Do you really want to know?

I just got back from the grocery store. I'm not a huge fan of ANY type of shopping but find the family starts to complain when we are out of such things as say...milk. And, being out of bananas is pretty much a crisis for Mason since he eats at least two a day. So, I went. It was fine...until the nice, young checker asked me what I had going on the rest of the day. I know...it's his job to be friendly and engage in conversation but why does this question make me feel bad about what I really have going on the rest of the day? I feel like I quickly need to think of something amazing to say. I'm going ROCK CLIMBING or SNOWSHOEING or maybe going to a soup kitchen to provide meals to the needy. But, I'm not. I'm going home, unloading my groceries, starting on my taxes and hanging out with my dog. That's the reality. I think I just left it as "nothing too exciting" but I did leave feeling bad about my plans.

You know why I don't get the Dutch Bros. craze? Well, for one, I am not a huge fan of their coffee. I know some people will take offense, but, not my taste. The other reason? I don't want a perky teenager walking up to my car window and, in addition to taking my order, asking me what I'm up to. Is my introverted nature shining through? Again, I feel like I have to have an amazing response. My favorite coffee shop? Symposium in Sherwood. I love the coffee and, usually, instead of asking me what I have going on the rest of the day, they will either not make small talk or I learn something random. Today the barista asked me if I knew the definition of a cephalopod. I couldn't remember (an active predatory mollusk, such as an octopus, for those interested) but that's my kind of conversation. We then talked about biology, I learned that his sister is an RN and he dislikes science, they handed me my beautifully designed mocha, and sent me on my way. Perfect.

I know I have mentioned before that small talk really isn't my thing. I would rather talk to you about how your day is really going than the rain. I try not to ask someone how they are unless I am really prepared for them to not just say "fine" but instead tell me about a health ailment or personal concern. If I'm asking you, feel free to unload. Really. Or test my knowledge on the animal kingdom. 

I understand that my feeling bad that I didn't have something exciting going on this afternoon is my issue. I get that. The friendly checker was just doing his job. That's why I spared him any commentary. I don't know why I have this need to feel interesting and impressive. Quite frankly, my quiet day is exactly what I needed. I was left a little emotionally bruised from work this week. Between an unexpected patient outcome,verbal insults and some condescension, I need a quiet afternoon doing uninteresting things with Annie at my feet. The words sent my way at work weren't personal - I know this in my head. The people speaking them do not know me. They would have shared their unhappiness with anyone in their path at the time..it just happened to be me. 

Here's the thing I have learned about my extra sensitive, extra feeling self....I take the words personally anyway no matter how hard I try. So, I usually need a little bit of time to right myself before jumping in again. I just need to remind myself that it's okay. Everyone has different things that they need and if mine is doing taxes while listening to Adam Levine, then so be it.

I am going to come up with some brilliant response to "what do you have going on the rest of the afternoon?" at some point or I am just going to feel great about saying "nothing". Maybe the next time I get asked, I will just start talking about cephalopods....my new favorite word.

The Messy Middle

I know I have written about middle school before. How can I not? It's a confusing, awkward, nearly inexplicable time for kids and parents AND I have two right in the thick of it. Every day is proving to be an adventure. I have seen many posts recently including a few good articles about middle school like this one.....http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/kids-parenting/middle-school-worst-age-study. Someone actually did a study that shows that mothers of middle schoolers are more stressed and depressed than mothers of any other age kids. I don't know if I feel more stressed or depressed but I think I will take the articles' advice and practice more self care. I am all for more massages in my future. But parents that haven't gotten to this age yet, take heart. Truth be told that as crazy, emotional and confounding as my kids may be at times, I still LIKE them the majority of the time. I think they are good, goofy people who, on occasion, will still hang out with me. We laugh, a lot, in between the battles and the tears.

Today I have an unexpected day off. Census is low at work so they put me on standby. When I woke Audrey up for school this morning, she was thrilled to hear I was off. Funny because she has to go to school but she does have early release and I think she likes the idea that I may still be off when she gets home today. She was actually excited about the idea of spending time with me (or she wants to go to the Container Store this afternoon and this is her in). This coming from the girl who stomps up the stairs, slams her door and will tell me that I totally don't get it on any other given day. In his own way, Mason seemed glad to see me still around as well. He just expresses it more through grunting than actual words.

The stakes are higher and the pressures greater with kids in middle school. Our conversations are no longer about play dates but dating. Yikes. We talk A LOT about electronic usage, friendships and respect. BUT, in the midst of all the seriousness and hormones, they are still kids and goofballs. They both just wrapped up a drug section in health. I was quizzing them as they prepared for their assessments. Mason told me that he got one wrong on his quiz because he listed "cocaine" as a gateway drug. Ummm....once you have hit cocaine you have pretty much blown past the gate. Yep, we had a lighthearted discussion about cocaine. Who would have thought? He tried to convince me that caffeine might be a gateway drug but I assured him that my 20+ years of caffeine addiction have only lead to more caffeine. 

We have good discussions. They are still talking to me. I try to make nothing off limits. I hope this never changes. I was never great at the toddler stage. I like being able to have conversations and reason with my kids - when they are willing to be reasonable, which isn't always. Just the other day Mason was giving me some serious attitude and I called him a smart ass. I did. My mind said "aleck" but my mouth said ass. Not my best moment. I definitely have times where I don't think enough before I speak. Audrey instantly burst into tears because I had used a bad word AND it was directed towards Mason. Meanwhile, Mason just looked really, really surprised. Here's the thing though. They are at an age where I could talk to them about how I screwed up. I was wrong to swear and apologized. We had a good talk and I am going to do my best to not call him a smart ass any time in the near future.

I will always love my kids. Most days, even in these middle school years, I like them too. Truly. We have our moments and I am always on guard when they walk through the door. I am never sure what might be coming at me, but they are a hoot. They keep me laughing and I love (mostly) the people they are evolving into. Mason told me how in class this week he was at his instructors' desk and looked out at the window that faces the track. He saw a PE class running a lap and noticed that one kid was significantly beating the rest...so, he says out loud "hey, that looks kind of like Audrey." Then he realizes it IS Audrey. He calls his friends over and they all watch her finish first. THIS. For all the emotional, frustrating, confusing moments, I still get these moments and they make it all worth it.