New Year’s Resolutions I Can Keep

As I have mentioned in the past, I am not much of a resolution-maker. I find everyday life challenging enough – I don’t need to be beating myself up over the 5 lbs I promised to take off my thighs or the broccoli that should be finding its way to my plate more often. I also don’t want to be left out of the hype – “2013, A New and Better You.” I want to be an improved version of myself. Who doesn’t? So, just so I don’t feel left out in the cold, here is my list of resolutions that will be pretty difficult to break:

• Drink more coffee. I already drink a lot but since I don’t see an end to the night shift, I am going to drink more. Buy up on Starbucks stock. I bet I can make it rise.
  
• Eat more brussels sprouts than last year. This shouldn’t be hard since I didn’t have one single brussels sprouts this year. I am pretty sure I can at least manage one especially since I have a bag of them in my freezer. The bag has been there for six months but how much can they change? I didn't even know they had a "s" after brussel in their name. I eat them so infrequently I don't even know their proper name.
  
• Visit the bookstore. I love bookstores. Nothing beats a cup of coffee and browsing the aisles of all those books waiting to be read. A new Barnes and Noble just opened not far from me. It has a Starbucks. I think I will be quite happy there. I know Barnes and Noble has nothing on Powell’s but it is closer so it will have to do.
  
• Be called a name I have never been called before. This one is a bit out of my hands but since I was called unimaginable names this year and a patient even tried to take a swing at me this week, I am pretty sure this one is in the bag.
  
• Run in a mud run. There was a groupon for the Warrior Dash and I bought it. I am too cheap to buy it and not run so done deal. Oddly, I remember throwing myself over a log in a muddy river thinking “I can check this off my list” and yet I signed up again…
  
• Hang upside down. You get a new perspective on life when you are upside down. I find handstands too hard any more. I would prefer to carry out this resolution on a roller coaster but, in case I don’t find one, the monkey bars at the kid’s school will do. At least once.
  
• Stop being so hard on myself. Life’s short. I need to stop stressing over the small stuff – like the fact that sometimes my son goes to school with pants on that are frayed and have holes because the laundry hasn’t been done for a week. He doesn’t notice so why should I care?

I think that about wraps it up. I feel good about this list. I see enough midnights on a regular basis so I think I will celebrate New Year’s Eastern Time. Happy New Year.

The Other List

Happy Thanksgiving! As I have been talking to friends this past week I am reminded that the holidays and time with family can bring out the good but also the challenging aspects of family relationships. I am feeling a little out of sorts this holiday. While I am so grateful for the friends and family that will be joining us tomorrow at our house to celebrate Thanksgiving, I am also a bit sad about those that will be missing. Due to complicated family dynamics not all of my people will be present and it has me feeling a bit off. 

In light of this, I decided to make the less than traditional list of things I am thankful for this holiday season. Not to be irreverent – I am indeed very thankful for my family and friends this season as well as our health and gainful employment. I don’t take any of these things for granted. But, I am also thankful for the following people/things that often don’t get their due…

1.    School bus drivers. These amazing people drive 30-40 unruly, unbuckled kids to and from school each day and I am sure don’t get compensated nearly enough. They buy me 15 extra minutes of sleep each day.

2.    The heated seats in my new car. Seriously. Michael has asked me not to turn it on when I am driving home from work because it increases my drowsiness but…I …can’t…help…myself.

3.    Peppermint mochas and the awesome baristas who find the delicate balance between just enough and too much peppermint. It can turn a cup of coffee from liquid joy to feeling like you have just been to the dentist.

4.    Closely followed by good friends who bring you the perfect peppermint mocha…just because.

5.    Whoever made those diagrams of how to set a fancy table. I only do it once a year so I forget every time. That diagram is just for me.

6.    Happy hour because every so often, you need a happy hour.

7.    My patients who don’t try to hit, scratch or bite me – they are actually the majority and for this, I am thankful.

8.    Yams. I know most of you don’t like them but I do. I also like cranberry sauce – not the kind that still has the rings from the can on it. The real stuff.

9.    Melatonin. Not just for me but for my son who thinks sleep is evil.

10.  Ellen Degeneres. If ever I am feeling blue, I just DVR Ellen. That lady can make me laugh until I hiccup.

11. Books. The real, non-electronic kind. Nothing beats reading a good book and turning the pages. The real pages.

May you be surrounded this Thanksgiving with people you love and be reminded of the things you are thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving.

