is comfortable.

I think this is the first year that I wasn't as excited for school to start. Our summer went really fast. When I look back at it, I can't remember too much that happened except A TON OF GOLF. I must have walked miles on various golf courses around the state. But, we had fun. Mason and Audrey have a good relationship and seem to enjoy each other's company. Most of the time, I enjoy being around them. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine, unicorn and roses but generally, I like the people they are and are becoming. I am glad they will be at school for the simple fact that I worry more about them when I am at work and they are just at home for hours than when they are at school.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there will be more drama than I want and hard choices that we have to face along the way. But, as my friend Jenny quoted to me from one of our favorite writers, Glennon Doyle Melton, "we can do hard things." I believe this. I believe I can do the hard things I need to do this year. I also believe that my kids can and will too. When Mason was getting out of the car for his first day of high school he turned and said, "love you, mom." Love you, too superstar. You've got this.

Happy Birthday, Supergirl

My girl turns 12 today. Although, to be honest, we have been celebrating for several days. When you are 12, I'm learning, it's important to REALLY celebrate. 

This is going to be a good year for her. I can feel it - or maybe I just want it to be for both of us because I am not much for drama. She doesn't move schools for seventh grade, she has a nice group of friends, she is smart and able to manage her school work thus far and she is involved with several sports/other activities. Sounds good, right?

Here's the catch...this girl has a BIG heart. Remember in The Grinch that Stole Christmas when his heart grew three sizes that day? Audrey's heart is already that big. She is kind, compassionate, empathetic and very sensitive. Everything she feels is on a BIG level.  When she is joyful, she is bouncing off the walls, belly-laughing joyful. When she is mad she is scowl, run up the stairs and slam her door mad. I have heard her say "this is the best day of my life" a few times this summer. In the moment this is TOTALLY how she feels. I think her feelings are just bigger than average. We were watching America's Got Talent the other night and the judges' "X'd" an older man who was making music by doing different things with his hands. It was odd and I didn't blame them for not advancing him but Audrey was devastated. She burst in to tears immediately. I was just glad I had already told her she couldn't watch it until the end because it was getting too late. She wouldn't have been able to manage the next elimination round.

Most of the time I love that she feels on a greater level - she is a joy to be around and notices things, people, and situations that we might otherwise miss. She is always rooting for the underdog and looking for the person who could use an extra hug. What I worry about is that having a heart this big makes the getting hurt that much bigger. More heart to ache. She is a good judge of character but I worry that she will gravitate toward the wrong friend or, heaven help me, boy who won't have a heart that big and won't be careful with her. Is it wrong that I want to cover her in bubble wrap? 

She's 12, still goofy and most days loves her momma. The sleepless nights aren't setting in quite yet and I hope she hangs on to her innocent, sweet and kind nature for a long, long time. I don't wish her heart was smaller because it is so much of who she is BUT I am going to keep working on bubble wrap for a 5'6" 12-year-old. Happy Birthday my lovely Audrey. You are amazing.

Perseverance rocks

Mason had a golf tournament in Washington this weekend. So starts the tournament season. I look at our summer calendar and see really nothing except golf related outings with the occasional basketball and summer camp thrown in for Audrey. We even cancelled our planned road trip to Yosemite and the Grand Tetons once Mason got invited to a tournament at Pinehurst in North Carolina. Now that's the family trip this summer. Honestly though, I am way more excited about the prospect of North Carolina then the road trip. I love my family but that doesn't mean I want to spend endless hours in the car with them. Kudos to those of you that enjoy those road trips.

I had to work this past weekend so Mason and Michael went to the tournament. I tried to stay updated via texts and the online leader board - which was hardly updated. Most of my texts included the words please, sunscreen and hydrate. I also threw in the text every so often asking Michael if Mason looked like he was having fun. His having fun on the course is way more important to me than his score. He is only 14. He has lots of time to try to win and place. You only get to be 14 once and if he is going to play golf 4+ days a week and we are going to devote hours this summer to golf outings, it HAS to be fun.

