I stole this quote from Audrey that one of her favorite teachers uses. I just know pieces of the original story but it seems an appropriate quote right now.
Damn. What a world right now. I had to actually ask my family for toilet paper the other day. I passed up a rare sighting of toilet paper at Costco a few weeks back because, even though I was aware of the hoarding and this rare find, it didn't seem right for me, a family of sometimes one, sometimes three, to take 30 rolls of toilet paper. But then, when I did need some...none to be found. Joke is on me. No worries, I'm set again for a bit and probably won't pass it over next time I see it at Costco.
I am not ignorant of the news but I try to limit my intake. I am going to work as normal. Work is slightly less busy as those treatments that aren't time sensitive are being put off -but that just means a few less people a day. Most oncology patients need their chemotherapy regularly. So, we continue on as we do - just sharing exchanges through masks and talking about some of the anxiety and fears that come along with the virus. The hardest change at work has been that visitors aren't allowed any more in the infusion room with very few exceptions. This means that people are getting their treatments alone. While my job at times can be easier without family members and I do cherish the one on one conversations I get to have when it is just me and the patient, I can't be by their side the entire treatment. Sometimes it looks a bit lonely when they are with us for hours. Also, they sometimes tell me I am the only person they have seen in a couple weeks. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE THAT IS? I feel like I need to learn some magic tricks or something to live up to the expectation they must have of their ONE human interaction for weeks.
Even though my work continues mostly as normal, preparations are being made. The OHSU infusion clinic downtown has opened a unit to treat oncology patients that also have Covid-19 or are being ruled out. They need to be separate from the immunocompromised population without the virus. I know other health systems are also making preparations for a possible influx of Covid-19 patients and how to treat them, keep those patients not positive safe all the while keeping themselves safe. I worry about my friends and family at Providence Newberg and other hospitals. I know they have cared for patients who are positive. I pray daily that they are protected physically and mentally during this time.
At times I have had the crazy feeling that I wish I was still working alongside them. Leaving was a good decision for me but during this crisis, there is something comforting about working alongside the people that know you so well and where you feel your skills are best utilized. But, I just keep trying to be open to whatever is in store for me. Earlier this week, we got an email at work looking for volunteers to float to the waterfront clinic because, if they staff the Covid infusion unit, they will have some holes that need to be filled on their general unit. So, I raised my hand. I don't like change and have had more than my fill the past year. But, I was just feeling underutilized and like I needed to be open. And then I got this email. I just finished my first day cross training today. The staff was very welcoming and lovely. I don't know if I will be needed or not but I am willing. And...showing up is more than half the battle.
But I have to tell you how it is that I can raise my hand and volunteer for something that is hard. It is because of the people in my life. It is because of you. People are willingly agreeing to stay in their home and self isolate to give me and all the healthcare providers a chance. Willing to not meet with loved ones to protect the vulnerable, immunocompromised people that I have the privilege to see every day. I can raise my hand because the texts I get daily asking me if I am okay and what I need. I have been fed the past two nights by my beautiful friend leaving meals for me - including the nacho making kit pictured above. I receive pictures of my other friends' adorable baby niece regularly because he knows I need to see something innocent and good. Audrey sets her alarm some days so she can quote Dr. McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy and remind me "it's a beautiful day to save lives" before I go to work. It is because of my beautiful community that when asked, I will jump up and down and say, I will. I can because I have a community who fills me up. Thank you. I don't know how long this will last but in the end, I am pretty sure it will be okay.
Bonus time today. Sometimes I have to pick up a weekend shift. I don't mind - the weekends are at a different location and it is usually a bit more chill than the weekdays. Lately we have had fewer patients than normal because those people that aren't getting chemo and are on treatments that can be pushed out are doing so because of..well you know..that stinkin pandemic. They asked for a volunteer to go home early and i jumped up and down...pick me pick me. One last day of sunshine. I want to write, mow my lawn, weed and hang with my dog. I want to take a second to breathe and get some vitamin D and try to make sense of a world that seems to have gone mad at times.
