When I was leaving work on Friday, one of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday because I was taking a few days off and not returning until after the big day. She jokingly said "29 again?" I laughed and said "yep." Then I paused and said "actually, no. I wouldn't go back to 29." She responded with "yeah, my 30's weren't so great either. I wouldn't go back to those." I left but it got me to thinking...because one thing I am ALWAYS doing is thinking. If I were to go back to one year instead of turning one year older...which one would it be? After pondering the idea for a bit and thinking through the last four decades, I thought...I would do this year again. That's what I would go back to.
This reality blows my mind. This was a HARD year...one of the hardest thus far I think. I had some big losses..with people and with my beloved dog Annie. I also changed jobs this year and left my beautiful supportive family at Providence Newberg. This change was harder than I could have ever imagined. This year has seen some very low lows. I have felt lonely and lost at times. I have wondered if life would get easier. I have contemplating the idea of going on medication at least temporarily to see if it could cease the feeling of drowning. I have cried tears I wasn't sure would stop. It has been a year.
But I have also had some pure joy. This year has included hiking the Grand Canyon with four beautiful souls. This was one of the best trips both physically and mentally I have ever taken. I also got to explore Boston with Jenny and Mason this past year - experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. I have met some AMAZING oncology patients that have given me a beautiful perspective on life. I have a better, solid relationship with my wonderful 15-year-old Audrey. I have hiked miles in forests around Oregon and Washington solo and with company.
Even though this year was hard, beyond hard, if I had to pick one to go back to, I pick 46. I am wiser than any other year. I am learning to be by myself. I am learning to like who I am (loving who I am may come later). I am catching myself before apologizing for who I am. I almost apologized to a friend the other day because I felt like I had been too much...too sensitive. But I didn't. I am going to work really hard to not apologize for all my sensitivity and presence. Because what I am starting to realize is that's what makes me who I am. Yes, I got in line twice when they passed out feelings BUT it serves me well in many areas of my life. I know it allows me to be really present for my patients. Also all these feelings have led me to have some phenomenal conversations with my kids. We talk about all sorts of things and I like to believe they know they can talk to me about anything.
I made a bucket list for myself on my 46th birthday for the year. I completing almost all of it and the one I didn't, I will just carry over to 47. Better than repeating 46, I am going to fully embrace 47. I believe good things are ahead. Instead of recognizing what I am not, I am going to try really hard to celebrate and acknowledge what I am. I am going to look around and see who is still present even with all my big feelings. I am going to hike hundreds of more miles in our beautiful forests. I am going to take in all of Mason's senior year and send him to Rhode Island to fly. I am going to be the best me that I can. Let's do this 47.
I had a patient last week who isn't much of a talker. I was just doing something simple for her but I already knew from past encounters that she wasn't the warm and fuzzy type. I can't blame her. She had been through a brutal diagnoses and treatment in a relatively short time. She had a lot to process. I get the feeling that she is one tough lady even outside the clinic. Kind of no nonsense. So, I knew what I was getting into when I went to get her labs. Not a lot of small talk. I asked her a few questions which she answered with as few words as possible and then there was silence as I went about my task. I resisted the urge to fill the space. Reality is..I talk to strangers all day. I can talk to pretty much anyone. I can make small talk or talk to you about your fears and the reality of how hard life is and this diagnosis. The direction of the discussion I really try to leave up to the patient. But, I knew there was no benefit to fill the space with this woman. She had been through hell and was now coming out the other side. She didn't want to talk to me. There was no benefit to her in chit chat so, if I engaged, it would be because I felt uncomfortable. So, I decided against it. In that moment, I made a conscious decision to not fill the silence. I went about getting her labs and decided, in the silence, that I would do my best to simply radiate love.
When Mason and I were in San Diego for a golf tournament in the spring I saw the most brilliant tattoo on a barista when we stopped to fuel up. The tattoo on her arm was small and fairly subtle..."radiate love." Amazing. That's it. What if we just all radiated love? Brave to get it put in a tattoo -although I haven't ruled out the idea. It just could feel hypocritical or like too high of a standard if I am frustrated or angry (as I can get) but I have a "radiate love" tattoo on my arm. I know some of the words that emerge from my mouth can be not so loving. Tattoo or not, I have thought a lot about radiating love since spring. I am more often than not in situations in work or in my personal life where I am uncomfortable lately. And instead of focusing on my own angst or discomfort, I try to remember to simply radiate love. Turn the focus off of me and outward to whomever might need it.
The other day things were off at home. I don't remember the scenario but I do remember Audrey was anxious about a friend situation and overwhelmed about the amount of schoolwork she had. Mason has been navigating his schoolwork, a class at PCC and his college application. My work is a constant source of angst for me - but improving. Things just felt a bit off so after I arrived at work I texted my kids a message that was as much for me as them. "How about we just try to radiate some love today?" Really, the idea of just putting our own stuff in perspective and sharing a little good in the world. I felt better instantly.
I have been trying to get outside more lately. The outdoors recenters me and helps me feel whole and sane....and part of something much greater than myself. Lately, I have been hiking with friends as well as people I don't know well at all. I found myself next to someone on a hike this weekend who seemed much less comfortable than me. I think maybe groups...or people... weren't his thing but he was trying. I remembered what I had been working on and, after a failed conversation attempt, reminded myself to just simply radiate love. I don't know whether people can feel it or not but somehow it makes me feel better. I can still be present with them. See them and acknowledge them but not feel compelled to fill the silence if that's not comfortable for them.
There's a lot of unknown - for me and so many others. There are things we can control and things we can't. But, for this next month, whenever I find myself getting anxious or uncomfortable I am going to try to consciously stop and remember that if nothing else, I can radiate a bit of love. And, if I get REALLY good at it, maybe it will become a tattoo.