The best text was on day two of the tournament. Michael had already told me that Mason had kind of a rough couple of holes on his first nine of day two. I couple of hours later I get a text from Michael that says Mason wants me to check the leader board. So, I do. After his more difficult first nine, he had nailed his second nine and had broken 80 for the first time ever. I know Mason well enough to know that the score probably elicited a fabulous grin and some fist pumping. I LOVE that he wanted me to check his score, not because of the place he had finished in but because he was proud of himself for his comeback. Two years ago, he would not have been able to recover from a couple of bad holes. I have walked courses with him where he has gotten in a funk and not been able to get out which is evident in his attitude and his game. He has come a long way. He can still be hard on himself for a bad hole but his ability to see the bigger picture and persevere has grown tremendously.

Mason has a great group of kids that he plays golf with regularly. In general, they are a positive, fun group. There is one kid in particular that he always mentions to me that he likes playing with. His friend is younger and relatively new to golf. Many of these kids have been playing golf for a long time and are REALLY good. Even though they are friendly, I have to imagine it can be very intimidating to start with this group when you are new to the sport. But, this friend of his, has stuck with it for more than a year. He keeps showing up. He can have a rough round and he comes again the next day ready to try again. He is kind, friendly and positive even if he is pretty hard on himself. I know Mason likes playing with him because of his attitude and fun sense of humor. I have great respect for this kid who keeps coming back again and again even if he can't always see immediate results. As hard as it has to be to keep at something that seems to be coming easier to others, his friend is learning something even more valuable - the importance of perseverance. I have no doubt that it is going to pay off.

A few years back I ran the Helvetia Half Marathon. It is a hard half  - beautiful but very hilly. Towards mile 12 I was kind of over it - which is unfortunate when you have 1 mile to go. I was running on a gravel road thinking of how miserable I was when a guy running just ahead of me, ran to the side of the road and threw up. Then, he cleaned himself off and kept running. If he feels bad enough to vomit and can keep running, I can probably finish a mile. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and we both finished the run.

There are many character traits I hope my kids exhibit now and in the years to come - kindness, empathy, faith - but perseverance is right up there too. No doubt they have awesome and fun adventures ahead of them. But, no doubt they also have HARD adventures ahead of them too. It's the kid who has learned how to persevere that is going to be able to get to the other side of the hard times in tact. I also hope they surround themselves with other people who are also committed to persevering because these kids - they are the ones going places. When things get hard, they are going to be able to go through instead of around. Don't get me wrong, if Mason finds himself on top of the leader board one day I will totally celebrate that victory. But, I will also celebrate the round where he had some hard holes but kept going. That's a victory too.

Mason the Magnificent

Today my baby turns 14. I had the brilliant idea of writing a post about how proud I am of the kid he is today and then I looked back and realized I had this same brilliant idea when he was 13. I can't help myself, but will keep it short and sweet.

Happy Birthday, MLB. You are still the most energetic, fast-paced, enthusiastic kid I know. You would get up at 5 am and be outside playing golf or basketball until 11 pm if we would let you. You are crazy smart, have a fun sense of humor and are an awesome brother to Audrey. I love watching how excited you get (mostly) that she is taking up golf. When the two of you "debrief" hole by hole after your Sunday round together while cleaning clubs, my heart grows two sizes. I hope the two of you stay friends always. It's tough out there, you need each other. Her spazzy is a good balance to your serious - even if you don't always agree.

I can't believe high school is right around the corner, literally. No doubt, I will cry at your 8th grade graduation Sorry. I am not sad that we are here now, just proud of how far you have come and excited to see where you are going. I look forward to seeing what you do over the next four years. I know you won't follow me into the medical profession. You seem a little freaked out about the blood, body fluids, and numbers of naked people I see each day. It's not for everyone. You will find your thing. No hurry. But whatever it is, if you end up in an office, you are going to need a computer station on a treadmill. I don't see you sitting very long....ever.

I know my coolness factor has gone down but I don't think I embarrass you too much yet. As long as I can still occasionally beat you in a game of horse and run farther (not faster) than you, I think I might stay okay for a bit longer. I love that you still tell me you love me when you get out of the car at school in the morning. I know one day you might not be willing to say it so I will store it up for now.

