Remembering I matter

I was just headed off my unit at the hospital on the last day I worked when the HUC (health unit coordinator) called after me. She asked if I would help one of the patients back to bed before I left. It's hard to find anyone to help at shift change because everyone is busy getting or receiving report from the other staff. After 13 hours, 10 more minutes wasn't really going to matter so I agreed and headed to the patients' room. I had not been his direct care nurse that day but I had interacted with him briefly. When I walked in to help him from the bathroom back to bed he immediately started ranting about how he had been waiting for someone to help him. I proceeded to help him as the rant continued - and then it turned personal. I listened for 10 minutes as he told me what an awful person I was, insensitive and self important. I was a captive audience because he was definitely a fall risk and there was no way I could just leave him before he was safely back to bed. After a few minutes I told him I had enough of the personal insults but that just increased his anger. He continued on as I safely got him back to bed, set the bed alarm, and walked out. I would like to say all his insults rolled off of me and it didn't impact my day in the least. That would be a lie. All I can say is that I made it to my car before the tears started. He would have most likely said the exact same thing to anyone else who entered the room but the way I am wired, I have a hard time not taking words to heart. Something I am working on.

A similar lesson I have been learning this year is that I also take lack of words to heart. I follow word porn on social media and I swear whom ever does those posts lives inside my head. Almost everything I read from them I find myself nodding. I read this one the other day:

"You're allowed to be picky when it comes to the people you let into your mental and physical space. You're allowed to conserve your time and energy only for the people who reciprocate. Because you deserve to feel seen and heard and cared for. You deserve relationships that make you feel fulfilled and connected." - Daniell Koepke

There- I was nodding again. I TOTALLY believe this but I don't always put it into practice. Sometimes, for a moment, I forget that I matter just as much as the other person in a friendship. I have been told I am a good listener. I think it's true. But sometimes this gets me into trouble. Being an introvert and a good listener, I can get so involved with listening to someone's story that I get lost. I forget to reciprocate and share mine. Then sometimes I notice that they aren't asking about me anyway. I have started paying more attention. My job involves A LOT of people. Often I feel drained after a couple of shifts and need some time and space. Parenting also can leave me a bit drained. So, I am working on making sure the people I chose to spend my time with are people where the friendship is balanced. They care about how I am, just as much as sharing with me their well being. There are always seasons where the balance may be a bit off depending on what is going on, but as a whole, the people who I want to spend my time with treat me like I matter and hopefully I do the same for them. It's a hard lesson. I have had to distance myself from people in the past because I felt it was too one-sided. I imagine there are people that have done the same to me. But, when it works, when you find the people who reciprocate and have a balance, you know you have something good. Those are my people.

It's easy to get lost in the busyness of jobs, kids, household stuff and to forget that we are important. We matter. What we need and like to do is just as important as what the kids want to do. I have on my schedule a sunrise paddle board coming up with a friend. I am taking another friend as my date to a wedding. I only know the bride. My friend doesn't know anyone but me. I know we will have a blast anyway. She doesn't live in town so I take all the time with her I can get. She is one of my people. She sees me and loves me anyway. I could easily have said no to both these opportunities because it involved trading shifts at work and some coordination. But then I remember, I matter. I need the time to connect with my people. The people who reciprocate. Because when I do, it makes the exchanges like the one I had with the angry patient, possible. It gives me reserves to remember I am important and people love me so maybe next time, when someone who doesn't really know me tells me what an awful human being I am, I won't be affected at all.

And because I love word porn so much, one last related quote. "Find your tribe. Love them hard."

My beautiful, kind Audrey

I was talking about Audrey a few weeks back and a coworker said in surprise, "You have a daughter? I thought you only had a son." Ouch. I felt like she had punched me in the gut. She was genuinely surprised and did not mean her statement to hurt. Clearly we aren't that close or she would have known about Audrey but it definitely got me to thinking. I don't want either of my kids to feel less important than the other or that they get more of my time and attention. This year was Mason's first year of high school and high school golf was a regular event for the two of us during spring. I know I talked about both quite a bit.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I probably don't talk or share as much openly about Audrey right now. Audrey turns 13 this month. If you have ever been a teenage girl, you will appreciate what a tenuous time it is. Things can be especially dicey with your parents. I was a good kid. I was (still am) a rule follower and didn't give my parents much to worry about....except when I was in middle school. I became friends for a brief time with rule breakers, pushed the limits more than I had before and wasn't the kind, thoughtful kid that my parents thought they had. It was a brief period. I think I grew out of it mostly by the time I was 14 but, I am sure in the interim, I caused my parents some stress.

I can't speak to what it is like to be a pre-teen/teenage boy but I KNOW it's hard to be a girl of this age. Pressure to fit in, dress a certain way, look a certain way, have certain friends, declare yourself in a sport, etc. etc. As if the pressure wasn't enough, you get to see on social media EVERY DAY the activities that you aren't being included in. I venture to say that it is even harder to be a teenage girl now than it was when I was young.

I do talk to some people about Audrey in depth - but these tend to be the friends that also have girls at this age. We share stories, suggestions, tips. They get it when I am at work and call home to find out that Audrey may or may not be at the mall with a girl I don't really know and parents I have never met. They let me freak out for a minute and give me some space to get it all sorted out before I lose my marbles. These friends know that your teenage girl can love you one minute and think you are a close relative of the devil the next. It's like a secret society - those of us parenting teenage girls. Outsiders see our kids as angels - and they are - to everyone that doesn't share the same last name. But, we know (hopefully) it is just a passing phase. There is so much pressure at school and in the world. They put on their brave face every morning to go out and face these pressures and it takes all of their kindness and braveness to stay afloat. When they get home, to their safe place and people, they are sometimes exhausted. The kindness may be momentarily lost.

I get it even if I don't always like it. I am glad my kids are kind, caring and loving people out in this world. We need more. I also get that when they come home and feel safe and loved and let their guard down, they might snarl and be less than delightful. This age is HARD. I get frustrated but I am trying to give grace. And when I don't give grace and snarl back, I ask for grace.

SO, yes, I have two remarkable kids whom I adore. I might talk about one more at times than the other but not because I am partial to one. I love them both more than life itself and appreciate that as they grow up, some phases of their life are more for sharing than others and I am trying to honor that.