So Many Feelings

I jokingly told someone that I am not available for meetings on Thursday nights because I am doing my part-time job as an uber driver. I was only partially kidding. On the days I don't work, more often than not I can be found in the car. Thursdays can be especially long. I don't mind it too much. These days are fleeting. In a few months Mason will be able to get his license and I won't have as many opportunities to chat, sing and discuss life with them in the car.

So last night, after getting them home from basketball and golf and trying to get everyone ready for bed - oh and tending to Audrey's newly sprained ankle, Mason asks me if I want to do this personality test that he had to do in class. I think he was procrastinating going to bed and I was too fried to really care or know the difference. I have always found Myers/Briggs and similar tests kind of fascinating, so I was game. He set me in front of his chrome book and I got to work answering all my questions. He told me to do my best to not be indecisive and just pick all the neutral answers.

A bit later he comes back down to read my results. His words, "Oh my gosh, mom. You are almost ALL feeling. I didn't know someone could be that much of one thing!" Um, yes. Have you not noticed? He also was surprised how much I leaned towards introverted. Yep. Meet for coffee. Not at a party. There was one question that asked if you enjoy parties where you dress up or there is a theme. I believe I might have said out loud, "I would rather jab sharp sticks in my eyes." Audrey thought this was a bit aggressive.

As Mason and I read the characteristics of my personality type - which they deemed the "Defender" I was struck by how accurate I thought it was. Didn't hurt that there was a picture of a nurse next to the title. I guess some of our personality traits draw us into the medical field. Strengths of this personality include supportive, hard working, enthusiastic and working on constant improvement. Weaknesses? Overload themselves, take things too personally and internalizing feelings too much. Yep. But because I am working on constant improvement - I am trying to change these things. Because I take things too personally, I am frustrated I don't get there quicker. See what is happening here? Not all these traits work together in harmony.

It was nice to be reminded for a moment not to beat myself up quite so much. Some of the things that bother me about myself are an inherent part of my personality. I am envious of my coworkers who can leave their job at the door. This definitely helps sustain them and will probably avoid burnout. Meanwhile, I still think of patients from months back and have not been able to shake the pale, lifeless face of the man who I saw succumb to cardiac arrest earlier this week. My dreams/nightmares lately have involved balancing patient acuities and treating patients. No wonder I don't always wake up feeling rested.

It was good for Mason to have insight into my personality too. I think he connected for a moment why I have some of the reactions I do. It was also good for me to hear how his test had turned out. I would have picked him as an introvert but he came out with a slightly more extroverted bent - and after he explained to me, I could see it.

These tests aren't all accurate. I don't put great stock in the results and I won't use it as an excuse the next time I cry too easily when I get overwhelmed. But, for a moment, I saw some recognition and explanation that made sense to me about how I react like I do at times. That will help as I work on my constant improvement.