I know there are times we drive each other crazy, but I know you also know that I am crazy about you. You are an awesome kid, Mason Bonn and I'm glad you are mine. I will love you forever. Happy 14th Birthday.

The Mama Factor

I have an amazing friend named Heather. Heather and I became friends right after I graduated from college. We have a mutual friend that introduced us and we became running partners. I actually think we spent more time eating pizza than running, but regardless, a great friendship ensued. We have seen each other through moves, births of babies, weddings, losses, and now we are both in the midst of the tenuous teen years with our kiddos.

Heather and I have been meeting for coffee, or happy hour, depending on our mood and what we are facing down at the moment, for decades. This morning I sat across from her beautiful, smiling face and unloaded for a looongg time. It's been a hard week. Work had its issues this week, kids are struggling with some friend drama, I have relationships that need some work, etc. etc. I know I share a lot in writing but there is definitely stuff that isn't meant for here. Heather sits and listens to it all. She has seen the beautiful and the ugly (as well as some bad hairstyles and clothing choices)....and she keeps coming back. She doesn't judge me. She just loves me and I think I might have had a psychotic break quite some time ago if I didn't have her. 

With Mother's Day approaching again, (Sunday in case you are just now realizing this - buy mom a card) I am reminded how fortunate I am to be a mom and also have a great mom. But, today especially, I am also reminded how immensely grateful I am for the women in my life who share the journey with me. Not only do I have Heather, but I have several amazing women that I could call and they would be there for me in a heartbeat. I could tell them that I called my kid a smart ass (on accident, it slipped) and they would laugh, tell me a similar story and not that I am a terrible parent who needs to watch her language. I could tell them how hard I think some parts of the journey are right now and they wouldn't tell me to suck it up (they may want to)  but instead that tomorrow will most likely be better - and if it isn't, we can go out for a drink.

I am a lucky mama. So to all my mama friend's, Happy Mother's Day. I am grateful for you.

Being Here

I just finished an amazing book. I probably say that a fair bit but I hardly ever say it about a nonfiction book. So, this is a REALLY amazing book – How to be Here by Rob Bell. I blew through it and on almost every other page I found myself nodding my head and his thoughts totally resonating with me and where I’m at right now. He doesn’t waste time with a lot of ancillary details and just gets to the point – not necessarily one of my strong suits but I totally appreciate that about him as an author.

Some days it is easier to be HERE than others. This past Sunday I walked with my kids as they played golf. The weather was amazing, they were both having a great time and my only responsibilities were walking, sunscreening and hydrating. Easy to be present. Last week I met a friend at my favorite coffee shop, we sat outside and chatted and then walked Annie. Easy to be here.

A week or so ago I found myself in the midst of a code gray that was unfolding at work. A code gray is indicative of an aggressive patient or visitor. They aren’t fun to be a part of because tensions are heightened and there is the potential for someone to get hurt. Security arrived and everything resolved well, but, a little harder to embrace the present and realize there is something to be learned from the experience. Same can be said when I am with a patient that is taking a turn for the worse or gets a difficult diagnosis. It is so important to stay present and be available but challenging when emotions run high.

These middle school years can be a roller coaster. When things are good – kids are talking to us, getting along with their friends, feeling confident in school and relationships, it can be fun and energizing to be around them. When they are talking back, complaining about our electronic restrictions or feeling left out, it’s hard not to wish some of this time away. That’s why this book was so timely. It was a good reminder that being here, in the present, is critical for so many reasons. In his book Bell says, … “there is a question that you can ask about the things that have come your way that you didn’t want. It’s a question rooted in a proper understanding of the world, a question we have to ask ourselves continually through our lives: what new and good thing is going to come out of even this?”

