The Daunting 49

 I have wondered for three decades what I would feel like when I turned 49. I found it to loom larger than 50. My dad died when he was 49. Even as a 19 year old kid in college I knew that, although I thought of him as "ancient,” 49 was not an age you expected to have a massive heart event that ended your life in minutes.

Yesterday I turned 49. Mason is the same age I was when I lost my dad. It has caused me to be even more reflective than usual....which is saying a lot. Sorting out all my thoughts surrounding this is a bit like when you played that string game with friends when you were a kid and the string is all intertangled and you have to work together to completely unweave it. A bit jumbled in there but this is what I know.....

I have had quite a year. I got married, moved, changed my work environment, received covid vaccines, gave covid vaccines and stayed healthy during a pandemic. When I look at my life to date, I am content. I have a career I love, a partner who adores me and makes me feel special every single day and kids who seem to still like talking to me and spending time with me. I have a core group of friends that show up for me and make me laugh until I cry. 

I work with people daily who may be in their last year. It is rarely lost on me how precious this one life is. So, when I pause to think about life ending at 49 I recognize what a beautiful and full life I have had. If this was it, I haven't left anything on the table. I don't have things left unsaid or wrongs I feel I need to right. 

That being said....I sure hope 49 is not it. Considering my health seems to be working in my favor (except for unexpected high cholesterol that I recently learned about. It appears my dad left some things behind for me), I expect/hope I have decades to go. There are conversations still to be had, places to see, hikes to hike and coffee to be enjoyed. I want to take Mason to play golf in Scotland and watch Audrey graduate from high school and college. I want to see where they land. I want to go to Italy with Dan and find all the fantastic vineyards and enjoy the countryside. I want to hike with Savannah in Colorado. I want to live next to Jenny when we get old and lose some of our marbles so we can sit in rocking chairs and crack jokes with the people walking by. 

I make a list each birthday of the things I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Usually it includes the number of books I hope to read, a long run or two and a couple of other items. I didn't knock off everything on the list this year but I did pretty well. Need to up my reading game. I did have on my list to run a half marathon, which I hadn't gotten to as of two days before my birthday for various reasons....and lack of training. So, on Friday, the day before my birthday, I completed the Newberg Classic 13.1. As the sole runner, I crushed it and won every category. Good thing the competition was lacking because it wasn't pretty but I got it done...thanks in part to Dan who made sure to cheer and hydrate me along the way. As I ran around most of Newberg I thought about how fortunate I am that I have a body that is able to run 13 miles. A mind that keeps me on track, mostly. And a group of people who supports me completely. 49 seems less daunting now. So, one foot in front of the other…let’s do this.

My Ten Favorite Things in the Universe

Damn. Mental health is not to be taken lightly. I have always known this but it feels like it's hitting from all sides, publicly and privately right now. We are watching Olympic athletes pushed to the brink who are standing up and saying enough.. I need to breathe. I will not even pretend to know what that is like. I have people close to me telling me about physical manifestations of what is most likely anxiety in disguise. Others whose anxiety is potentially keeping them from reaching their potential in certain areas of their life. On top of that add covid, the delta variant and the wild ride this past year has been. I am very good about taking the mental health needs of those around me and my patients seriously but not always my own. I am on my fifth day in a row off of work and today I had to say out loud that I was devoting it to some self care activities because the past four have been filled with yard/house chores, tasks, lists... and not so much rest. My own mental health doesn't always take priority and I know I need to be more intentional about it.

So today, I started with a trail run at Tryon Creek. I can't remember the last time I went trail running and it brings me such peace. I got lost....not uncommon, but it was great. Then I followed it with a visit to my counselor who is remarkable. We have been together for several years and she laughed and was not all surprised to hear my break day included trail running. Then I had the chance to read and hang with Audrey and now here I am. I haven't written in awhile either. I had a whole myriad of life changes at one time and it turns out one needs a bit of time to unpack, process and remember how to share toothpaste and ice cream with another individual. So...I am going to work on this - my own health. I have scheduled all my medical appointments, reached out to friends and plan to get back to hiking, trail running and paddle boarding before the summer passes me by. 

The other night Mason told me that he and Natalie, who is now at Pepperdine and I miss greatly, made a list of each of their 10 favorite things in the universe and he challenged me to do the same. It has taken me a few days because the universe is big, but it's a good reminder to slow down and remember the things I am grateful for in the midst of all the chaos, discord and stress. So, here it is:

My Ten Favorite Things IN THE UNIVERSE in no particular order  

Mason's laugh

Audrey's hugs

Dan warming my side of the bed and then tucking me in at night

Hiking/running in Forest Park, Columbia Gorge or any of the beautiful PNW

My 5:30 am daily check ins with Jenny

Coffee

Standing in front of the Pacific Ocean

The feeling of Christmas morning BEFORE all the presents are opened

My library

Riding California Screaming (now the Incredicoaster) with Mason and feeling that stomach drop crazy free feeling even if it is momentary.

How lucky am I? The next couple of weeks I am going to work more diligently at reminding myself specifically what I am grateful for AND taking care of my physical and mental health. Audrey got in my space the other day when I was negative self talking and exclaimed "DON'T TALK TO MY GOOD FRIEND THAT WAY." It made me laugh out loud but she had a point. We talk to ourselves way worse than we would ever talk to a friend or loved one. I am a big believer in counseling and talking to someone who is not within your sphere so if you need any resources for counselors or just someone to listen...hit me up. The world is a big, weird, sometimes unkind place. No reason to go it alone.

