I See You

To the man I was sitting next to at church today...I see your tears. I see you subtly trying to wipe them away. I am sorry for your pain. I don't know you or what you are going through but I am standing next to you and I am feeling your pain. If I were more extroverted, I would have touched your back - but stranger touching isn't really my thing. So, instead, I prayed for you and hoped that you could feel the love I was sending your way. I hope you have people around you who can lighten your load.

I can't believe we are still in January. So much has happened and it is STILL the same month. I can't say I am a huge fan so far but I have BIG hopes for February. We have had too many snow days to count, a new school calendar developed to recover those days, a new president, millions of women and those that believe in and support them get together and march...and these are just the well publicized events. Privately, I know people who have died, lost loved ones, changed jobs and are experiencing different hardships. The hospital has been at capacity for weeks. It's been a month full of joy, excitement and pain already.

The few people in my life that have started off 2017 with more pain than seems fair are often on my mind...because this is what I was reminded of as the gentleman cried next to me in church today... pain that can be shared is sometimes just the tiniest bit easier. In my experience, when I have someone walk alongside me, even just to hold my hand because the right words are often hard, it helps to not feel so alone. Pain and grief can be soooooo lonely. For me, I have found it more bearable if I have someone willing to carry part of my load even if part of my journey means taking it back to see it through to the end. It is easier to find my way through the darkness with a friend to wear the head lamp.

I see a good amount of physical pain at work. Part of the job. Physical pain sucks, no doubt. I have never broken a bone or had chronic pain but I have worked with enough people to know it looks really miserable. I see emotional pain at work too - whether it be a family who is dealing with a loved one that has been moved to hospice, or a person who is in the hospital by themselves trying to navigate the physical aspects of their illness alone. Both are hard but oh so different. I don't have medicine I can give you for the emotional pain. The emotional pain is harder to treat. I can listen and provide support but my time with patients is generally short. My hope for them when they leave is that they have people in their life walking alongside them.

Pain and grief make many of us uncomfortable. We are afraid we will say something wrong so wonder if it is better to not say anything at all. In my experience, it is better to risk saying the wrong thing than remain silent. Even if all you can say is that you aren't sure what to say. Or to just remain physically present even when it is uncomfortable.

So, to the man at church and to my loved ones that I know are struggling right now. I see you. You aren't alone. If you want someone to hold your hand, I'm here. And, if it's not me, look for someone else around that looks like they could sit for awhile.

I still have big hopes for February.

Am I Reading the Wrong Map?

I love reading Glennon Doyle Melton's books, blog and posts. She often speaks truths I feel but

1. am not sure I am daring enough to speak and
2. I wouldn't look half as good doing it.

She is funny, honest, kind and is using her superpowers for so much good. The other day she posted the following quote: "The place where you are right now, God circled on the map for you" - Hafiz. I loved the quote but was a little skeptical that Hafiz is a real person. What a name. So, I looked him up. Turns out he was a Perisian poet.

Authenticity now settled, I was thinking about that quote earlier today and wondering if God and I are reading the same map sometimes. Really....this, right now? Are you sure? What type of map are we looking at? Geographical? The food groups? Am I looking at what I am supposed to? Because SOMETIMES I'm not sure we are looking at the same thing.

I started this year strong - I know, it's only January 8 but how long can I keep this momentum up? I don't make resolutions generally. I feel like I am a continual work in progress and make commitments all through the year so making new ones on January 1 doesn't hold much significance for me. The first week of January was pretty good. I got some new wireless earbuds for Christmas that I LOVE. I'm not running faster or farther but I'm no longer getting tangled up in wires or having my earbuds fall out. So I am a happier runner. The kids are also back to school which may improve my mood on occasion. I love having them around but the lack of structure kills my type A personality at times.

I had all sorts of unexpected time this weekend thanks to the snow and ice. I was able to get Christmas all packed up and put away and I even finished cleaning out my desk that has been on my to do list for at least three years. This should make me extremely happy. I LOVE to check things off my list.

Instead I am all out of sorts. Unexpected time is not always my friend. For hyper feeling people such as myself this sometimes allows for extra time to dwell on the harsh word spoken, things I could be doing better, things I have left undone and my sweet friends I miss in India. It probably didn't help my mood that I was listening to John Legend singing about breaking my heart and came across letters that my Dad wrote me while he was alive. Phew. So, this is where I am supposed to be now? Are you sure Hawaii isn't where I am supposed to be now? That sounds much easier right at this moment.

So, I wrapped up my project, took a deep breath and texted my faithful friend Jenny who knew exactly what to say and had me laughing out loud within minutes. Where I am right now, my place on the map, feels hard at times. Parenting....really adulting in general, is HARD WORK. Sometimes we need a breather. Sometimes we need a friend like Jenny to remind us that we aren't alone and we are reading the right map - just maybe upside down. So, I am here now and tomorrow may be easier. Even if it's not, I am surrounded by love and that has to be enough.