Audrey is at outdoor school. Honestly, I really miss her. She brings such a fun, sweet, silly dynamic to our crazy bunch. She has lamented about going to outdoor school for two years – since Mason went and had a less than awesome time. At first she was on the fence about going. Neither of my kids get really excited about spending time away. I’m not sure why. I would think they could use a break from us, but for whatever reason, going away has not been their thing. She decided to go but has been very nervxcited (her new word) for the past two weeks. There may have been some tears. But, now she is there. Instead of just wishing this week would pass by quickly so I know she’s okay and she can be through the hard part, I hope both of us can be present in the here. I think she will be proud of herself for conquering a fear and may really enjoy her time with friends at the beach. I am trying to remain present and enjoy the extra time I get to spend with just Mason.

So, this is one of the big things I am working on right now. Trying to not wish this time or the hard experiences away but staying present for the good and the difficult. Rob Bell says it better than I can, “While we grieve and feel and lament and express whatever is brewing within us, a truth courses through the veins of all our bumps and bruises, and it is this: We have received. You’re here, you’re breathing and you have received a gift, a generous, extraordinary, mysterious, inexplicable gift.”

Good Enough

Before I can “be better,” I have to be good enough. I love the idea of “be better.” It seems to be the unofficial motto of my kids’ golf academy, SKOUTgolf. It’s inspiring and motivating. Who doesn’t want to be better? I would probably even wear it on a shirt – right after I wear out my “not running sucks” Nike shirt. I haven’t worn that one much outside the house. I bought it in a weak moment. Sucks is not a word I let my kids use but now I have it on a sign and on a shirt. I think my mom would be horrified. I like to blame it on keeping my sanity while living with middle schoolers but maybe I am just acting like a middle schooler.

I realized over the past couple of days that as much as I love the motto “be better,” I need to be okay with “good enough” first. I tend to be my own worst critic and never quite believe that I am enough. I am always trying to work on being a better friend, parent, nurse and I imagine I will always be trying to strive for more. I am always a bit restless. But, even though there is great room for improvement, I’m okay now. I have a good relationship with my kids, most days. I like to think my patients feel cared for and that I am fairly competent, most days.

I was talking to Audrey the other night about school. Audrey was lamenting over the fact that school seems to come easier for Mason. He’s in TAG and advanced math and doesn’t ever seem to study all that much. At times she feels like she doesn’t measure up. My heart broke for her in that moment and I could totally relate to where she was coming from. Growing up, my sister was the TAG kid who not only seemed to be ahead of me academically but she also was better at the sports we both played. I was never as fast or as good on the field.

I tried to encourage Audrey. To remind her of all her gifts and talents. She is smart, kind and empathetic. There are definitely things that come easier to her than to Mason but they are less tangible than school and that’s hard to explain to an 11-year-old who feels a bit in the shadow. In that moment, I realized that not only do I need to continue to encourage her and build her up, I need to also model to her that I believe I am good enough. Instead of criticizing myself and focusing on my shortcomings, I need to show her that I am confident, secure and enough as I am.

I oriented to a new job this week. Same hospital, same unit, just a different role. I won’t have my own patient group when I am there but I will interact, and ideally, support all the patients and nurses. I have to wear a name badge that says “nurse leader.” Not a huge fan of the name badge. Feels like when someone puts the Christian Fish on their car. Once the label is there, I kind of expect you to drive better, be more courteous, kind and responsible. I feel the same way with the Nurse Leader badge. Now I need to be more competent, smarter, more responsible, than say, yesterday. I have confidence issues that I won’t measure up. Yesterday I found myself apologizing to an oncoming nurse for her patient assignment that I had been responsible for creating. I knew she was going to have a busy night. She can totally handle it but I wanted to give her rainbows and unicorns…five or six lovely patients that are alert, oriented, independent and don’t require too much. In reality, this is a general medical/surgical unit. Nobody gets rainbows and unicorns. It’s just about distributing the hardest patients to make everything as manageable as possible. Clearly, I will need to work on my confidence and stop apologizing when not everything works out as well as I hoped. This role will take some growing into for me but I need to embrace that I am good enough and this is where I am supposed to be now, at this moment.

I am all about growing and trying to be better than I was yesterday, or last week or last year. But, I need to remember that I am good enough now. I need my kids to know that even though I may get on them about certain things – like Mason losing one of his belongings EVERY DAY and Audrey talking to me in that special tween tone – that they are AMAZING just as they are. They are wonderful, beautiful people made in God’s image. Once we embrace that we are good enough, I think the “be better” becomes more fun and tangible. Like the icing on the cake.

