I had a friend tell me once, when my kids were small, that she was surprised I had become a mom. It was an odd thing to say. I think she meant it more because I was not outwardly warm and fuzzy and was introverted I guess? It didn't feel like a compliment and it has always stuck with me. And, truthfully, being a mom has been one of the best things I ever did. Mason and Audrey are two of my favorite humans on this whole planet. Which makes this whole empty nest thing a bit challenging.
I did not know this part would be so hard. I was focused on making sure everyone was organized and ready to head off to college for the fall. With Mason at this point, it's easier. He is in his junior year and since school is in Indiana, most of his stuff lives in a storage unit by campus during the year. For Audrey, there was a lot of lists, purchases, plans and angst. She is super organized though so other than one really full day of dorm shopping and picking up some things here and there, she had most of it covered.
I cried when Mason left. I didn't go with him this time. As he was getting ready to go he asked "is this the year you won't cry when I leave, Mom?" Nope, not a chance. I told him that it appears I will cry each time he goes whether it's summer, Christmas or spring break. So we might as well get used to it. I recover but, since we are in the third year and it happens every time, nobody should be surprised.
Since I have done this with one kid already, I knew taking the second kid would be HARD. She is within driving distance which maybe makes it a little easier? Maybe? But, I anticipated the tears and, true to form, they came. And, this is with the entire move-in being PERFECT. Her roommate is lovely and such a good fit for her. She loves the dorm she is in and was already going into rooms and introducing herself before I even left. She has already hammocked multiple times, ridden the bus, found yoga and a church where somehow she scored plants and a ton of fruits and veggies. I couldn't have asked for a better transition.
So....the kids are safe, thriving, surrounded by some good humans and content. That is everything I could hope for. What I did not anticipate is the void left behind. I expected the tears on departure and the strange feeling of not having them here but the void was unexpected.
It makes sense though, doesn't it? For 20 years I have been responsible for the care, mental and physical well being of two humans. It's wild when you think about it...how dramatically your life changes once they arrive and how for 18 or so years you are responsible for all the things surrounding them? Sure, it changes over time. As they get older and learn to drive, instead of being a glorified Uber driver, you are watching them on Life 360 making sure they arrive safely at their destination or to discover why they aren't home. Conversations change too. No longer are you talking about who they sat next to at lunch or what reading assignment they have but instead discussing climate change, relationships, sex, budgeting...you know, the easy stuff.
The transitions in high school help prepare for their leaving. No longer are you so much the focus as they spend more time with friends. Well...except for covid where they were forced, for better or worse to spend more time together. But even as they grow and mature and you think you are decently prepared....it is still unexpected.
And this is from someone who has a full time job. Also, for the past few years of them being at home, they were only with me about 50% of the time since their dad and I got divorced. And, I have hobbies and friends outside of them. All the things were in place that in theory should make them leaving easier.
But, there it is...a void since they have gone. I miss them. I recognize that my life with them will never be the same. I am not being dramatic. This is how it is supposed to be. Their independence increases. They will still return home for breaks and maybe if they need a place to live short term while they get situated after graduation. But, them being dependent on me for their everyday needs, is gone. And, it's harder than I expected. My role is evolving. I told them both over the summer that I don't know how to parent this age. I am learning and it is not always graceful and I screw up and will continue to. It's okay. It is just how it is.
I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I have two amazing humans out in the world doing great things AND calling their mom and checking in. I will be okay as I learn a new normal. I have a job I love and a partner who adores me. I had a beautiful friend with kids a bit younger tell me that she didn't know the adults felt it quite like this because nobody was talking about it. So, that's why I am talking about it. I have to imagine that each parent who watches their kids leave feels different. It must depend on the kid, the relationship, the circumstance. I have to imagine that some are a bit relieved when they get to this stage. None of this is wrong. My experience is that it is lonely when they go. Pieces of my heart are in Indiana and Washington and I have to carry on in some new kind of normal. It may take a minute, but I will figure out the new normal until the next transition. But this I am certain of.....I have done hard things and can do them again. Carry on.
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