The Daunting 49

 I have wondered for three decades what I would feel like when I turned 49. I found it to loom larger than 50. My dad died when he was 49. Even as a 19 year old kid in college I knew that, although I thought of him as "ancient,” 49 was not an age you expected to have a massive heart event that ended your life in minutes.

Yesterday I turned 49. Mason is the same age I was when I lost my dad. It has caused me to be even more reflective than usual....which is saying a lot. Sorting out all my thoughts surrounding this is a bit like when you played that string game with friends when you were a kid and the string is all intertangled and you have to work together to completely unweave it. A bit jumbled in there but this is what I know.....

I have had quite a year. I got married, moved, changed my work environment, received covid vaccines, gave covid vaccines and stayed healthy during a pandemic. When I look at my life to date, I am content. I have a career I love, a partner who adores me and makes me feel special every single day and kids who seem to still like talking to me and spending time with me. I have a core group of friends that show up for me and make me laugh until I cry. 

I work with people daily who may be in their last year. It is rarely lost on me how precious this one life is. So, when I pause to think about life ending at 49 I recognize what a beautiful and full life I have had. If this was it, I haven't left anything on the table. I don't have things left unsaid or wrongs I feel I need to right. 

That being said....I sure hope 49 is not it. Considering my health seems to be working in my favor (except for unexpected high cholesterol that I recently learned about. It appears my dad left some things behind for me), I expect/hope I have decades to go. There are conversations still to be had, places to see, hikes to hike and coffee to be enjoyed. I want to take Mason to play golf in Scotland and watch Audrey graduate from high school and college. I want to see where they land. I want to go to Italy with Dan and find all the fantastic vineyards and enjoy the countryside. I want to hike with Savannah in Colorado. I want to live next to Jenny when we get old and lose some of our marbles so we can sit in rocking chairs and crack jokes with the people walking by. 

I make a list each birthday of the things I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Usually it includes the number of books I hope to read, a long run or two and a couple of other items. I didn't knock off everything on the list this year but I did pretty well. Need to up my reading game. I did have on my list to run a half marathon, which I hadn't gotten to as of two days before my birthday for various reasons....and lack of training. So, on Friday, the day before my birthday, I completed the Newberg Classic 13.1. As the sole runner, I crushed it and won every category. Good thing the competition was lacking because it wasn't pretty but I got it done...thanks in part to Dan who made sure to cheer and hydrate me along the way. As I ran around most of Newberg I thought about how fortunate I am that I have a body that is able to run 13 miles. A mind that keeps me on track, mostly. And a group of people who supports me completely. 49 seems less daunting now. So, one foot in front of the other…let’s do this.

My Ten Favorite Things in the Universe

Damn. Mental health is not to be taken lightly. I have always known this but it feels like it's hitting from all sides, publicly and privately right now. We are watching Olympic athletes pushed to the brink who are standing up and saying enough.. I need to breathe. I will not even pretend to know what that is like. I have people close to me telling me about physical manifestations of what is most likely anxiety in disguise. Others whose anxiety is potentially keeping them from reaching their potential in certain areas of their life. On top of that add covid, the delta variant and the wild ride this past year has been. I am very good about taking the mental health needs of those around me and my patients seriously but not always my own. I am on my fifth day in a row off of work and today I had to say out loud that I was devoting it to some self care activities because the past four have been filled with yard/house chores, tasks, lists... and not so much rest. My own mental health doesn't always take priority and I know I need to be more intentional about it.

So today, I started with a trail run at Tryon Creek. I can't remember the last time I went trail running and it brings me such peace. I got lost....not uncommon, but it was great. Then I followed it with a visit to my counselor who is remarkable. We have been together for several years and she laughed and was not all surprised to hear my break day included trail running. Then I had the chance to read and hang with Audrey and now here I am. I haven't written in awhile either. I had a whole myriad of life changes at one time and it turns out one needs a bit of time to unpack, process and remember how to share toothpaste and ice cream with another individual. So...I am going to work on this - my own health. I have scheduled all my medical appointments, reached out to friends and plan to get back to hiking, trail running and paddle boarding before the summer passes me by. 

The other night Mason told me that he and Natalie, who is now at Pepperdine and I miss greatly, made a list of each of their 10 favorite things in the universe and he challenged me to do the same. It has taken me a few days because the universe is big, but it's a good reminder to slow down and remember the things I am grateful for in the midst of all the chaos, discord and stress. So, here it is:

My Ten Favorite Things IN THE UNIVERSE in no particular order  

Mason's laugh

Audrey's hugs

Dan warming my side of the bed and then tucking me in at night

Hiking/running in Forest Park, Columbia Gorge or any of the beautiful PNW

My 5:30 am daily check ins with Jenny

Coffee

Standing in front of the Pacific Ocean

The feeling of Christmas morning BEFORE all the presents are opened

My library

Riding California Screaming (now the Incredicoaster) with Mason and feeling that stomach drop crazy free feeling even if it is momentary.

How lucky am I? The next couple of weeks I am going to work more diligently at reminding myself specifically what I am grateful for AND taking care of my physical and mental health. Audrey got in my space the other day when I was negative self talking and exclaimed "DON'T TALK TO MY GOOD FRIEND THAT WAY." It made me laugh out loud but she had a point. We talk to ourselves way worse than we would ever talk to a friend or loved one. I am a big believer in counseling and talking to someone who is not within your sphere so if you need any resources for counselors or just someone to listen...hit me up. The world is a big, weird, sometimes unkind place. No reason to go it alone.