Being Here

I just finished an amazing book. I probably say that a fair bit but I hardly ever say it about a nonfiction book. So, this is a REALLY amazing book – How to be Here by Rob Bell. I blew through it and on almost every other page I found myself nodding my head and his thoughts totally resonating with me and where I’m at right now. He doesn’t waste time with a lot of ancillary details and just gets to the point – not necessarily one of my strong suits but I totally appreciate that about him as an author.

Some days it is easier to be HERE than others. This past Sunday I walked with my kids as they played golf. The weather was amazing, they were both having a great time and my only responsibilities were walking, sunscreening and hydrating. Easy to be present. Last week I met a friend at my favorite coffee shop, we sat outside and chatted and then walked Annie. Easy to be here.

A week or so ago I found myself in the midst of a code gray that was unfolding at work. A code gray is indicative of an aggressive patient or visitor. They aren’t fun to be a part of because tensions are heightened and there is the potential for someone to get hurt. Security arrived and everything resolved well, but, a little harder to embrace the present and realize there is something to be learned from the experience. Same can be said when I am with a patient that is taking a turn for the worse or gets a difficult diagnosis. It is so important to stay present and be available but challenging when emotions run high.

These middle school years can be a roller coaster. When things are good – kids are talking to us, getting along with their friends, feeling confident in school and relationships, it can be fun and energizing to be around them. When they are talking back, complaining about our electronic restrictions or feeling left out, it’s hard not to wish some of this time away. That’s why this book was so timely. It was a good reminder that being here, in the present, is critical for so many reasons. In his book Bell says, … “there is a question that you can ask about the things that have come your way that you didn’t want. It’s a question rooted in a proper understanding of the world, a question we have to ask ourselves continually through our lives: what new and good thing is going to come out of even this?”

Audrey is at outdoor school. Honestly, I really miss her. She brings such a fun, sweet, silly dynamic to our crazy bunch. She has lamented about going to outdoor school for two years – since Mason went and had a less than awesome time. At first she was on the fence about going. Neither of my kids get really excited about spending time away. I’m not sure why. I would think they could use a break from us, but for whatever reason, going away has not been their thing. She decided to go but has been very nervxcited (her new word) for the past two weeks. There may have been some tears. But, now she is there. Instead of just wishing this week would pass by quickly so I know she’s okay and she can be through the hard part, I hope both of us can be present in the here. I think she will be proud of herself for conquering a fear and may really enjoy her time with friends at the beach. I am trying to remain present and enjoy the extra time I get to spend with just Mason.

So, this is one of the big things I am working on right now. Trying to not wish this time or the hard experiences away but staying present for the good and the difficult. Rob Bell says it better than I can, “While we grieve and feel and lament and express whatever is brewing within us, a truth courses through the veins of all our bumps and bruises, and it is this: We have received. You’re here, you’re breathing and you have received a gift, a generous, extraordinary, mysterious, inexplicable gift.”

Good Enough

Before I can “be better,” I have to be good enough. I love the idea of “be better.” It seems to be the unofficial motto of my kids’ golf academy, SKOUTgolf. It’s inspiring and motivating. Who doesn’t want to be better? I would probably even wear it on a shirt – right after I wear out my “not running sucks” Nike shirt. I haven’t worn that one much outside the house. I bought it in a weak moment. Sucks is not a word I let my kids use but now I have it on a sign and on a shirt. I think my mom would be horrified. I like to blame it on keeping my sanity while living with middle schoolers but maybe I am just acting like a middle schooler.

I realized over the past couple of days that as much as I love the motto “be better,” I need to be okay with “good enough” first. I tend to be my own worst critic and never quite believe that I am enough. I am always trying to work on being a better friend, parent, nurse and I imagine I will always be trying to strive for more. I am always a bit restless. But, even though there is great room for improvement, I’m okay now. I have a good relationship with my kids, most days. I like to think my patients feel cared for and that I am fairly competent, most days.

I was talking to Audrey the other night about school. Audrey was lamenting over the fact that school seems to come easier for Mason. He’s in TAG and advanced math and doesn’t ever seem to study all that much. At times she feels like she doesn’t measure up. My heart broke for her in that moment and I could totally relate to where she was coming from. Growing up, my sister was the TAG kid who not only seemed to be ahead of me academically but she also was better at the sports we both played. I was never as fast or as good on the field.

I tried to encourage Audrey. To remind her of all her gifts and talents. She is smart, kind and empathetic. There are definitely things that come easier to her than to Mason but they are less tangible than school and that’s hard to explain to an 11-year-old who feels a bit in the shadow. In that moment, I realized that not only do I need to continue to encourage her and build her up, I need to also model to her that I believe I am good enough. Instead of criticizing myself and focusing on my shortcomings, I need to show her that I am confident, secure and enough as I am.

I oriented to a new job this week. Same hospital, same unit, just a different role. I won’t have my own patient group when I am there but I will interact, and ideally, support all the patients and nurses. I have to wear a name badge that says “nurse leader.” Not a huge fan of the name badge. Feels like when someone puts the Christian Fish on their car. Once the label is there, I kind of expect you to drive better, be more courteous, kind and responsible. I feel the same way with the Nurse Leader badge. Now I need to be more competent, smarter, more responsible, than say, yesterday. I have confidence issues that I won’t measure up. Yesterday I found myself apologizing to an oncoming nurse for her patient assignment that I had been responsible for creating. I knew she was going to have a busy night. She can totally handle it but I wanted to give her rainbows and unicorns…five or six lovely patients that are alert, oriented, independent and don’t require too much. In reality, this is a general medical/surgical unit. Nobody gets rainbows and unicorns. It’s just about distributing the hardest patients to make everything as manageable as possible. Clearly, I will need to work on my confidence and stop apologizing when not everything works out as well as I hoped. This role will take some growing into for me but I need to embrace that I am good enough and this is where I am supposed to be now, at this moment.

I am all about growing and trying to be better than I was yesterday, or last week or last year. But, I need to remember that I am good enough now. I need my kids to know that even though I may get on them about certain things – like Mason losing one of his belongings EVERY DAY and Audrey talking to me in that special tween tone – that they are AMAZING just as they are. They are wonderful, beautiful people made in God’s image. Once we embrace that we are good enough, I think the “be better” becomes more fun and tangible. Like the icing on the cake.