Mental Health and The Adult Adjacent Population

You know what we don't talk about enough? Parenting the adult adjacent population. I love the term adult adjacent. I was talking to a patient a few months back about my kids. This individual had kids a bit older than mine. We were talking about how they are mostly out of the house, doing adult like things...until they aren't. Until they call you and tell you they lost their phone, inadvertently missed a final exam or only have three day's left of contacts in their dorm (obviously random examples not meant to implicate anyone I know.) This patient referred to this set as "adult adjacent." Brilliant. They have moments where they pass as adults...and moments were they remind you that they aren't there yet.

I did not know how hard this time would be. And I say this from a position of loving who my kids are and who they are becoming. They are kind, smart, funny and remember to call home. I call them out on behavior I am not a fan of and they do the same to me. We have great conversations. It is still DAMN hard. Not hard like when they were small. That was so physically exhausting when they were learning how to walk, run, share, make friends, navigate school. That is a hard time and people talk about that time more. And then in high school it seems like parents often go a bit more silent. Silent for various reasons. Silent because our kids would be embarrassed if we talk about some of the things we are navigating. Silent because we want our kids to keep talking to us and if they thought we were sharing they might stop. Silent because we have years of parenting under our belt so we should at least pretend we know what we are doing.

Guess what? I don't. I have not done this before. I am making it up on the fly. Sometimes I have brilliant moments and sometimes I have terrible ones. I told Mason when he was home for Christmas that I LOVE being his mom AND it is hard to be his mom. And he knew what I meant. And, no worries, he is still talking to me and still loves me.

I have had more conversations than I can count with friends, coworkers and acquaintances that are parenting this adult adjacent set right now. And, the common theme that I am finding is that this population is NOT OKAY. And, as the people trying to love and support and help them navigate through this unprecedented time, we are struggling too.

What a time to be trying to chose a college or a career, meet people, navigate COVID and keep your shit together. I have heard many times how, even when the pandemic starts to recede, we will have a mental health crisis that we are only starting to see the beginnings of. And I believe it. I know so many people who are dealing with anxiety and depression either personally or with their adult adjacent people. So, let's talk about it. Let's get rid of the stigma. Let's use our collective knowledge and intellect and start directing people to help so they don't have to sit alone in the dark.

I have anxiety. Have for years. This is not new. On most days, I am a functional anxious person. Functional though because I have an amazing counselor, partner, and group of friends who love me well. And, I run. Sure, I run for my physical health but even more for my mental health.

I have kids with anxiety. Both of them. No worries. They pre-approved this message. I also have one that was recently diagnosed with ADD. This is not a surprise to me but the journey to name it has been a long one. We are still wrapping our head around how best to create structures to allow him to flourish knowing our conventional learning systems and structures don't work the same for those with learning differences. I am also learning it is much harder to help navigate the healthcare system on their behalf once they approach and turn 18. Providers don't have to talk to you and won't always let you set up appointments. And, as a nurse who works with people 17 and up, I get this. Sometimes having the parent present is not helpful. Sometimes the kid who do better with the parent present. Sometimes. 

I agonize regularly knowing there are limitations to how much I can help my adult adjacents. I can guide them. I can provide resources. I can help reduce the stigma regarding mental health and seeking help from professionals. But then? Then I have to stand cheering from the sidelines, answering the phone, answering questions and support whatever direction they chose. I had no idea HOW HARD PARENTING THIS AGE would be. I said it. And from the conversations that I have had with others who have kids this age, I am not alone.

So, let's talk bout it. Let's talk with our adult adjacents. Let's provide resources. Let's admit we don't know what the hell we are doing but they aren't alone. And then let's talk to each other. Let's talk to the parent who is looking for a counselor for their kid who they just learned is depressed and let them know they aren't alone. This has been the LONGEST two years. Information is changing all the time. Let's admit we are all doing our best. We are here. We will show up for our people and for each other. And if you need someone to walk this path with you, reach out.

Jenny makes me shirts to wear at work that carry messages with them. Sometimes I wear them for my patients, sometimes I wear them for me. I wasn't at work today and I wore this one. This one was for me.

