Who Are You Now?

Summer is such a time of transition for so many. I see Audrey now wrapped up with high school and looking towards her next adventure in college and know the transition is a little unsettling. My friend just told me her 8th grader is having trouble finding a rhythm with summer since she is on the cusp of high school. The unknown, a new chapter. Exciting, disarming, unsettling, hopeful, all the things.

I cried when the graduation march started. My youngest at the end of her time with me. Things will never be quite the same - and not in a bad way. She will need me differently. I need to be different. The tears were happy and sad. I am so proud of all that she has weathered and of the person she is. She ended high school with so many accolades. One of my favorites being "most likely to brighten someone's day." I concur. She brightens mine all the time.

So many changes the past five years. Some I saw coming...some I did not. Dan often reminds me that my value is not in my productivity (trying unlearning 4+ decades of this belief) but in who I am. Okay, but who is that? Many of the roles I associated myself with are....fleeting? changing? In transition? I am no longer a mom of kids at home. I no longer will have people to tell to be home at a certain time or get their homework down before heading out with friends or ask if they will be home for dinner. I know some people see empty nesters as enviable. I can see the benefits but I will miss much of it for sure. I am a huge fan of these two humans I have helped raised. I still cry every time Mason leaves. And I still struggle when he comes home knowing my role as more of an advisor than an enforcer.

In addition to my role as mom, I  put so much value in my role as an oncology nurse. Thinking that that role helped define who I am. And, while I love my job, I am reminded this week that it also doesn't define me. It isn't who I am but what I love to do. For the past two years I have been vigilant about avoiding COVID for a multitude of reasons. Obviously, nobody wants to be sick, but also the thought of passing COVID on to one of my immunocomprised patients is TERRIFYING. They can't fight it like I can. So I have been as vigilant as I can be. And guess what....2 years and a few months in, I am on day 5 of COVID. The irony? I think I got it while one of only a few people masked at a graduation party. I could be wrong. Who really knows? But that's my best guess. And, guess what? I'm replaceable! COVID will not end my run as an oncology nurse. And, I don't believe so far that I shared COVID with anyone other than Dan (who, to be fair, refused to isolate from me). But, in the end, I call in and they replace me. I didn't even get a "hope you feel better." I got a "please refer to the modified flow sheet and we will see you back on day 6 if symptoms are improving."

Like many, I imagine, I have been so defined by my roles: Mom, Nurse, Wife, Believer, Friend. I am just beginning to realize that this isn't right. So, if I am not defined by my roles, who am I? In truth, I think this will be a question I am asking for the remainder of my life but I thought I would start, in the midst of so much uncertainty, with what I know to be true here:

I am a lover of:
Life
My people
Fairness
Autonomy
Order
My People
Running
Mountains

Kindness
Health
Coffee
Learning
Reading
Wine
Chocolate

If you are feeling out of sorts, maybe start with your list. There are so many reasons to feel out of sorts right now and I am finding that being out of sorts leads me to a greater and more real truth. And, once I understand the truth about myself, my beliefs and who I am, action also becomes more clear. So here is to your list and the greater truth.