Muddling on

I feel incredibly blessed. A few very good friends willingly (fairly) joined me in the Warrior Dash to celebrate my upcoming 40^th birthday. It takes a pretty good friend to slog through a lake, jump over fire and crawl under barbed wire. It was hilarious. Hard to take yourself to seriously when you are waist deep in mud. To top it off, those same warriors, as well as a group of very awesome friends and family, gathered to finish celebrating with me. I still don’t turn 40 for a few weeks but they were game to come join me and toast 4 decades of life.

When we originally decided to celebrate my 40^th in September instead of on my actual birthday, it felt a little like cheating. I did it for a variety of reasons but mostly because the Warrior Dash was yesterday and I thought by having the party on that day, I might be able to get a few more Warriors to join me in the mud. I had no idea when we set the date how much I would need the love and support I found in the midst of the celebration.

The morning before the Warrior Dash was one of the worst mornings I have had as a nurse. A man died unexpectedly on my unit Saturday morning. We have patients die occasionally on our unit – but most of the time they are patients that are on comfort care (similar to hospice) and it isn’t as surprising when they pass. This patient wasn’t even a stroke patient. I am not sure what went wrong for this patient but I was the one who found him unresponsive. Initially I thought he was just resting and in a very deep sleep. It took several minutes to realize something had really gone wrong for this patient. It ended up being quite a traumatic experience and I don’t want to go into detail. It was painful for everyone involved. I thought of this man all Saturday. I went to bed thinking about him…Wondering if I could have done more...Wondering if I am strong enough to go through this again - because as a nurse, I know I will. I ache for his family who I am sure is in shock.

What a contrast to be experiencing doubt and sadness on Saturday to slogging through the mud and jumping over fire on Sunday. Laughing, running, crawling and sliding made me realize how grateful I am to be alive and healthy. How lucky I am to have such good friends. It reassured me that I am okay. I have picked a profession that will come with sadness and some doubt but the rewards are worth it. The experience was terrible on Saturday but I do love my job. There is more to be done - more life to live, more patients to meet. I won’t always be able to follow up a sad experience with so much love and support as I experienced this weekend but I know it is there when I need it. I will take a lot away from Saturday’s experience and hopefully it will make me a better nurse. It is striking to me how in just 48 hours I experienced just about every emotion humanly possible but I am out the other side feeling amazingly blessed.