Sticks and Stones

I have been called lots of different things – type A, uptight, relentless, neurotic…and some nicer names – thoughtful, caring, kind. Until last week, child of the devil was never on this list.

Rest assured, I wasn’t at home – I was at work. I arrived a few minutes early and was organizing myself before receiving report from the outgoing nurse. I heard my patient before I saw her. She was yelling from her room – asking for people that I figured weren’t there. I sensed she was going to be my patient even before I checked the room number. I just had a hunch that my number was up.

In report I learned that this wasn’t her typical behavior. She appeared to be having a medication reaction – complete with hallucinations, agitation and just general mean behavior. Awesome. Always up for a challenge, I was hopeful that the night would go smoothly.

It didn’t. When I returned to her room after receiving report, she was praying/chanting. I tried to be quiet and careful. When I told her it was time for her meds, she opened her eyes and cursed me. Ummm…not going so well. She told me she didn’t need her meds because God was going to save her. She then told me that while He was going to heal and save her, I was going to hell for my unbelieving ways. Oh, okay. I figured I could clear this up. I leaned down to her level and told her that actually I am a believer. I do have faith in God. We are going to be okay, you and I. We have something in common. Nope. She wasn’t buying it. She looked at me with her penetrating eyes, called me a liar and then told me I was a child of the devil. So much for reason. I wanted to explain that my bloodshot eyes were just from lack of sleep but she wasn’t having any of it. She then rebuked me and yelled at me to get out of her room. Hmmm….that didn’t really go as planned.

I had her a few more nights after our first encounter. She did clear up from the medication so the intensity of her behavior and her hallucinations subsided. I did learn that even on her best day, she wasn’t that nice. I wasn’t called names that were quite as hurtful as that first night but I do believe she told me that she was going to die because I was so mean. Really? Because I was just thinking the same thing about her.

I need thicker skin. I love my job. I really do. It is interesting, exciting and I am learning a ton. Sometimes though I worry that I just don’t have thick enough skin. Crazy words from a lady not in her right mind shouldn’t bother me…but they do. Sometimes I feel like I don’t just have thin skin but maybe it is translucent. Is that possible? I think about words spoken to me days later. I have trouble shaking them. Maybe I should work in preoperative nursing. You spend very little time with the patients while they are conscious. You help get them ready for surgery and then they have their happy juice (not a technical term) and send them on their way. Something to consider.

This experience does remind me to be careful with my words. Sometimes I find myself saying things at home without thinking first. Okay, I do this a lot. One of my kids brought home several pages of graded homework the other day. The majority of it was really good – stars, stickers and A’s. There was one minor test that wasn’t so great. That’s what I pointed out. Afterwards, I thought about it. Bad move. She is 8. A poor grade on one reading comprehension test isn’t going to keep her out of 4^th grade. As a matter of fact, it was probably just a bad day or something else was going on. I have to stop and think before I speak because it’s just good practice AND at least one of my kids seems to have inherited my translucent skin. 

Is it wrong to hope that my patient has moved on by the time I go back to work? The one thing I will take away from the time we spent together - Words are powerful. Use them wisely.

The Perils of Being a Kid

I chaperoned a third grade field trip last week. Those trips, they wear me out more than nursing. I am grateful that my schedule allows me to go now and again and this one was to Camp Tilikum – a scenic, fun outdoor camp in the country. The weather was great and, thankfully, the ratio of parents to kids was pretty good.

On these trips I am often reminded how hard it is to be a kid. We had group of 15+ fairly well behaved 8-year-olds but even so – it is hard to sit still, hard to follow directions, hard to navigate friendships. Whew. One boy called Audrey an idiot (really?). Fortunately he shares his awesome vocabulary equally among kids so she didn’t take it too personally. Another girl who tends toward the dramatic got REALLY mad at Audrey when they didn’t end up in the same canoe together. On top of this you have the big decisions like who to sit by at lunch, stand next to in line, etc., etc. 