I have SO many thoughts about what I am seeing in the world right now. For those of you who know me well, won't be surprised to know that my mind is racing right now. All. The. Time. I am an over thinker on a slow day. But when I sort through all the thoughts and the noise I come down to a few things that are keeping me up and concerned.
My patients. I am worried about my patients. You know when they talk about those people who are at higher risk because of a variety of factors? Immuno-compromised, older, etc. Those are the people I work with daily. I worry about them without the coronavirus. So, this has just heightened everything. And they feel it. One of my patients told me the other day, "you know, this will kill me if I get it." Yep. He is on chemo so his ability to fight infections is low. He also has chronic respiratory condition from years of smoking and he is over 70. He's right. It could kill him. So, I do what I can do. I wash my hands to the point that they are cracking and look terrible. I sanitize everything often. I try to make good choices. Let me say that again..I try.
This brings me to my next concern. I feel like there is a whole of of shaming going on over who is doing or not doing what. Let's stop shaming. What if we instead assumed that everyone is trying to make sense of a new situation. Nobody has been down this road before. It is uncharted and scary as hell. It is scary for my friends at the hospitals on the frontlines. It is scary for your neighbors who are over 70 and in compromised health, it is scary for the small business owner that had to lay of his staff. There is a whole lot of fear out there. Someone said to Audrey "I am surprised your mom let you do that since is a nurse." Yes. I am a nurse. I am not an expert on what is happening now. I am a nurse. I am a mom. I am a daughter. I am a human. I look at each decision I have to make in this current environment and weigh a lot of things and then make a decision. Some are good. Some maybe aren't. Some decisions I made last week I might not make this week because we keep getting new information. Guess what though? I am trying to do my best. I am showing up and trying to do right. So, when I hear about someone taking extra toilet paper or going to a pretty crowded place, I have tried to start pausing before I am quick to react. I have not always been successful. I am working on it. Maybe we could all work on it more. Let's redirect our energy. Look at what you can do to make this situation better and focus on that. This is what I am going to try to do more of. I can minimize my contacts. I can check on my people. And, I can stop judging others I see who might make different decisions. If they ask me, I can definitely offer what I know or a suggestion. If they choose differently and don't ask? I can redirect my energy.
Finally, my other biggest concern? Mental health. I had a patient the other day who was a bit depressed before the coronavirus. He is older, a widower, lives in a retirement facility and can't walk for long periods of time. Now with the virus, he can't eat with the other people at his facility because of distancing. His favorite bookshop is closed. He can't see his extended family because of health concerns so he is mostly alone. People who already struggled with loneliness, depression and anxiety are now navigating a pandemic. People who experience physical and/or emotional abuse are now potentially spending more time with their abuser. Social distancing is going to compound mental health issues that already existed. People are experiencing disappointment from canceled trips, closing businesses, sports seasons canceled AND illness. Every persons' disappointment is valid. I had to check myself the other day. Sometimes it sucks to have your mom as a nurse. Just ask my kids. Mason was sad about the postponement of his senior golf season. Rightfully so. I need to validate his disappointment. This is not what I did. The first words out of my mouth? "There are people dying." While this is true, this is not helpful. His disappointment is real. He is 17. This is his last golf season. This is why he goes to high school. His team has the potential to be really good this year. He gets to be disappointed. Next time, I need to stop. Validate. Listen. He will get perspective on the magnitude of the situation to the rest of the world because I know he pays attention AND his mom will make sure he does. But....first let each person experience the loss and disappointment They are all real.
With everything shutting down, we have more time on our hands. This is what I plan to do and hope some of you will consider doing the same. Reach out to people -text, phone, face time. Check on them. We are not all okay. We are scared, anxious, lonely and for those trying to homeschool now, possibly losing our minds. Ask your friends that are healthcare providers what they need. I believe some places are accepting sewn masks and other supplies. The kids are scared. Their worlds are upside down. They are watching us. So, let's show them that even though we are unsure and possibly scared of the unknown, we can still do good. We can be positive, helpful and encouraging. We can be better and we can still rise.
The picture I included is of one of my very favorite humans. I am fortunate to have people who check on me. This one checks on me multiple times a day -pandemic or not. She has asthma. Please don't hug her. I need her to be healthy - and the world does too.
