Me.She.We.

I made a birthday bucket list in October - things I hope to accomplish in the year. It included hiking the Grand Canyon and reading a certain number of books. I am actually just about done. One item that was still outstanding was running a half marathon that I never had before. I run one every year but they tend to be repeats - not that I mind. I have found some lovely routes and have my favorite races. But this year I was challenging myself to run a new one. When I put this on my list I thought it would be more of a destination race. Like maybe a friend and I would make a trip out of a half marathon in Victoria or back East. Somewhere more exciting. I looked at a few but nothing was grabbing me or seeming like it would work out so I just kept increasing my mileage and figured something would reveal itself.

About two weeks ago I saw an ad for the Me.She.We. half in Wilsonville - not quite the destination that I had been thinking. I ignored it the first time but then it kept coming up on social media. The plans I had for this Saturday got cancelled unexpectedly and that was the day of the half. The ad came up again so I took a closer look. It's a really small race - This is how they describe it : "Me.She.We. Women's Half Marathon is an all women's run focused on celebrating and supporting runners of all abilities. Me.She.We.was created on the belief that everyone deserves a positive and supportive running environment. In order to create that, Me.She.We.eliminates any feeling of intimidation or inadequacy that many race environments create. Instead, Me.She.We. is a supportive space, that when you leave you feeling empowered and accomplished." Okay...sold. I like that. That pretty much sums up my last year. I have not done it alone. I have made it through this year with the support and encouragement of other women in my life. So I signed up. It wasn't the half marathon I had in mind when I made my bucket list but the description and the timing spoke to me.

Things have been a bit dark the past month in particular. Huge learning curve with the new job and I don't seem able to give myself any grace. It has been brutal. It has consumed all my energy and good will I'm afraid. Joy has been a bit harder to come by. I try to start each day optimistic but am much less so by the end. This defeat definitely then spills over into home life. The other night Mason and I were arguing over something - probably time management if I had to guess - and I lost my marbles. I channeled my inner drama queen and said something to the affect "I can no longer draw from a bucket that is empty." Um...not my best moment. This is a thought that should remain in my head and not shared in frustration with my 17 year old son. Mason looked a little concerned. But, I kid you not, 30 seconds later I got a text from one of my amazing friends and this is what it said "You are beautiful and enough and I love you." That was it. And it reminded me in that instant, my bucket is not empty. These beautiful women are continually filling it. You see, I get texts like that just about every day from this amazing group of women in my life. Women who have seen me at my worst and love me anyway.

I shared this text with Mason. Apologized for being so dramatic and spent and we worked through our differences. I then signed up for the race. I wasn't 100 percent sure I was ready but I felt like this was the run I was supposed to do - a run that was supportive of all women - meeting everyone where they were at...honoring all the effort regardless of the time it took them to complete their race. There were no special medals for people who finished first - everyone received the same support and honor. I can't say that my 13 miles was harder than the 10K that the woman next to me in the parking lot completed. I don't know her journey. Maybe that 10K was the farthest she had ever gone. It doesn't matter. She deserves the same applause.

So this weekend I ran my 13.1 miles. I showed up alone. I didn't know anyone else there - but it didn't matter. I felt supported and encouraged by all the women who participated - and the ones in my life who keep cheering me through the dark and the light. It was a great, beautiful run. I pr'd my 10K (because I suck at pacing) and then the last half slowed down. The scenery was phenomenal and it was nice to remember that even though I am in the midst of a steep learning curve in some areas, in others I have hit a stride. It was nice to feel competent and strong again even if it was out on the road rather than in my scrubs - that will come. It was a good reminder when we are in the midst of something new, lean on the comfortable at times even if it is just for the boost of confidence. It might be enough to get you through. It was also nice to be reminded that my bucket is indeed not empty but really quite full.

Courage to Change

This year has been full of changes.....so many it is almost dizzying. The irony is, I am not a huge fan of change. I am not always spontaneous and my initial response that I have to push past is, no, that sounds uncomfortable. So...for some one who doesn't like change, this year has been mind boggling.

I had no idea that changing jobs would be SO HARD. I am still in nursing. I have thought about oncology for awhile now. But actually making the change...unbelievably hard. Pink just came out with a brilliant new album...Hurts 2B Human. I love it. I love her. I find she speaks a lot of hard truth through her music - often interlaced with a lot of four letters words which I loudly try to sing over when my kids are around. They tell me not to worry about it so much...they have heard much worse at school. Anyhow, one of her songs is called "Courage." When I first heard it, I liked it but didn't give the message too much thought...until I started my new job. Then, with each passing day, I started to listen to the lyrics more carefully. "Have I the courage to change? Have I the courage to change?" Repeat.

Guess what??? Changing jobs takes FAR MORE courage than I anticipated. This is hard work. I was a good, competent medical/surgical nurse. I was generally liked. I understood my role. I could perform in an emergency. Oncology nursing? I don't always know what I am doing. I am a beginner. Even more than I thought. I am working with nurses that have been doing this 8+ years. They are like a family and I am the odd one out. I have a lot of questions. A lot. Being a beginner again is kind of a blow to the confidence and the ego.

So each morning, during my workout, I have started listening to Pink's words more carefully....do I have the courage to change? Can I trust in this process? Can I believe that my interest, desire and baseline skills will help move me past beginner eventually? Can I keep walking in with a knot in my stomach and sometimes crying in my car after work believing that I will get this? That I will eventually become skilled and competent again even thought it seems a stretch at the moment?

I can't say I always answer yes to these questions. It has been a hard several weeks. Don't get me wrong - the nurses and staff have been amazing. They are kind and I think I am way harder on myself than they are on me. When I asked my preceptor if I was even close to where she thought I should be, she didn't hesitate and said "I think you are ahead." Funny because I feel like an idiot. But, it was reassuring for a second.

But....in my best moments, when I stop long enough to hear my own voice...I do say yes. Yes, I have the courage to change. Yes, this is what I want. Yes, it is CRUMMY to feel like a beginner again instead of any expert but being stagnant just for comfort isn't the best alternative. I finished this book last month where one of the messages suggested not to worry about being the best, but be the best at getting better. (The Passion Paradox) I like that.

And, when I can't convince myself, I look to my amazing support system. That's the truest thing I have learned before embarking on any scary change...check to see who is with you. You have to have at least three or four people standing there as your cheering section. And I'm not talking people who tell you "oh you will be great." I am talking about people who will take your call when you are crying in your car. People who will meet you for pizza and beer after their 12 hour shift because they know you are in a rough spot. People who say "I will sit with you in the dark until you can see the light." I am fortunate enough to have these people and I have leaned on them tremendously the last year. They are my flashlights reminding me that growth can involve some painful stretching...but I am up to the task.

I know it will get easier but in the meantime, I am singing along to Pink each morning as I lift weights convincing myself that I have the courage to meet this day and continue to be a beginner. It's going to take awhile... but sometimes the best things do. And I can't forget the patients I have met. I have met some truly beautiful people. Beautiful. I spent some time talking to a women with a pretty poor prognosis. She knew I was new. Everyone knows I am new because most have been coming for months, if not years, to the oncology clinic AND I also usually have another nurse with me since I am training = a sure sign of a newbie. After spending some time with this woman she was getting ready to go and she looks at me very sincerely and she says, "You are going to be great here. I can tell. Really great." My heart exploded. This is it. If she has the courage to keep showing up, I have the courage too.