At work Christmas lights are up, stockings are out and it is quite festive. They even made me my own stocking with my name on it, so I guess I'm in. It is lovely. And the nice gifts we have received! This was so rare at the hospital but at my new place, this past week has brought a stream of chocolate, cookies, ornaments and well wishes. I have my own difficulties at times with the holidays but enjoy much of the celebration and traditions. Even amidst all the joy and kindness, this quote lingered with me.
My coworker turned to me towards the end of my shift on Friday and asked me my weekend plans and said "is it terrible if I say I don't really enjoy Christmas?" "No," I said, without hesitation. Not at all. I know enough about her home life to know that this season is full of challenges, stress and some fear. I don't know how she does it and was glad she could be honest with me. Later, I talked to a friend about her plans for Christmas. She has scheduled herself intentionally with various activities because it is her first Christmas since her husband's death.
But it is an image of one of my patients burned in my mind that I really can't shake. She was my last patient scheduled for the day. I have had her before and enjoy taking care of her. We are not much different in age. She is kind, positive and fighting a brutal cancer. She goes to a different location for her longer treatment day so her time with us is brief. I looked forward to seeing her and knew it would be a good end to my day.
As I approached her, she was decked out in Christmas attire because she had just come from a work celebration. But, something seemed really off. She looked spirited in dress, but was crying. As I got her settled and started talking to her, she told me that after her infusion, she was going to go home and have to put her dog to sleep. Instead of having him accompany her on her Christmas trip to visit family in another state, she was losing her companion. A few days earlier, the dog had an event which led to a trip to the vet and in quick succession a terminal diagnosis with very little time left. My patient was heartbroken. This had been her faithful companion for well over a decade. She showed me pictures. I sat with her for a bit and then felt like she needed some time to herself. As I walked back to my desk, I had an internal conversation with God. "This is TOO much. This seems so unfair." The cancer was enough. More than enough. Actually, even too much. But she was showing up for her infusions, showing up to work and staying as kind and positive as she could. But her dog? At Christmas? Really?
She cried through most of her time at the clinic. I told her the only thing I could...that I was so, so, so very sorry. And, I can't stop thinking about her still. My heart goes out to her. After she left, I felt like God answered back. He reminded me that it isn't fair. It is heartbreaking. And living in this world can be so hard and so painful at times. It's part of living in such a broken world. And what He does, and what we can do, is to show up in the midst of it. To sit with someone in their heartache and say, I see you. We can say, I am so, so, sorry. We can hear that they don't like Christmas and be okay with it.
I am not trying to be a fun sponge. I am just trying to process my last couple of days and maybe throw out a reminder that while we are enjoying the festivities we remember and acknowledge the people near us that might not be reveling in the season or just be okay if we realize we are struggling too. I think that's a big part of what Christmas is really about anyway, right? It's about showing and sharing love because we are loved. Merry Christmas.
