More peace and less regret

To regret (verb) 1. feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity). dictionary.com

I have been thinking about this word a lot this past month. We have had a higher than average number of patients on comfort care/hospice at work. A few have died at the hospital while others have left to finish their journey at home or a care facility. I have been the nurse for a couple of them. I consider it a blessing to be able to care for someone at the end of their journey. It can be a sacred experience and I try to do what I can to make them more comfortable as their physical time on earth comes to a conclusion.

I have thought a lot recently about what that would be like to be at the end of the journey - how would I feel about my time here? Would I wish I had done more? Said more? Erased certain times? Do I have regrets? I believe the honest answer is no. I hope I have decades more to explore, love, laugh and live. There is a lot I would still like to do, see and say. But, it is refreshing to realize that I don't feel regret.

To regret something would mean I would wish it hadn't happened. And I have my moments. But this is not a way I want to live. I believe that every decision I have made, path I have traveled, has lead me to here. And here is pretty good. Have I made mistakes? Definitely. I make them probably daily. But, if I am paying attention, I learn from the mistakes. They usually make me better. My kids know I screw up ALL.THE.TIME. I was hanging the Christmas lights and putting in garage shelves last weekend. Tears, swearing, sweating and do overs were involved. I still got it done. Hopefully seeing this reminds them that they are free to make mistakes too. Life is too hard to try to be perfect. I believe I have apologized for the wrongs I have done when I am aware of them. I am not afraid to say I am sorry when I have made a mistake. I think that, in part, keeps me from regret.

I didn't become a nurse until I was 39. Do I regret not doing this earlier? Absolutely not. I needed to grow, learn and age before I was ready to be a nurse. I was not prepared to see the blood, phlegm, sadness and crazy that I now see regularly. Another bonus: I saved my back for decades which is good since I will likely have to work until I am 80. Some people are ready to be nurses at 22. I was not. 39 was just right for me.

I am working hard to live in the now. It doesn't always come naturally to me. I can mull things over too long instead of letting them go. I am also a planner - always trying to be ready for what happens next. The patients this month have reminded me to live in the here and now. When I am truly present, I can find the pure joy in a face time conversation with a friend that has me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I can find joy in waking up to a text after a hard work day telling me to pull out my sparkly headband for work and that my Starbucks will be delivered to me.

Living in the now makes me appreciate the dinner time conversations with my kids that you can only have with teenagers. I have a whole new vocabulary - although when I tried it out on them a few days later they were HORRIFIED. It was great fun. I can look at my sweet Christmas tree in my new house and love it knowing that Mason worked for a looooonnnng time whittling the trunk to try to get it in the stand. It smells amazing, has beautiful lights and ornaments and is perfect.

Living in the now allows me to enjoy the way up Dog Mountain even though it was cold and steep. We had to do the steep to conquer the top. I wouldn't have enjoyed sitting in front of the fire at the end of the night if I hadn't worked so hard each step of the way.

There is no good end game with regret. Instead of regretting things that have happened I have learned to appreciate that they have been a part of who and where I am. Today I will find joy in today. And I am grateful for the patients I have met this month that reminded me to appreciate the journey.