My friend gave me a 90-day gratitude journal when I started my new job. She thought it might be good for me to remember and focus on what I am grateful for during a difficult transition. I had no idea at the time how perceptive this was. Some nights I had to will myself to reach for that journal because I wasn't feeling grateful or loving or positive. I was just feeling incompetent, discouraged and tired. I finished it this week. I have been at my job closer to 120 days so clearly I wasn't successful every night but I am still so glad I saw it through. Each day you have to respond to two of the same questions - "What are you grateful for and why?" As well as "What am I looking forward to tomorrow?" My answers often were are simple as "coffee. I am grateful for coffee. Because I like the taste." As far as what I was looking forward to? Depended on the day but there were a lot of "practicing so I can be better." I haven't felt so incompetent at something for awhile. And because I now work five days a week, this means I had to wake up and go back to it each week day, even in the midst of the overwhelming feelings of discouragement. There might have been some tears, some cursing and some less than admirable behavior.
The third and last question in the gratitude journal was what really got me each night. They were more thought provoking and interesting. Questions such as "Who made you smile in the last 24 hours and why?" and "Describe your favorite sound." I liked the third questions the best and it usually put me in a better frame of mind to end my day. Tuesday the last question really hit me though. I can't stop thinking about it. It brought me to tears and, despite having shed more than a few the past four months, I am generally not brought to tears easily. Something really has to get me before I am reaching for the kleenex. Don't accept this as a challenge.
So, the question Tuesday night? "What makes you beautiful?" At first I thought I had read it wrong. I'm thinking "what do you consider beautiful?" That's much easier to answer - the ocean, my kids..." I reread it. It was definitely "what makes you beautiful?" And in that instance, I started to cry. I have never considered being beautiful and what might make me so. I'm not sure why it brought out such a strong reaction. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I could actually see myself this way. The past four months have brought about an inordinate amount of negative self talk. I generally consider myself a positive person....maybe tending to be too much of a realist and not enough of an optimist at times but, fairly positive nonetheless. And when it comes to cheering on my kids or my friends? I am overwhelmingly positive. My belief in them and their capabilities is endless. But, why not for me? In that moment I realized I was doing myself such a disservice by spending so much time focusing on my limitations and the things that had been going wrong. I know I'm new to this field. I know there is a learning curve. I KNOW THIS. Yet, still, at the end of each day I was thinking about the iv I missed instead of the two that were successful. I focused on how much help I needed instead of how far I have come.
I almost put down the book after reading question 3. It seemed too hard to write what makes me beautiful. It felt hard and boastful and self serving. But, then I realized that was a cop out. How can I encourage my kids to believe in themselves and their strengths and their beauty if I can't do it for myself. So I picked the book up and I thought about it. I didn't write a ton but I wrote. It doesn't matter much what I wrote except that I believe what I put down. When I look at it now, I know the things I put down are true. My ability to listen was on my list. I know this is true. When I beat myself up for missing an iv or not knowing how to do something, I forget, that even though my patient might have been briefly inconvenienced for a period during our time together, that for the most part, my patients feel that I have listened to them and heard what they are telling me. I remember that their grand kids play soccer or their daughter is home from college. I remember that they went on a cruise and ask about their favorite destinations the next time they are in. I ask about their pain and listen to their answer. I know I hear them and I believe most of them know it too.
After completing this exercise I decide for the rest of the week I am going to try SO HARD to focus on what I did well during the day instead of what went wrong. I'm going to remember the traits that make me a good nurse instead of the ones that are a work in progress. And, guess what? The rest of the week was so much better. Not only was I not so discouraged at the end of the day, I was also having more success. I was better at sharing with my kids what was going well. The gratitude journal is now done and I also am recognizing I need to give myself a solid year at this job to feel less like a beginner, but I do feel more grateful. I feel like I am on a better path than I was even a month ago.
So, here's my challenge to you. Write down what makes you beautiful. For some people this is easier than for others. I don't think this is narcissistic. I think it is self care. If you find that you struggle with seeing what makes you beautiful, let me know. I can see it for you until you can see it for yourself.
I went to the dentist last month. I had a hygienist I haven't had before. She looked in my mouth for awhile..too long. I braced myself for what might come next. Then she says "did you know you are a teeth clencher? You are doing a lot of damage in here. You should really consider a night guard while you sleep." Um...no, I didn't know I was a teeth clencher but, and I told her this, I don't find this surprising. I have been a little stressed. We proceeded with the appointment and she gave me the $500 estimate for the night guard. I looked at her and said, "can't I just work on my stress instead? It might be cheaper." She kind of laughed not knowing what to say to me. Thar's okay. Happens to me. I can be a little awkward. I was aware of my stress but not doing much about it. Summer has been so full -camps, new job, golf, colleges, dead car, etc. Just getting by it seems like - which is a phrase I don't like saying or living.
I was forced to slow down and evaluate life this past week when I found myself needing to apologize to two different people I care about for how I had responded to various situations. In both cases, I had been quick to anger and had not respond appropriately, or graciously...at all. Both friends graciously accepted my apologies and, good conversations ensued. That's what I love about the people around me...the willingness to talk through hard feelings and come out more understanding friends on the other side.
These interactions and the teeth clenching, in addition to some other situations this summer, have gotten me to thinking more about my own mental health. Mason ran out and got the paper yesterday morning and we finally had a bit of a slower morning (probably because he was sick. He's not one to slow down much).There was an article about the prevalence of mental health issues in the workplace and how they aren't being addressed properly. I believe the statistic was 1 in 5 people in the United States have a mental health diagnosis. The most common ones, anxiety and depression. I don't find this statistic surprising. In nursing, it is very common for patients to be admitted for a medical diagnosis but they also have a mental health issue on their problem list. I remember enjoying my psych rotation in nursing school but deciding that there is enough psych on regular nursing floors to meet my interest. Another sad reality? There is often at least one individual, if not more, each day being held in the local emergency departments because they came in for suicidal ideation. They can not be released until they have an appropriate safety plan in place which may involve going home or finding a bed at an inpatient psych facility.
So, why do I mention this? Because I know how important mental health is. I know this. I see it in my work and I see it in my life outside of work. I have people close to me that have struggled with depression. I have been told by a trained professional that I have anxiety. I am a functional anxious person. I am not on medication but I do not judge those that are. Everyone has their own story, own path. I do not know if I will need medication in the future. I know for now what I need to do to be healthy and cope well with stressors in my life. And after those two regrettable interactions this past week, I realized I am not doing most of them.
My counselor knows I run to help my stress and anxiety. She suggested I up my mileage this summer. For me, managing stress involves running, hiking, gardening, reading, writing, time with the people I feel most seen and heard by, and some time by myself. My work takes a ton of my emotional and physical energy - a combination of the nature of the job as well as being new to oncology and hematology. So it is even more important right now that I am doing those things that I know recharge me. Everyone has different things that recenter them. Mason seems to be recentered on the golf course. Audrey actually NEEDS to be around people for recharging. This boggles my mind BUT I know it's true for her and others.
So, in hopes of managing my teeth clenching and my stress, I am looking at my calendar and making sure I get more hiking, digging and being quiet back on there. Being healthy mentally is too important to not take it seriously. I tell this to my kids too. I reiterated to both of them this week that I am always here to talk to...about anything. And, if they are uncomfortable talking to me, I can get them connected with other resources. And if they have a friend that needs help..let's talk about it. It is too important. So here's to keeping friendships intact and staying away from night guards.
