You know what we don't talk about enough? Parenting the adult adjacent population. I love the term adult adjacent. I was talking to a patient a few months back about my kids. This individual had kids a bit older than mine. We were talking about how they are mostly out of the house, doing adult like things...until they aren't. Until they call you and tell you they lost their phone, inadvertently missed a final exam or only have three day's left of contacts in their dorm (obviously random examples not meant to implicate anyone I know.) This patient referred to this set as "adult adjacent." Brilliant. They have moments where they pass as adults...and moments were they remind you that they aren't there yet.
I did not know how hard this time would be. And I say this from a position of loving who my kids are and who they are becoming. They are kind, smart, funny and remember to call home. I call them out on behavior I am not a fan of and they do the same to me. We have great conversations. It is still DAMN hard. Not hard like when they were small. That was so physically exhausting when they were learning how to walk, run, share, make friends, navigate school. That is a hard time and people talk about that time more. And then in high school it seems like parents often go a bit more silent. Silent for various reasons. Silent because our kids would be embarrassed if we talk about some of the things we are navigating. Silent because we want our kids to keep talking to us and if they thought we were sharing they might stop. Silent because we have years of parenting under our belt so we should at least pretend we know what we are doing.
Guess what? I don't. I have not done this before. I am making it up on the fly. Sometimes I have brilliant moments and sometimes I have terrible ones. I told Mason when he was home for Christmas that I LOVE being his mom AND it is hard to be his mom. And he knew what I meant. And, no worries, he is still talking to me and still loves me.
I have had more conversations than I can count with friends, coworkers and acquaintances that are parenting this adult adjacent set right now. And, the common theme that I am finding is that this population is NOT OKAY. And, as the people trying to love and support and help them navigate through this unprecedented time, we are struggling too.
What a time to be trying to chose a college or a career, meet people, navigate COVID and keep your shit together. I have heard many times how, even when the pandemic starts to recede, we will have a mental health crisis that we are only starting to see the beginnings of. And I believe it. I know so many people who are dealing with anxiety and depression either personally or with their adult adjacent people. So, let's talk about it. Let's get rid of the stigma. Let's use our collective knowledge and intellect and start directing people to help so they don't have to sit alone in the dark.
I have anxiety. Have for years. This is not new. On most days, I am a functional anxious person. Functional though because I have an amazing counselor, partner, and group of friends who love me well. And, I run. Sure, I run for my physical health but even more for my mental health.
I have kids with anxiety. Both of them. No worries. They pre-approved this message. I also have one that was recently diagnosed with ADD. This is not a surprise to me but the journey to name it has been a long one. We are still wrapping our head around how best to create structures to allow him to flourish knowing our conventional learning systems and structures don't work the same for those with learning differences. I am also learning it is much harder to help navigate the healthcare system on their behalf once they approach and turn 18. Providers don't have to talk to you and won't always let you set up appointments. And, as a nurse who works with people 17 and up, I get this. Sometimes having the parent present is not helpful. Sometimes the kid who do better with the parent present. Sometimes.
I agonize regularly knowing there are limitations to how much I can help my adult adjacents. I can guide them. I can provide resources. I can help reduce the stigma regarding mental health and seeking help from professionals. But then? Then I have to stand cheering from the sidelines, answering the phone, answering questions and support whatever direction they chose. I had no idea HOW HARD PARENTING THIS AGE would be. I said it. And from the conversations that I have had with others who have kids this age, I am not alone.
So, let's talk bout it. Let's talk with our adult adjacents. Let's provide resources. Let's admit we don't know what the hell we are doing but they aren't alone. And then let's talk to each other. Let's talk to the parent who is looking for a counselor for their kid who they just learned is depressed and let them know they aren't alone. This has been the LONGEST two years. Information is changing all the time. Let's admit we are all doing our best. We are here. We will show up for our people and for each other. And if you need someone to walk this path with you, reach out.
Jenny makes me shirts to wear at work that carry messages with them. Sometimes I wear them for my patients, sometimes I wear them for me. I wasn't at work today and I wore this one. This one was for me.
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