Words, Words, Words

Exhaustion and HIPPA have kept me from writing much lately. To sum up my last few months in the hospital: I have seen alcohol withdrawal, death, repeat customers, multiple strokes, bipolar and, most importantly, healing…and I am better for experiencing all of it.

Ah, summer…

AH!!!!! SUMMER!!!!!!

I can say the above both ways…in the same hour. There are definitely parts of summer I love. I love the warmer weather, the water, not having to be anywhere first thing in the morning, ice cream, bike rides and strawberries. There are also definitely parts of summer I don’t love. I am not as fond of kids who say they are bored, the fighting, the constant togetherness and the increased lack of sleep working the night shift.

Kids are at day camp this week so, summer is going pretty well so far. This is the only  camp they have planned all summer so in the midst of working, running errands and doing yard work, I am trying to soak in the quiet and the fact that nobody is asking me what we are going to do next. I am trying to store up some reserves for the next couple of months. If only it worked like that…

If I am honest, the past couple of months haven’t been my favorite. I am feeling increasingly isolated working the night shift with no end in sight, some relationships feel a bit strained, I have awesome styes on my eyes and my middle schooler has a new attitude that I could do without. I KNOW things could be worse. We are all healthy (well, except for the styes but that doesn’t qualify as much more than ugly) and blessed. I know all this.. but if I am being HONEST, life seems a bit muddy at the moment.

I attribute A LOT to working the night shift and living in a bit of a fog. I imagine I will be in for a bit of a shock when I move to a day shift and learn that some of my issues remain – like that mouth on my middle schooler is probably not shift related. It feels a little bit like living on hold….Living on hold with some annoying, Barry Manilow slowed down hold music.

Then I realized this holding pattern must be a bit like how my patient’s feel. Many of them have a long recovery ahead of them. Often I am asked from a stroke patient’s family if normalcy will return, and I can’t honestly answer. For some, they may recover completely. Strength may return to all their extremities, their memory and speech may improve and they may be as good as new. For others, they still may never speak again, they may need assistance with mobility for the rest of their lives, and they may never be quite the same. It takes time to see which symptoms improve, resolve or remain. How frustrating that must be. 

The not being able to speak one gets me every time. I had a patient recently where this was one of her issues. I was trying to explain it to my kids last night and I don’t think they could quite grasp it. For some stroke patients, the words just don’t come. They can’t say what they want to say. Even worse, for some, they can’t even think of the right words to say let alone get them out. How frustrating that would be. Or would it? If you don’t know the right words, do you experience frustration in not being able to say them? I get frustrated when I feel like I am saying the right words but am not understood (sometimes a daily occurrence around here with the kids) so I have to imagine when you are lying in a hospital bed and unable to communicate, that must be excruciating. 

Words are so powerful. More powerful than we know. Audrey and I were talking about this the other day. She told me something she relayed to a friend – something about the size of her head. I was horrified. It is hard to think of how someone telling you that you have a big head (literally) could be a compliment. Audrey is generally super sensitive and, with the exception of her brother, doesn’t try to hurt feelings. I was so surprised that she would tell her friend this but, to her credit, she really hadn’t seen it as a negative - more as a fact. I think she genuinely felt bad that she had said something that could be construed as hurtful.

I love words. Really. Love. Them. Much to my quiet husband’s dismay. When I use so many of them, I need to be extra diligent at being more careful with them. Something to work on during all this together time this summer when I am sure that I may often be compelled to use some less than flattering four letter words. If they happen to eek out, I am just going to blame it on the night shift.