The Consultant

I haven’t written much this past year. I have been in some type of transition that I didn’t see coming. Although, when I think about it, most transitions we don’t necessarily see coming. There are the obvious ones - starting a new school from elementary to college, moving, babies, marriage. We know about those - maybe not the degree of transition but they are more expected. What I didn’t expect was that I would be going through so much transition just because my kids are. This has been a doozy that I didn’t really see coming.

I had to deal with the transition when Mason left for college his freshman year. I didn’t expect to be nearly as emotional as I was. Lots of tears. Did the same for Audrey last year. You are welcome kids. At least you know clearly your mom loves you and likes you being around. I am sure it makes it easier on them if you don’t sob in front of them as they are trying to prepare for this new adventure but I couldn’t help myself. Whatever.

What I didn’t expect is that it continues. Someone described it as moving from the director of their lives to a consultant. That rings true for me. When they are small, they aren’t making any decisions for themselves. I coordinated meal time, play dates, sleep time….everything really. As they get older it switches but pretty gradually. They start having more control over their own schedule in a limited way. They decided how some of their free time was spent, who they hung out with, who they dated, where they wanted to go to college. But even so, family vacations, groceries, bills, appointments…I was still in charge of those.

Until now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they aren’t fully financially independent quite yet but really, over just about everything else it’s their decision. I am fully aware that they are over 18 so they could create an entire life without me in it if they so choose. I am not trying to be dramatic here but it is sobering to realize that they really could. I have no doubt they both could get decent jobs where they could make a living wage at this point in their life. They are both smart and could figure living on their own if they so choose. So, when things like family vacations or family dinners are discussed, none of this is any longer an expectation or mandate. It’s an ask. It’s a consensus. And I am grateful when it all comes together. I have very little, if any, control over their schedules any longer.

Some of this might sound freeing but honestly, it’s been a bit unnerving. I have been in the role of mom for 21 years now. I feel I have a good sense of myself and the multiple roles in my life besides mom - but this has been the biggest for the past couple of decades. And the most fulfilling. And I am beyond amazed at the two adultish humans in my life. I love the people they are - even if at times we disagree or frustrate one another. They are genuinely two of my very favorite people in all this crazy world. So the fact that they are gone more than they are here has been quite hard. Learning when to suggest something and when to just observe has been a huge learning process. I’m trying but for sure don’t get it right a lot of the time.

I was so excited for them to come home for the summer and I have enjoyed my time with them but, it has gone way faster and much differently than on paper. I won’t get into it here but it didn’t really look like what we imagined. There were a few unexpected health adventures but everyone is doing pretty well now as we wrap up another summer. In about three weeks they will both make their journey’s back to college ... .and here I will be.

People talk a lot about empty nest. I just don’t remember anyone saying that it continues. Like beyond that first year. I feel my identity is shifting and I am in the uncomfortable in between space. I suppose I will grow into being a consultant and it will bring me joy to watch their adult lives unfold but I miss them. Being their mom and in a more active role has been one of the greatest joys for me.  I finally hit my stride in the teenage years. 

I have more time to read now and garden. Dan and I take trips that don’t involve the kids. It only seems to irritate them so far when it’s Disneyland without them. Who knows, maybe I will pick up a new hobby? Or maybe I won’t. But for now, I have to sit in the discomfort as I figure out what this new role of consultant to adultish people looks like. I think it’s going to take a minute.

The 50 mile celebration

I have now outlived my dad. This is what gives me most pause about turning 50. He died 10 days before his 50th birthday. I was keenly aware of the milestone 10 days before my 50th. I remember thinking how crazy it would be if that was my last day. I have lived a full life and am so extremely blessed with my friends, partner and kids. And, also, I feel like there are so many more experiences left to have. 50 still seems so young.

I had many thoughts about turning 50. I have never been too tied to an age or growing older. Of late I often surprise myself when I look in the mirror because my grey hair and increasing wrinkles betray an age that I forget I am. I believe I look my 50 years (and I am not looking for compliments here) but physically I feel better than I did a decade ago. I never stop to consider my age when I am thinking if I can or cannot accomplish something. I have a lot of younger friends and coworkers so maybe that helps me feel like it is all relative.

In addition to a birthday trip to Maine and New York where Dan and I toasted our 50 years on this planet, I knew I wanted to do something else to commemorate the day. Never really one for a party, I knew I wanted to somehow include my beloved people and my love for the outdoors in the celebration. I did not want to run 50 miles.....that just seems too long and painful. So, the 50-mile hiking adventure was born.

Today I wrapped up 50 miles of hiking spread out over 10 days with some of my favorite people. When this idea was forming a few months back, I made a list of friends and hikes. The specific hikes and distance were not as important to me. Each person I asked could tell me what day and distance worked for them and then I would find a hike. The adventure began on October 15. I kept a spreadsheet of the distance and hikes. I had left today open to finish whatever was left to get me to the 50 miles (turns out 5.58 miles).

The last 10 days have been truly beautiful for me. I am forever grateful to all of my amazing hiking partners. It was a chance to catch up, reconnect, enjoy our amazing state and remind me of my beloved community. I know each person who said yes was committing to make time in their schedule to hike and celebrate with me and did so with love. I am a better person for each one of you and the love you have shown me this week. Audrey joined one hike and Mason, since distance prevented him from joining, called me on my actual birthday hike and rode the same distance of the hike on a bike in Indiana to commemorate the day.

My heart is full. I am grateful for a body that will carry me 50 miles. I am grateful for my tribe and all the conversations and miles I have logged these past 10 days. I can't wait to see what the next decade holds.