Life through the mind of a teenager

I have a guest blogger today! Mason's been working on this for awhile. After this post, he gets his own space and you will be able to find him here...http://masonbmusings.blogspot.com/ 

Hello. My name is Mason Bonn. I am 13 years old and live in Oregon. Now, you might be wondering, How can a teenager have space in his deeply complex brain to write a blog? And what could it possibly be about that appeals to all ages? I certainly don't want to read a blog about middle school girls! Well don't worry. I actually do think about other things than food and girls. Even if it is mostly golf, which, by the way, is a high-contact sport! Your club contacts the ball, your foot contacts the ground, over and over again!  So anyway, while this blog may not be your typical blog, It will (hopefully) answer the decade-old question; What in the world was he thinking?! That’s right, this blog is (mostly) dedicated to explaining what goes on in the mind of a teenager while he sits on the couch with a blank look on his face, staring at the TV. Truth is, it's probably more important than you think.

So, why do I want to write a blog? Well, I had two main motives. The first was my mom's blog, which I've always thought was awesome. I’m constantly pestering her to write a book. (http://wordynurse.blogspot.com/)  The second? It comes from a book my sister lent me. (give me a break here, guys. I get bored on 5 hour car rides.)  In it, a girl pours out her emotions online and receives nothing but positive affirmations. If only the real world was like that. In the real world, everyone's too busy trying to be perfect to care about other people's feelings. I blame social media. Which basically makes me a hypocrite, considering I currently own 2 Instagram accounts. Anyway, back to the point. So I decided to write a blog. Great. Awesome. So what's it about? Oh, right. I can't just have an empty blog. 

So I dug deep and thought, What do I have to tell that people would care about? I’m guessing there aren't enough people out there in the cyberworld that would care about youth golf, and I’m guessing there’s already one devoted to the utter greatness of pizza, so what's left? Oh wait, I know! What if I wrote about Us? Of course by us, I mean the most mysterious, lazy, and least talkative age group of all time. Drumroll please.... Teenagers! This was perfect because every parent who had ever had a child between the ages of 13-19 at some point looked at them and thought, What in the world are they thinking about? And of course it hadn't been done before because, as I already mentioned, teenagers are too busy trying to be perfect, acting mad at their parents or wondering when their next meal is. They don’t have the time to write a blog, and don't want to anyway. Except me. Truth is, I really do love to write, and I think it would be great to share my writing. Anyway, hang with me. I’m new at this. But I know I'll have fun. I just hope you'll get as much pleasure reading my words as I get writing them.

Unbridled Enthusiasm

I had the opportunity to walk with Mason at a golf tournament this past Sunday. I think it's one of my favorite things to do with him right now. I get to walk alongside him for 4+ hours, he is doing what he loves, and he still seems glad to have me there at the end. The tournament was in Washougal - conditions weren't ideal, wind, rain and the occasional sun break. After playing in tournaments all winter, we finally have our system down. I wear my 20 layers and he brings a jacket.

Mason's front nine was the round of his life. He couldn't miss a putt. It was amazing. He usually finishes in the middle of the pack - which is great. But, after 9 he was in second place and first was well within his reach. His enthusiasm is contagious. Mason has always been something of an open book. If he isn't telling you exactly how he feels, he is fist pumping, laughing, smiling, jumping up and down and sprinting. He may be the only kid I have seen sprint on the golf course.

As you may imagine, maintaining this enthusiasm while playing the very focused game of golf don't always go hand in hand. He was able to maintain his position until about hole 14. I felt I could almost see him mentally adding up his score and what he needed to do each hole to win. It seems to me that once you get distracted in golf, it becomes very hard to get that small ball in the hole - and that's what happened with Mason. His excitement and nerves made it very hard to finish out each hole as well. He was still smiling and sprinting on hole 18 but he had fallen several spots.

