Remembering I matter

I was just headed off my unit at the hospital on the last day I worked when the HUC (health unit coordinator) called after me. She asked if I would help one of the patients back to bed before I left. It's hard to find anyone to help at shift change because everyone is busy getting or receiving report from the other staff. After 13 hours, 10 more minutes wasn't really going to matter so I agreed and headed to the patients' room. I had not been his direct care nurse that day but I had interacted with him briefly. When I walked in to help him from the bathroom back to bed he immediately started ranting about how he had been waiting for someone to help him. I proceeded to help him as the rant continued - and then it turned personal. I listened for 10 minutes as he told me what an awful person I was, insensitive and self important. I was a captive audience because he was definitely a fall risk and there was no way I could just leave him before he was safely back to bed. After a few minutes I told him I had enough of the personal insults but that just increased his anger. He continued on as I safely got him back to bed, set the bed alarm, and walked out. I would like to say all his insults rolled off of me and it didn't impact my day in the least. That would be a lie. All I can say is that I made it to my car before the tears started. He would have most likely said the exact same thing to anyone else who entered the room but the way I am wired, I have a hard time not taking words to heart. Something I am working on.

A similar lesson I have been learning this year is that I also take lack of words to heart. I follow word porn on social media and I swear whom ever does those posts lives inside my head. Almost everything I read from them I find myself nodding. I read this one the other day:

"You're allowed to be picky when it comes to the people you let into your mental and physical space. You're allowed to conserve your time and energy only for the people who reciprocate. Because you deserve to feel seen and heard and cared for. You deserve relationships that make you feel fulfilled and connected." - Daniell Koepke

There- I was nodding again. I TOTALLY believe this but I don't always put it into practice. Sometimes, for a moment, I forget that I matter just as much as the other person in a friendship. I have been told I am a good listener. I think it's true. But sometimes this gets me into trouble. Being an introvert and a good listener, I can get so involved with listening to someone's story that I get lost. I forget to reciprocate and share mine. Then sometimes I notice that they aren't asking about me anyway. I have started paying more attention. My job involves A LOT of people. Often I feel drained after a couple of shifts and need some time and space. Parenting also can leave me a bit drained. So, I am working on making sure the people I chose to spend my time with are people where the friendship is balanced. They care about how I am, just as much as sharing with me their well being. There are always seasons where the balance may be a bit off depending on what is going on, but as a whole, the people who I want to spend my time with treat me like I matter and hopefully I do the same for them. It's a hard lesson. I have had to distance myself from people in the past because I felt it was too one-sided. I imagine there are people that have done the same to me. But, when it works, when you find the people who reciprocate and have a balance, you know you have something good. Those are my people.

It's easy to get lost in the busyness of jobs, kids, household stuff and to forget that we are important. We matter. What we need and like to do is just as important as what the kids want to do. I have on my schedule a sunrise paddle board coming up with a friend. I am taking another friend as my date to a wedding. I only know the bride. My friend doesn't know anyone but me. I know we will have a blast anyway. She doesn't live in town so I take all the time with her I can get. She is one of my people. She sees me and loves me anyway. I could easily have said no to both these opportunities because it involved trading shifts at work and some coordination. But then I remember, I matter. I need the time to connect with my people. The people who reciprocate. Because when I do, it makes the exchanges like the one I had with the angry patient, possible. It gives me reserves to remember I am important and people love me so maybe next time, when someone who doesn't really know me tells me what an awful human being I am, I won't be affected at all.

And because I love word porn so much, one last related quote. "Find your tribe. Love them hard."