Courage to Change

This year has been full of changes.....so many it is almost dizzying. The irony is, I am not a huge fan of change. I am not always spontaneous and my initial response that I have to push past is, no, that sounds uncomfortable. So...for some one who doesn't like change, this year has been mind boggling.

I had no idea that changing jobs would be SO HARD. I am still in nursing. I have thought about oncology for awhile now. But actually making the change...unbelievably hard. Pink just came out with a brilliant new album...Hurts 2B Human. I love it. I love her. I find she speaks a lot of hard truth through her music - often interlaced with a lot of four letters words which I loudly try to sing over when my kids are around. They tell me not to worry about it so much...they have heard much worse at school. Anyhow, one of her songs is called "Courage." When I first heard it, I liked it but didn't give the message too much thought...until I started my new job. Then, with each passing day, I started to listen to the lyrics more carefully. "Have I the courage to change? Have I the courage to change?" Repeat.

Guess what??? Changing jobs takes FAR MORE courage than I anticipated. This is hard work. I was a good, competent medical/surgical nurse. I was generally liked. I understood my role. I could perform in an emergency. Oncology nursing? I don't always know what I am doing. I am a beginner. Even more than I thought. I am working with nurses that have been doing this 8+ years. They are like a family and I am the odd one out. I have a lot of questions. A lot. Being a beginner again is kind of a blow to the confidence and the ego.

So each morning, during my workout, I have started listening to Pink's words more carefully....do I have the courage to change? Can I trust in this process? Can I believe that my interest, desire and baseline skills will help move me past beginner eventually? Can I keep walking in with a knot in my stomach and sometimes crying in my car after work believing that I will get this? That I will eventually become skilled and competent again even thought it seems a stretch at the moment?

I can't say I always answer yes to these questions. It has been a hard several weeks. Don't get me wrong - the nurses and staff have been amazing. They are kind and I think I am way harder on myself than they are on me. When I asked my preceptor if I was even close to where she thought I should be, she didn't hesitate and said "I think you are ahead." Funny because I feel like an idiot. But, it was reassuring for a second.

But....in my best moments, when I stop long enough to hear my own voice...I do say yes. Yes, I have the courage to change. Yes, this is what I want. Yes, it is CRUMMY to feel like a beginner again instead of any expert but being stagnant just for comfort isn't the best alternative. I finished this book last month where one of the messages suggested not to worry about being the best, but be the best at getting better. (The Passion Paradox) I like that.

And, when I can't convince myself, I look to my amazing support system. That's the truest thing I have learned before embarking on any scary change...check to see who is with you. You have to have at least three or four people standing there as your cheering section. And I'm not talking people who tell you "oh you will be great." I am talking about people who will take your call when you are crying in your car. People who will meet you for pizza and beer after their 12 hour shift because they know you are in a rough spot. People who say "I will sit with you in the dark until you can see the light." I am fortunate enough to have these people and I have leaned on them tremendously the last year. They are my flashlights reminding me that growth can involve some painful stretching...but I am up to the task.

I know it will get easier but in the meantime, I am singing along to Pink each morning as I lift weights convincing myself that I have the courage to meet this day and continue to be a beginner. It's going to take awhile... but sometimes the best things do. And I can't forget the patients I have met. I have met some truly beautiful people. Beautiful. I spent some time talking to a women with a pretty poor prognosis. She knew I was new. Everyone knows I am new because most have been coming for months, if not years, to the oncology clinic AND I also usually have another nurse with me since I am training = a sure sign of a newbie. After spending some time with this woman she was getting ready to go and she looks at me very sincerely and she says, "You are going to be great here. I can tell. Really great." My heart exploded. This is it. If she has the courage to keep showing up, I have the courage too. 

A Heart Broken and Full

I have been thinking about this dichotomy a lot in the past couple of weeks. It seems on first glance that both can't be true at the same time. But I'm telling you...they are. My heart is both. Right now. And, it will keep happening for awhile...and then will happen again. I am living proof.

On Sunday, I received messages from both Michael and Audrey that Annie seemed off...lethargic, not eating, peed in the house. I knew she had been fine the day before so figured something simple like a urinary tract infection. Took her in Monday just to be sure. As the appointment continued on, it became apparent this might not be a simple infection. After a couple of days and several tests, I learned my sweet, joyful, life giving, hiking buddy has a tumor on her heart as well as cancer in her lungs. It has taken me all week to wrap my head around this. I am cherishing my time with her right now as I know it is extremely limited. My heart is absolutely broken. I counted on the fact that we would have her with us for at least a few more years. A few more days is now the reality. But, when I look at her and think of our times in the woods, at the beach and just watching a movie, I KNOW we are better for the time we have had with her. My heart is full knowing what she has added to our life in the last five years. I will cherish every last smile and tail wag she is willing to give me. I would not change bringing her home when she was 4 (or 6, verdict is still out) even though the pain I am experiencing and having to watch my kids' experience is excruciating. It has been absolutely worth the time we have had.

I was already contemplating this notion of broken and full before Annie's diagnosis as I have other major changes in my life right now. The same day I learned Annie's final prognosis, I gave my notice at work. Most people I work with still do not know that I am leaving because it is hard for me to talk about. Broken and full. At the end of April I will be working as an Oncology Infusion nurse at OHSU. I have such mixed feelings about this move. Don't get me wrong....I chose this. But the choice has been extremely challenging.

I thought I would be at Providence Newberg until the kids graduated from high school. It is so convenient to my house, my schedule is pretty good and the staff is like family. I don't say that lightly. These people are MY people. The nurses, certified nurse assistants, hucs, housekeepers, dietary staff, chaplain....they have loved me, encouraged me, laughed and cried with me. I have found presents in my locker, notes on my computer, presents on my doorstep. I get encouraging text messages and coffee brought to me at work. I love these people. If you are reading this now and wondering why I haven't told you I am leaving, it's because I am SO SAD to leave you.

What I have learned though is sometimes you have to go. This past year it started to become more clear to me that this was no longer my place. I am weary over the battle for adequate staffing and appropriate acuities. In my role I felt like I was asking people to do things I wasn't always comfortable with. The primary focus should be taking exceptional care of the patients. But, still being so conflicted, I didn't actively search but kept my eyes open just in case.

I have known for a bit that oncology would be my next move. There is something appealing to me about the mix of this patient population combined with all the education and learning I will need related to the medications and therapies. Head and heart. So I kept my eyes open. I saw the job with OHSU and applied. I didn't hear anything for a long time which didn't surprise me since I don't have any oncology experience. But then I got a call....and an interview....and two more. I decided to just keep moving forward and going through the doors that were opening. Finally I had to admit to myself, I wanted this job. I ran the pros and cons SO. MANY. TIMES. A few cons were the schedule (M-F, 8-5). I way prefer 12 hours. The other one....leaving my people. But, when my friend very subtly told me that my current job was killing my soul, I knew it was time. I need to go. My kids were great about it. I sat down with them and told them how different it will be - I can't walk with them most weekdays during their golf tournaments when I switch. I will be home for dinners now but I won't just be around on the random Wednesday. They were great. Audrey reminded me that high school golf wasn't going to last forever and the stress they see in me isn't worth the flexible hours.

So, here I am. A heart broken and full on so many levels. I will cherish my time with Annie. I will cherish the rest of my time with my Newberg coworkers. They have made me a better person. I will take them with me as I move into the next adventure and I will remember that even when the pain seems UNBEARABLE, the journey is worth it. I wouldn't trade the experience and the joy for any thing.