Deal Breaker

A deal breaker (according to the Urban Dictionary) is "the catch that a particular individual cannot overlook." I have found that this new path that I am on has lead to some really interesting conversations - conversations that I don't believe I would have had if not for the path. Conversations that have been thought-provoking, heart breaking and enlightening. A few such conversations have been around deal breakers as they relate to relationships - with a significant other and with friends. It made me really stop and think what are my deal breakers when it comes to my friendships?

One person I was talking to told me that the deal breaker was friends that had crossed a moral line in their mind, for example lying or an affair. Another friend told me that not being listened to or validated by the other person was their deal breaker. So....what was my deal breaker as it relates to friends? I don't have many friends that I can think of that I am no longer friends with unless it is more of a distance and ability to actually see one another. But what is my deal breaker?

I make a lot of mistakes. I do not expect perfection. I have friends that have cheated, stolen, done drugs, and had different religious and political beliefs than me. Did I walk away? Absolutely not. Have I done some less than glamorous things? Absolutely. These are not deal breakers for me. Do my friends make choices where I would have chosen differently? Yep. And I know I have made choices they don't agree with either. How uninteresting if we were all on the same path. I have learned so much from some amazing people in my life. If I pay attention I learn why they made that choice, what they learned from it and what they might do next time. I am not in a position to judge their choices. I am in a position to walk with them through whatever the outcome of the choice and they do the same for me.

I had coffee with some friends from high school the other day. One lives out of town, so at best, we see each other once a year. She has two young kids and was talking about how hard it is (amen - you couldn't pay me to go back) and how she struggles with screen time and feels bad for doing too much. No judgment here sister. Those are hard years. I am not in your shoes so am not going to tell you how much screen time is too much for your kids just like I know you aren't going to tell me I am not feeding my two teenagers enough leafy greens.

I met with another amazing friend today. She told me that this year is a milestone for us. She has now known me and been friends with me for more of her life than she has been without me. 24 years. And we have seen some STUFF together. Whew. She told me what she had said to her oldest child just prior to meeting me. It might have included some profanity. I just laughed. No judgment here. She is an amazing mom and her daughter is a fabulous girl. But, she is a teenager and was acting less than awesome. And who am I to say? I used the word "shit" in scrabble with Mason the other day to get the triple word score. He was horrified but I thought I was clever. Lost anyway.

So, what are my deal breakers? I think I have just one really. I think there is a lot of room for grace among friends for different choices and beliefs. Especially if we have good communication and a solid foundation. But, the one thing I can't do is unapologetic unkindness. I think that's it. We all have our moments of not being kind. I do. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth have no business being out there in the world BUT I believe once I know I have been unkind, I apologize. I try to apologize...even when it's hard. Audrey and I had a hard conversation the other day. She felt like I was being too critical and pointing out what she wasn't doing right too much. It was hard to listen to because I vacillated between feeling like I sucked as a parent and feeling defensive because I didn't think my requests were outrageous. But what she needed from me was for me to listen. So I did. I put my own angst aside and listened and recognized how she could perceive that I was being unkind. So I apologized and we worked together to figure out a strategy where we both felt good.

At work not long ago I was in a patient room with another nurse. We were trying to help the patient address a few of his needs but he wasn't listening and soon started yelling at us. We didn't respond at first but then he called us some unflattering names I won't repeat. It was too much. He was now just being mean. I looked him in the eyes, raised my voice and very directly told him that his behavior was not unacceptable. He was being rude and unkind to people who were there to help him. He was not apologetic but my response did silence him temporarily. When we left the room my coworker looked at me and said "I have never heard your mom voice. That was kind of scary." Yep. Unapologetically unkind. That's it. My deal breaker.

My natural habitat

Audrey started basketball games this week. I love watching her play. She seems so at home on the court. She is fierce, competitive, encouraging, a team player, and strong. My favorite moment was when she knocked a girl over going for a ball and then immediately turned to the girl and offered her a hand up. So my Audrey...fierce AND kind. She is constantly encouraging her teammates. I love Saturdays when I am not working and can watch. All of her best qualities are on display on the court.

It's the same experience for me walking with Mason on the golf course. My love for golf is directly tied to this kid. I would walk for hours happily watching him play. He is so content on the course - focused, competitive, calm (mostly), joyful and kind to those he plays alongside. He is in his zone and I love being a witness to it.

When I think about where I am most myself - where I feel most fulfilled and, generally, my best qualities are on display, I have two opposing places. One is at work. I love being a nurse. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It is part of who I am and what I was meant to be. I know this without a doubt. I love working alongside smart, fun, kind people who have the same goal in mind. I love the mental and emotional challenge that caring for people provides. I don't love the recent fight or flight state I currently find myself in often at work but that will resolve one way or another. In general, if you want to see me in my element, it is on the second floor of Providence Newberg.

But, I have a second, equally important place that makes me feel whole. I am happy and content outside....usually in some forest and on some trail. My thoughts are quieted and all the energy that has been sucked out of my introverted self at work is restored. I can walk for hours. Sometimes I am with people but more often I am with my four legged friend or alone. Walking alongside a creek or through the trees calms my crazy soul. I also love the physical challenge of seeing how far I can push myself. There is nothing better at the end of the day than laying down with tired muscles that have been worked thoroughly and made stronger. I have found more and more that after a few days of work, I am considering which hike I can fit into the week. I need the balance. The time in the woods make me feel like I can again return to the rest of life.

Maybe my places won't always remain the same. I'm okay with that. I am 100% up for evolving. I don't want to be the same at the end of the year as I am now. Just today I was told I am too critical. I am at times. Always work to be done. But, I need to find and recognize those places. I need to see where I feel most comfortable and myself and make sure I show up there, again and again. And, if the places where my kids feel most comfortable now, change, I need to support them to help them find where they fit. Life is hard. We have to have places we can be that are wholly us, to recharge and shine so we can keep showing up for all the rest.