Love in Vain

I heard the term to “love in vain” the other day and it got me to thinking…is it possible to love in vain? Is any love really in vain? Then I went to the all knowing source, wikianswers and asked “them” what it meant. Here it is: “to love in vain means that you get nothing in return for your love. It means that you gave your heart to someone who did not care to have it.”*  I don’t know why but I found this answer funny. It completely simplifies what can be quite a painful experience. I can just picture someone returning a heart with a “no, thanks.”

I don’t buy it though. Even if the other person did not care to have the heart, I don’t think it is in vain. What if the one who is loving learned something from the experience? Does that make it in vain? What if they benefited from pouring their love on the lovee? I beg to differ wikianswers, I am not sure love can be in vain.

I had a patient last week who was a pretty tough lady. She was on our unit for a stroke but she had A LOT of other issues too – many of them psych issues. Turns out all those psych meds put her at a higher risk of a stroke but, for her, coming off the meds wasn’t an option she would consider. I looked into her history a bit and she had a hard life –really hard. From some of her other physical issues, it didn’t appear that she found much reason to get out of bed. Oh, and did I mention, she was roughly my age? I like to think of myself as not quite midlife. Despite some bad heart genes, I plan to live a long, full life. This patient, judging from her condition, was most likely past her mid-life. 

She did have a significant other who spent quite a bit of time with her. He seemed a bit disengaged working/playing on his computer much of the time. I think he was her primary caregiver. At first I thought the relationship seemed pretty messed up and then I realized, who am I to judge what a relationship should look like?  After spending a few nights with her, I started to think that maybe this system worked for them. Even though she didn’t seem to be able to provide much in return, and maybe she didn’t even care to have his heart – although my hunch is that she did – I think caring and loving her, in his own way, gave him a purpose. His love wasn’t in vain.

I think about my past crushes and loves where the boy did not care to have my heart. As painful and baffling as these experiences may have seemed to a very young and naive me, I know I learned something each time. I learned that I could survive a broken heart and that maybe I should have a little more discretion in choosing who to give that heart of mine too. How can this be in vain?

I think of the patients who struggle with dementia. I imagine for their caregivers there are times where it must seem like the loved one, in the midst of their  confusion, does not wish to have their heart. Does that mean they stop loving? Is their love in vain? These are some of the most selfless people I have seen. They KEEP loving even when it is hard. Really hard. So, wikianswers, I think we should change the definition for “to love in vain” to “it isn’t possible.”

*As the daughter of an English teacher I am obliged to give credit where credit is due and here is the link to wikianswers definition: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_it_mean_to_love_in_vain