No wonder my kids are worn out when they get home. Not only are they learning math, spelling and all the other usual suspects, they have to figure out people and relationships. I forgot how exhausting this can be. I hear kids telling one another that they aren’t their friends any more. Nice. Like life isn’t hard enough and then the people you thought were your friends aren’t – probably for some important reason like you wore blue instead of pink today. I tell my kids that the friends I have now would never say that to me. If they are your friends, they are your friends every day – even on the hard days. I think they kind of get it but it is still so hard when the buddy they have had for a year “decides” they aren’t buddies any more – at least for this moment. How are we ever going to survive middle school?

I try to reassure them that this will all shake out and they will find themselves with some good, true friends. Friends who are your friends every day, despite what color you are wearing. That’s the nice part of being an adult …ideally you are spending more of your time with nice people – people you are choosing to be around. Most of the friends I have now, I have been friends with for years. 

I was trying to explain to my kids the other day that the great thing about true friends is that you get excited when they succeed. As you grow up, it stops being about competition and you get to enjoy seeing where life takes the people in your life. I find myself getting really excited when I see some of my friends’ accomplishments. My good friend passed the bar a few weeks ago after hours and hours of studying. I almost felt like I had passed. For a moment I thought I did and tried to practice law until someone reminded me I need a degree for that...details… 

Another one of my friends made a MOVIE. Like a real, in theaters movie- not like the kind Mason makes on the flip video camera. This movie is a really awesome documentary that follows Detroit firefighters. Michael and I got the chance to see it when it came to town for a couple of days.

Another friend of mine never ceases to amaze me by the remarkable job she is doing raising her three boys on her own as her husband serves in Afghanistan. I think this is his third tour out of the country. She doesn’t complain, is a wonderful mom and has a steadfast faith that I wish I could emulate. And the list goes on and on. The friends in my life help teach me important lessons every day that guide me along in this journey.

When I take a look at my friends, it reassures me that in the end, Mason and Audrey will find some true friends of their own. Friends who will share in the good and bad that comes along with living. I just hope we make it to that point. I don’t know how much drama this mama can take.

Muddling on

I feel incredibly blessed. A few very good friends willingly (fairly) joined me in the Warrior Dash to celebrate my upcoming 40^th birthday. It takes a pretty good friend to slog through a lake, jump over fire and crawl under barbed wire. It was hilarious. Hard to take yourself to seriously when you are waist deep in mud. To top it off, those same warriors, as well as a group of very awesome friends and family, gathered to finish celebrating with me. I still don’t turn 40 for a few weeks but they were game to come join me and toast 4 decades of life.

When we originally decided to celebrate my 40^th in September instead of on my actual birthday, it felt a little like cheating. I did it for a variety of reasons but mostly because the Warrior Dash was yesterday and I thought by having the party on that day, I might be able to get a few more Warriors to join me in the mud. I had no idea when we set the date how much I would need the love and support I found in the midst of the celebration.

The morning before the Warrior Dash was one of the worst mornings I have had as a nurse. A man died unexpectedly on my unit Saturday morning. We have patients die occasionally on our unit – but most of the time they are patients that are on comfort care (similar to hospice) and it isn’t as surprising when they pass. This patient wasn’t even a stroke patient. I am not sure what went wrong for this patient but I was the one who found him unresponsive. Initially I thought he was just resting and in a very deep sleep. It took several minutes to realize something had really gone wrong for this patient. It ended up being quite a traumatic experience and I don’t want to go into detail. It was painful for everyone involved. I thought of this man all Saturday. I went to bed thinking about him…Wondering if I could have done more...Wondering if I am strong enough to go through this again - because as a nurse, I know I will. I ache for his family who I am sure is in shock.

What a contrast to be experiencing doubt and sadness on Saturday to slogging through the mud and jumping over fire on Sunday. Laughing, running, crawling and sliding made me realize how grateful I am to be alive and healthy. How lucky I am to have such good friends. It reassured me that I am okay. I have picked a profession that will come with sadness and some doubt but the rewards are worth it. The experience was terrible on Saturday but I do love my job. There is more to be done - more life to live, more patients to meet. I won’t always be able to follow up a sad experience with so much love and support as I experienced this weekend but I know it is there when I need it. I will take a lot away from Saturday’s experience and hopefully it will make me a better nurse. It is striking to me how in just 48 hours I experienced just about every emotion humanly possible but I am out the other side feeling amazingly blessed.