 

The Little Blue House

 

I close on the sale of my house today. I signed all the documents yesterday. It took less than 10 minutes. The whole process was really pretty easy. My realtor/friend Chris already had a buyer when we first met. He was working with some people who had been trying to buy into Sherwood but the market is so crazy right now they kept losing out. He knew they would like my house and the opportunity. My house is perfect for a first time home buyer - small, low cost for this market,  good school district - a lot of perks. It ended up being a good deal for both of us. I didn't have to put a ton of work getting my place ready and having lots of people walk through and they didn't get outbid in a crazy market. I still will be renting here for another month until I get married and move to Newberg with Dan.

I didn't expect to be quite as nostalgic as I am about leaving the little blue house but I am. I have many good, hard memories in this house. It is the only place I have owned on my own. When I moved into the house I was starting over. I was overwhelmed. I spent many late nights hanging from the top of a ladder painting, fueled by wine and M&M's. It's kind of a miracle I didn't injure myself when I think about it. I had dear friends insist on coming to help me because they knew I wouldn't ask. I learned how to replace a toilet, remove and paint doors, rip out a shrub that had taken over the entire front yard and had a life of it's own, and assemble furniture. I started a new job and then changed clinic locations since I moved in here. I sent a kid to college. I helped another navigate high school during covid. I hosted a covid friendly prom and homecoming. I hung up my friend's art that she made for me. I ran an ultra marathon. I adopted Chewy Lewis. I fell in love.

I love the new house that Dan and I found in Newberg. It is in a neighborhood but it has beautiful backyard views of hills and alpacas. We can hear the crickets and birds that live in the marsh just off our backyard. I have found a new running path. We are putting together our library. I have an entire room devoted to a library! It will be amazing. But still I am so grateful for my time in the blue house.

It is here in this house that I remembered my strength. I took up trail running. I remembered I was brave enough and had enough support to try oncology - which is the perfect fit. I had incredibly honest conversations around the dinner table with my kids. It cracks me up when I see articles talk about "conversation starters with your teen." Nothing is off limits here. I imagine at times my kids would like a reprieve from the life discussions. They know it's a safe space here though and I will do my best to create that in the Newberg house.

The next chapter will be good. I know it and I am looking forward to it. But, I will be forever grateful for this 1000 square foot space that was a learning and loving place for me the past three years.

The Next Right Thing.

 So.....I have been taking a COVID mental break and realized I had not written in quite some time. The last time I wrote I had finished my 30 mile Wildwood trek and it took a minute to recover....and then Covid went on, and on, and on. And then all the political division. And then we were all just trying to get by, to get through, to wear our masks, to do our best.

2021 came and with it the promise of new leadership and VACCINES. One of the brightest spots in a long time are the vaccines. I have worked at several vaccine clinics because I like being part of the light, the promise, the hope. People who come feel hopeful. I soak it in.

There have been losses. Oh so many losses. But there is some light. Some hope. And....some love. One of the biggest surprises for me has been love. 

I met Dan when we were just learning more about Covid last spring. It was April. I met him online - which is a entirely other post because I still can't believe that I was even online and I have thoughts about that. Even so, there I was and we had enough of ...something....to meet in person. But I was VERY clear with Dan. I am an oncology nurse. Covid is real and I take it seriously. If you actually want to meet me in person we will be masked and maintain social distancing. Dan wasn't phased. He was in. He was still in when I told him before we were to meet that if he wasn't really interested or was going to stand me up, not to waste my time. He was undeterred, even intrigued perhaps that I was someone who wasn't afraid to speak my mind.

So we met. We had a lovely walk across the Tilikum bridge. It is more fun for him to tell the story and if you get to meet him some day, maybe you will hear it. Apparently I made some sort of impression. So we walked again. And again. And again. We did a lot of walking Dan and I. Eventually he made his way into my bubble but it took some time. There is a lot more to this story but to highlight - we have weathered Covid together. He has seen me tired, discouraged and disheartened. He has seen me hopeful. He and Jenny were my primary support system during my 30 mile Wildwood trek. He has shown up for a tired, at times disgruntled, oncology nursing again and again and again.

In some ways we are very similar. We both have a crazy love for books, red wine and coffee. In some ways we are very different. He will talk to anyone, is always enthusiastic, is a hopeless romatic and is ahead of me by about 20 tattoos. But, in the midst of COVID, we started a love story. An unlikely, quirky, lovely love story.

He had not been snow shoeing as an adult. I almost did him in taking him up a very steep hill on his first snowshoe this winter. Yet, he was good natured and went with me again. As a matter of fact, he has been up for every crazy adventure I have suggested. And today, as we stopped to take in Mt Hood while snowshoeing around Trillium Lake, he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. 

So, the story continues. My kids were in on the plan and are excited for us and the next chapter. They are part of it. So is Chewy. He's ecstatic. It was perfect - adventure, sunshine, outdoors, hope.

As I reflect on today I think of Mary Oliver's famous words  "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Well, I plan to marry Dan.