Envisioning 2022

 Life's Work    

I have had a cold this past week. I know it's a cold because I tested for COVID because you can't just have a normal cold any more without panic and doubt creeping in. I think it was a combination of becoming run down with Christmas, work and the whirlwind of activities I tried to cram in - tubing, zoo lights, peacock lane to make this weird world seem as festive as possible. New Year's Eve was a comedy of errors and we ended up serving the kids a fancy dinner at midnight - which might sound like a great plan but when you generally don't function well after 9 pm, cooking at 11:30 is not ideal. Anyhow, it's just a cold.

Feeling a bit low, I watched church online instead of attending. My church, Resonate, is small, spaced and very vigilant so I feel safe attending when I am well. But last Sunday, I watched. In addition to leading the church, the pastor owns my favorite coffee shop across the street. They also serve whiskey at the coffee shop. He also quotes Brene Brown on occasion. I can't think of a more perfect fit for me. On this first Sunday in January he was talking about envisioning the year ahead in a more strategic way. Not resolutions per se, just giving different areas in your life some thought and attention to plan for the year ahead. I am not big on resolutions but I can get behind good planning. One of the areas was thinking and planning around your "Life's work." He did not refer to it as your job but your life's work. The place where you want to put your talent and energy to express who you are. This was probably the only area I didn't take any notes. For the record, I am not much of a church note taker on normal days. I have often resisted places of worship that provide me with a program and an outline where I am supposed to fill in the blanks during the sermon. This is not how I learn AND not at all how I experience God. The church I attend now does not provide those outlines or ask me to do anything I am not comfortable doing. I digress. I said to Dan, "how fortunate am I? I am doing this." I don't feel the need to do any planning in this area. I AM doing my life's work. I have no doubt about it. If you asked me what my dream job is I would say that it is exactly what I am doing. 

I knew once I started nursing school that it would be a good fit. It's the balance for me between the head and the heart. The schooling is no joke. You don't sleep through Pharmacology or Anatomy and Physiology AND you get to care for people. To have real conversations. To problem solve. To navigate a crisis. To work with like minded people. I knew nursing was the right fit and I thoroughly enjoyed my time working in neurology and medical/surgical to learn various skills and increase my knowledge base but being an oncology nurse? I believe that is my life's work. Maybe it will change down the road but for now, I found it. New chemotherapy is being developed all the time. Learning is constant. But even more than the learning are the people. I work with the most incredible people. Some patients come once a month. Some come every week if not more often. I know about their families, their jobs, what they did for the holiday. I know about their nausea and their pain. And they know about me. Many of them know that I miss my Indiana kid and that Audrey is visiting colleges. The place we stopped for dinner after visiting Gonzaga was a recommendation of one of my patients who use to be a truck driver and drove to Spokane often. I have one patient who is avid golfer and after I had mentioned Mason was in a tournament that day and the school he played for she figured out how to find it online and was giving me regular updates throughout her chemo on the progress of Mason and his roommate. 

I know I am fortunate to be spending many of my days doing what I see as my life's work and, as an extra bonus, I get to do it alongside some amazing coworkers - kind, intelligent and funny. My kind of people. The downside? Well, it's oncology. It does not always end well and I get attached. This past month I have seen some loss and it has built up. Just yesterday I learned that one of my favorite patients I cared for when I worked at another location died from his cancer several months ago. I had suspected that he wasn't long for this world when I left that location as his cancer was unrelenting but I was hopeful. He taught me a lot about attitude and kindness in the midst of adversity. I know part of what makes me good at what I do is that I connect with a wide range of people. I dislike small talk. I would much rather just go straight to how you really are than pleasantries. But....this is the same part that makes this job impossible. I have seen people make the decision to go on hospice. I have had conversations with people who were just hoping to live until Christmas. And I can't let that go when I leave work. I think about the people I have shared these sacred moments with. I also want to remember to give just as much importance to the joys I get to experience - such as celebrating with the patient who was receiving her last chemo, or look at the picture of the patients' grandbaby in her first snow. The joys and the heartache are equally important.

I think the cold was one way to force me to slow down. Take some time for self care - which is not my strength - feel the losses of this past month, year and recuperate. COVID is once again sweeping through healthcare and everywhere else. We have staff out with COVID, patients who have cancelled due to COVID and many living in fear. I need to remind myself that it's okay to take a break so I can keep doing this for the many years ahead. So, as I envision my year ahead, I will continue to pursue my life's work AND I plan to get better and keeping myself healthy so that I can continue on with this dream.