My friend asked me during the tournament if I would rather have a "too excited" kid or the stressed but focused kid who is able to finish strong. Easy. I pick too excited kid EVERY TIME. This will work out for Mason. He played the best 14 holes of golf he has ever played. He will eventually figure out how to keep his excitement and possibly his energy in check to be able to maintain for 18.

I talk partial responsibility for Mason's "too much." Although not much of a fist pumper or jumper, I am "too much" of a lot of things....too introspective, too careful, too sensitive. Just this week at work I am pretty sure my heart broke wide open from a patient who was reaching the end of his journey and one that was trying to make her story longer. They cried, I cried, and I am going to have to figure out how to sew myself up before I go back to work Saturday. Even though the emotions feel like they can get in the way at times, I still pick too excited and too sensitive every time. I believe that's where the joy is. So, I look forward to the next tournament with my too excited kid and will enjoy every fist pump along the way.

Do you really want to know?

I just got back from the grocery store. I'm not a huge fan of ANY type of shopping but find the family starts to complain when we are out of such things as say...milk. And, being out of bananas is pretty much a crisis for Mason since he eats at least two a day. So, I went. It was fine...until the nice, young checker asked me what I had going on the rest of the day. I know...it's his job to be friendly and engage in conversation but why does this question make me feel bad about what I really have going on the rest of the day? I feel like I quickly need to think of something amazing to say. I'm going ROCK CLIMBING or SNOWSHOEING or maybe going to a soup kitchen to provide meals to the needy. But, I'm not. I'm going home, unloading my groceries, starting on my taxes and hanging out with my dog. That's the reality. I think I just left it as "nothing too exciting" but I did leave feeling bad about my plans.

You know why I don't get the Dutch Bros. craze? Well, for one, I am not a huge fan of their coffee. I know some people will take offense, but, not my taste. The other reason? I don't want a perky teenager walking up to my car window and, in addition to taking my order, asking me what I'm up to. Is my introverted nature shining through? Again, I feel like I have to have an amazing response. My favorite coffee shop? Symposium in Sherwood. I love the coffee and, usually, instead of asking me what I have going on the rest of the day, they will either not make small talk or I learn something random. Today the barista asked me if I knew the definition of a cephalopod. I couldn't remember (an active predatory mollusk, such as an octopus, for those interested) but that's my kind of conversation. We then talked about biology, I learned that his sister is an RN and he dislikes science, they handed me my beautifully designed mocha, and sent me on my way. Perfect.

I know I have mentioned before that small talk really isn't my thing. I would rather talk to you about how your day is really going than the rain. I try not to ask someone how they are unless I am really prepared for them to not just say "fine" but instead tell me about a health ailment or personal concern. If I'm asking you, feel free to unload. Really. Or test my knowledge on the animal kingdom. 

I understand that my feeling bad that I didn't have something exciting going on this afternoon is my issue. I get that. The friendly checker was just doing his job. That's why I spared him any commentary. I don't know why I have this need to feel interesting and impressive. Quite frankly, my quiet day is exactly what I needed. I was left a little emotionally bruised from work this week. Between an unexpected patient outcome,verbal insults and some condescension, I need a quiet afternoon doing uninteresting things with Annie at my feet. The words sent my way at work weren't personal - I know this in my head. The people speaking them do not know me. They would have shared their unhappiness with anyone in their path at the time..it just happened to be me. 

Here's the thing I have learned about my extra sensitive, extra feeling self....I take the words personally anyway no matter how hard I try. So, I usually need a little bit of time to right myself before jumping in again. I just need to remind myself that it's okay. Everyone has different things that they need and if mine is doing taxes while listening to Adam Levine, then so be it.

I am going to come up with some brilliant response to "what do you have going on the rest of the afternoon?" at some point or I am just going to feel great about saying "nothing". Maybe the next time I get asked, I will just start talking about cephalopods....my new favorite word.

