Mirror, Mirror

I had a startling realization this week. It is easier for me to have patience for my patients than for my own family. At first glance this may seem like small news but think about it…some of my patients have odd habits and questionable hygiene practices. The majority of my patients are kind and lovely but I do have some that are grumpy, demanding and occasionally shout obscenities. I have more patience for ALL OF THEM than I do for my own kids. Wow. 

I was pondering this while running. Sometimes my best thoughts come when I am running. I can solve a lot of problems while running because I am trying to think about anything besides how hard it is to run. So, on this particularly warm, lovely day, I took to the streets and tried to figure out why I am calmer and kinder to ornery, painful adults than to these two cuties…

…And I came to this conclusion. Sometimes these sweet, innocent little people can reflect back to me the less than beautiful aspects of my own personality. THIS IS HARD. 

Mason’s been having a hard time sleeping lately.  The kids were finally in bed the other night and Mason was “supposed” to be asleep. The kid doesn’t sleep much. He is like the energizer bunny. Yes, we have blackout shades, he doesn’t have toys in his room, I have read “Healthy Sleep, Happy Child” etc., etc. He just doesn’t sleep much. About 30 minutes after he was done reading he came out and said he couldn’t fall asleep. I went upstairs and yelled, yes yelled at him to go to bed. That’s a nice way to calm someone down, isn’t it? Sleep deprived myself from three night shifts in a row, I couldn’t hack it. All I wanted was an hour of peace before turning in. As you can imagine, the yelling lullaby did not put him to sleep. Knowing my limits (for once) I sent Michael upstairs. At first he thought about using my same tactic but fortunately his patience kicked in and he helped calm Mason down. 

I say the wrong thing a lot to Mason. He is an intense, energetic kid who likes to be right. He knows how to make me mad and he has even admitted on occasion that he likes to do it. I know I am supposed to walk away but mostly, I find that I can’t. I know. I am the grown-up. I just don’t always act like it. Then it struck me… I have several of those personality traits of Mason’s that make me crazy. I like to do three or four things at one time. I am constantly moving. I like to be right. Some may even say I am a bit neurotic (just usually not to my face). Sometimes it is hard for me to settle down. Oh. Yikes. So, I get frustrated with Mason when he exhibits less than admirable traits that we share. Ouch.

It’s different with Audrey. Audrey likes her sleep, is okay doing one thing at a time and is much more comfortable if life moves along slowly. What unnerves Audrey is change and the unknown. She can be a pretty anxious kid. School has been hard although we now seem to be settling in a bit. Events like holiday parties, field trips and substitutes are hard and sometimes they make her cry. As her mom, this is really hard to watch. It makes my heart break for her when she worries…and sometimes I get frustrated that because things can be hard she is resistant to try new things. And then I make my next realization. I am like this. I don’t like change or new things. I don’t like going places where I don’t know many people. I don’t like showing up for work and finding out things are different than I expected. I don’t always like meeting new people. I like my comfortable friends and the known. Oh. Ouch.

So, as I ran through the sunshine I was confronted with the realization that I think sometimes I have less patience for my kids than for strangers because they remind me of traits I have that are not always so great. They can be like little mirrors and it isn’t always easy to see. My patients at work? Those are strangers. I won’t have long term relationships with the majority of them. When they are grouchy or unkind, I know that I didn’t contribute to any baggage they may be carrying around. I am in no way responsible for the years of therapy they may need to endure. I can care for them, try to ease their way, and then they move on.

I hope the next time Mason comes out of his room because he can’t sleep or Audrey resists trying a new sport I can stop, take a deep breath, and realize that we are ALL going to be okay. I hope I can find some of that patience that seems to be in abundant supply at work. And, if I don’t? Maybe another run is in order.