I have wondered for three decades what I would feel like when I turned 49. I found it to loom larger than 50. My dad died when he was 49. Even as a 19 year old kid in college I knew that, although I thought of him as "ancient,” 49 was not an age you expected to have a massive heart event that ended your life in minutes.
Yesterday I turned 49. Mason is the same age I was when I lost my dad. It has caused me to be even more reflective than usual....which is saying a lot. Sorting out all my thoughts surrounding this is a bit like when you played that string game with friends when you were a kid and the string is all intertangled and you have to work together to completely unweave it. A bit jumbled in there but this is what I know.....
I have had quite a year. I got married, moved, changed my work environment, received covid vaccines, gave covid vaccines and stayed healthy during a pandemic. When I look at my life to date, I am content. I have a career I love, a partner who adores me and makes me feel special every single day and kids who seem to still like talking to me and spending time with me. I have a core group of friends that show up for me and make me laugh until I cry.
I work with people daily who may be in their last year. It is rarely lost on me how precious this one life is. So, when I pause to think about life ending at 49 I recognize what a beautiful and full life I have had. If this was it, I haven't left anything on the table. I don't have things left unsaid or wrongs I feel I need to right.
That being said....I sure hope 49 is not it. Considering my health seems to be working in my favor (except for unexpected high cholesterol that I recently learned about. It appears my dad left some things behind for me), I expect/hope I have decades to go. There are conversations still to be had, places to see, hikes to hike and coffee to be enjoyed. I want to take Mason to play golf in Scotland and watch Audrey graduate from high school and college. I want to see where they land. I want to go to Italy with Dan and find all the fantastic vineyards and enjoy the countryside. I want to hike with Savannah in Colorado. I want to live next to Jenny when we get old and lose some of our marbles so we can sit in rocking chairs and crack jokes with the people walking by.
I make a list each birthday of the things I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Usually it includes the number of books I hope to read, a long run or two and a couple of other items. I didn't knock off everything on the list this year but I did pretty well. Need to up my reading game. I did have on my list to run a half marathon, which I hadn't gotten to as of two days before my birthday for various reasons....and lack of training. So, on Friday, the day before my birthday, I completed the Newberg Classic 13.1. As the sole runner, I crushed it and won every category. Good thing the competition was lacking because it wasn't pretty but I got it done...thanks in part to Dan who made sure to cheer and hydrate me along the way. As I ran around most of Newberg I thought about how fortunate I am that I have a body that is able to run 13 miles. A mind that keeps me on track, mostly. And a group of people who supports me completely. 49 seems less daunting now. So, one foot in front of the other…let’s do this.