The Messy Middle

I know I have written about middle school before. How can I not? It's a confusing, awkward, nearly inexplicable time for kids and parents AND I have two right in the thick of it. Every day is proving to be an adventure. I have seen many posts recently including a few good articles about middle school like this one.....http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/kids-parenting/middle-school-worst-age-study. Someone actually did a study that shows that mothers of middle schoolers are more stressed and depressed than mothers of any other age kids. I don't know if I feel more stressed or depressed but I think I will take the articles' advice and practice more self care. I am all for more massages in my future. But parents that haven't gotten to this age yet, take heart. Truth be told that as crazy, emotional and confounding as my kids may be at times, I still LIKE them the majority of the time. I think they are good, goofy people who, on occasion, will still hang out with me. We laugh, a lot, in between the battles and the tears.

Today I have an unexpected day off. Census is low at work so they put me on standby. When I woke Audrey up for school this morning, she was thrilled to hear I was off. Funny because she has to go to school but she does have early release and I think she likes the idea that I may still be off when she gets home today. She was actually excited about the idea of spending time with me (or she wants to go to the Container Store this afternoon and this is her in). This coming from the girl who stomps up the stairs, slams her door and will tell me that I totally don't get it on any other given day. In his own way, Mason seemed glad to see me still around as well. He just expresses it more through grunting than actual words.

The stakes are higher and the pressures greater with kids in middle school. Our conversations are no longer about play dates but dating. Yikes. We talk A LOT about electronic usage, friendships and respect. BUT, in the midst of all the seriousness and hormones, they are still kids and goofballs. They both just wrapped up a drug section in health. I was quizzing them as they prepared for their assessments. Mason told me that he got one wrong on his quiz because he listed "cocaine" as a gateway drug. Ummm....once you have hit cocaine you have pretty much blown past the gate. Yep, we had a lighthearted discussion about cocaine. Who would have thought? He tried to convince me that caffeine might be a gateway drug but I assured him that my 20+ years of caffeine addiction have only lead to more caffeine. 

We have good discussions. They are still talking to me. I try to make nothing off limits. I hope this never changes. I was never great at the toddler stage. I like being able to have conversations and reason with my kids - when they are willing to be reasonable, which isn't always. Just the other day Mason was giving me some serious attitude and I called him a smart ass. I did. My mind said "aleck" but my mouth said ass. Not my best moment. I definitely have times where I don't think enough before I speak. Audrey instantly burst into tears because I had used a bad word AND it was directed towards Mason. Meanwhile, Mason just looked really, really surprised. Here's the thing though. They are at an age where I could talk to them about how I screwed up. I was wrong to swear and apologized. We had a good talk and I am going to do my best to not call him a smart ass any time in the near future.

I will always love my kids. Most days, even in these middle school years, I like them too. Truly. We have our moments and I am always on guard when they walk through the door. I am never sure what might be coming at me, but they are a hoot. They keep me laughing and I love (mostly) the people they are evolving into. Mason told me how in class this week he was at his instructors' desk and looked out at the window that faces the track. He saw a PE class running a lap and noticed that one kid was significantly beating the rest...so, he says out loud "hey, that looks kind of like Audrey." Then he realizes it IS Audrey. He calls his friends over and they all watch her finish first. THIS. For all the emotional, frustrating, confusing moments, I still get these moments and they make it all worth it.

Finding Your Passion

Recently, I had a lovely patient who I had the privilege to take care of for a couple of days. The hospital has been crazy busy since the first of the year and it feels like the patients have been REALLY sick. I know...they are in the hospital, of course they aren't well. But sometimes you go through phases where the general needs are even greater than usual. The last month or so has felt harder - and it isn't just my post Christmas sugar slump.

The aforementioned (great word that I never get to use)  patient was a delight - positive, kind and thoughtful. His needs weren't great but he seemed to appreciate the company whenever I would check in. I learned he enjoys woodworking in his spare time and we talked about his latest projects. I am not a woodworker myself but I have spent hundreds of dollars on tools and have been in Woodcraft more than most. I like to consider myself an honorary woodworker considering the amount of time Michael has spent in the shop. He might beg to differ since I don't often pick up a tool.

