I look like a lobster. It's true. My face is beet red and starting to peel. I am on day four. I would love to have an exotic story about how this came to be. I have thought of a few scenarios - skiing in Colorado in the sunshine and wind or lying on a beach in Mexico, drinking a margarita and falling asleep with a book in hand. That would make the current look worth it. The truth is far less glamorous and is more along the lines of 30 minutes in the dermatologists' office under a bright light that fried my skin in hopes of taking away precancerous spots on my face and buying me more time in between their growth and development.
My dermatologist had brought up this photo therapy before as an option but I wasn't really interested until I realized I had met my deductible and was tiring of the regular freezing off of precancerous spots. So I agreed and scheduled it when I had a few days off in case I looked a bit red. I was not prepared for what I actually look like - or that I would still look like this four days later. Just the rule of staying inside for 48 hours was hard enough but then when my house arrest was up, I realized I wasn't too excited to go outside considering my current look. The only time the past few days that I have not been uncomfortable is when I am outside running in the dark and the cold air is hitting my face.
Today when I got up I really debated whether or not to go to church with the kids. My face is still pretty dramatic. I am not one super excited about drawing attention to myself. I even told the kids I wasn't sure I was going to go because I was self conscious about my peeling, red skin. Then I heard myself and realized the ridiculousness of what I was saying. We were getting ready for church. Church. I know different people have varying reactions and experiences with church. With all the life changes this past year I haven't always found it to be the most comfortable place for me to be. But, the premise of church, is a gathering place to worship God...A God who I know loves me, lobster face and all. A God who never would have sent His only son to live on this earth if we were all perfect. A God who sees ALL my imperfections and loves me anyway. If I choose not to go to church because of my self consciousness over my red face, what am I saying to my kids? We should only go when we are feeling and looking good? That is actually the exact opposite of the message I want to send. God sees and loves the broken. He KNOWS I am not perfect. So....I got myself dressed, slapped three pounds of lotion on my face and went to church. I am too imperfect to even try to pretend I am perfect any more. It's too tiring and not honest.
I have had a lot of time to think the past few days. This face experience is really a fitting way to end this messy, sometimes uncomfortable year. There has been pain, self examination, kindness and healing this year. I have not always felt like getting out of bed and going outside to face the world, even before I looked like a lobster. But you have to keep showing up...even when you are red, peely and uncomfortable. Merry Christmas. And may we all find more kindness, love and truth in the new year.
To regret (verb) 1. feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity). dictionary.com
I have been thinking about this word a lot this past month. We have had a higher than average number of patients on comfort care/hospice at work. A few have died at the hospital while others have left to finish their journey at home or a care facility. I have been the nurse for a couple of them. I consider it a blessing to be able to care for someone at the end of their journey. It can be a sacred experience and I try to do what I can to make them more comfortable as their physical time on earth comes to a conclusion.
I have thought a lot recently about what that would be like to be at the end of the journey - how would I feel about my time here? Would I wish I had done more? Said more? Erased certain times? Do I have regrets? I believe the honest answer is no. I hope I have decades more to explore, love, laugh and live. There is a lot I would still like to do, see and say. But, it is refreshing to realize that I don't feel regret.
To regret something would mean I would wish it hadn't happened. And I have my moments. But this is not a way I want to live. I believe that every decision I have made, path I have traveled, has lead me to here. And here is pretty good. Have I made mistakes? Definitely. I make them probably daily. But, if I am paying attention, I learn from the mistakes. They usually make me better. My kids know I screw up ALL.THE.TIME. I was hanging the Christmas lights and putting in garage shelves last weekend. Tears, swearing, sweating and do overs were involved. I still got it done. Hopefully seeing this reminds them that they are free to make mistakes too. Life is too hard to try to be perfect. I believe I have apologized for the wrongs I have done when I am aware of them. I am not afraid to say I am sorry when I have made a mistake. I think that, in part, keeps me from regret.
I didn't become a nurse until I was 39. Do I regret not doing this earlier? Absolutely not. I needed to grow, learn and age before I was ready to be a nurse. I was not prepared to see the blood, phlegm, sadness and crazy that I now see regularly. Another bonus: I saved my back for decades which is good since I will likely have to work until I am 80. Some people are ready to be nurses at 22. I was not. 39 was just right for me.
I am working hard to live in the now. It doesn't always come naturally to me. I can mull things over too long instead of letting them go. I am also a planner - always trying to be ready for what happens next. The patients this month have reminded me to live in the here and now. When I am truly present, I can find the pure joy in a face time conversation with a friend that has me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I can find joy in waking up to a text after a hard work day telling me to pull out my sparkly headband for work and that my Starbucks will be delivered to me.
Living in the now makes me appreciate the dinner time conversations with my kids that you can only have with teenagers. I have a whole new vocabulary - although when I tried it out on them a few days later they were HORRIFIED. It was great fun. I can look at my sweet Christmas tree in my new house and love it knowing that Mason worked for a looooonnnng time whittling the trunk to try to get it in the stand. It smells amazing, has beautiful lights and ornaments and is perfect.
Living in the now allows me to enjoy the way up Dog Mountain even though it was cold and steep. We had to do the steep to conquer the top. I wouldn't have enjoyed sitting in front of the fire at the end of the night if I hadn't worked so hard each step of the way.
There is no good end game with regret. Instead of regretting things that have happened I have learned to appreciate that they have been a part of who and where I am. Today I will find joy in today. And I am grateful for the patients I have met this month that reminded me to appreciate the journey.