This gentleman's entire face lit up every time he talked about his projects. He LOVES woodworking. Maybe even as much as Michael. It was such a joy to talk to him about his passion. I love discovering what excites a person even if I don't share the same passion. Finding your thing is a big deal. For some people it is more than one thing. I can pretty passionately talk about nursing and coffee. I love both but won't admit which one more.

I was able to walk a few holes at a tournament this week with my kids' fun and super hardworking golf coach. He was telling me that although he loves playing golf, it is more rewarding for him to walk alongside the kids and support them while they play. He even got a little emotional talking about how excited he was for that tournament and seeing the kids out on the course for the first time in 2016. I am pretty certain that talking about golf has NEVER brought me to tears - unless you count the times when I was trying to play golf with Mason. But, HOW COOL that his coach has found his passion and it shows. How many people figure out what makes them passionate and then get to do it regularly? I mean, I get to drink coffee all the time but it took me until my 30's to figure out I was meant to be a nurse.

I think of my friends that are artists...Some of them have figured out a way to make a living practicing their art and some have incorporated art as a hobby. Either way, how impressive that they are making time for something they love. I can draw stick figures and my knowledge of art is limited. That's okay. Art is not what I am passionate about and I don't see that changing in the near future but I am so glad the artists are creating! I get to benefit from their passion.

This is what I hope for my kids. I hope they find their passion. For now, Mason's is golf. He likes other things too but the thing that he gets "jump up and down" excited about? Golf. He's always ready to play a round, doesn't complain about going and can talk about shots he made three years ago. If this continues to be his passion, I hope he either really does make it professionally (his dream) or at least figures out how to incorporate it in his every day life. We need things we are passionate about and we need to be encouraged to pursue them.

Audrey has a multitude of passions at the moment including the dog, her friends and, until about a week ago, One Direction (the breakup is still too fresh to talk about). I am not sure if she will find one thing that really gets her excited in the future or if it will be a multitude of things. Whatever it is, I hope I can encourage her in it. For now, I will go to work this weekend engaging in both of my passions simultaneously and try to discover what makes those around me tick.

My Year of Yes

I am not sure how this started...my "year of yes." I think it was around my birthday and I was with my friend, Karin, celebrating. She made last year her year of yes - which included a trip to Australia and a walking tour of the Bay of Fires in Tasmania. I am not sure my year will be quite so grand. But, I like the concept. She tried to spend the year embracing and being open to things she might not usually say yes to. We talked about it near my birthday and I decided why not? I feel like I am in a bit of a rut so maybe if I said yes to different opportunities I will be pleasantly surprised.

The idea has taken some time to wade through. I called Karin panicked a few weeks after my birthday and asked her to clarify what this all meant when I had turned down an offer and Michael questioned my ability to embrace my year. A definite introvert by nature, does this mean I should say yes to every social event that comes my way? I much prefer hanging out with a few people than a crowd. She assured me that being open to opportunities didn't mean that I had to change my core. I don't need to agree to every thing that comes my way - that sounds exhausting just thinking about it. See....an introvert. But, I need to spend more time considering opportunities that my gut reaction is to decline.

What has this looked like so far? An art class, signing up for another round of the Epic Relay this summer (my body already hurts thinking about it), changing my workout to do something besides running, picking up a book about introverts that I had stopped because sometimes introspection is hard, an overnight trip to the beach with my kids in December that included waving jumping in rain boots and joining a women's bible study from church (my kind of women - they meet at Starbucks and don't mind that I can only come half the time). All of these have been really great experiences. 

You may look at my list and think all of them sound fun and like not much of a stretch, but for me, they are - some more than others. In the book Quiet by Susan Cain, I found a description of introverts that I feel is pretty accurate for me. "They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussion " (p. 11). My mom's a former English teacher so I have to cite my source. 

So, the trick becomes merging my introverted tendencies with my desire for new opportunities. So far, it's been fun. I have enjoyed everything I said yes to more than I expected. I am not sure what the next several months will look like but I have a few ideas. I just got an email from Medical Teams International suggesting I finish the application I started to volunteer on an international team. Um.....okay? Mason thinks my year of yes should include some golf lessons. I think it will include more writing. I'm not sure but I am going to try to stay open ...and say yes.