We are all trying to find our groove and it might take us until fall but this weekend has provided a nice moment to breathe and reevaluate everything that has happened so far and where we all are. Last week was a wild one. I get one week off this summer. I negotiated it at the start of my new job and even so, it was hard to come by. The week was going to be centered around a golf tournament near Boston and several college visits. About a week ago I had just finished details, travel arrangements and Mason had been talking to some schools. I love Boston and was excited to spend the week with him there. I was down to just renting a car but everything else was in place...until it wasn’t.
There are a couple events with Oregon Junior Golf that you get invited to based on how you have played in several summer tournaments. When we made the arrangements to Boston we knew that it conflicted with one of these events, the Junior America’s Cup. The top four boys in points for the season go as a team, this year the host is Canada, and they represent Oregon. When I asked Mason about a month ago he assured me it most likely wasn’t a reality for him. He hadn’t been playing as well as he would have liked and was not near the top four. So we planned. As I was on the 18th hole of his three day tournament last week, one of my friends and the mom of another golfer, asked me if I realized Mason might be one of the four. Poor woman. Totally caught me off guard. Not on my radar. "Are you sure?” I asked in a bit of a panic. She thought so and asked if Mason had his passport. Um...no. Because he’s going to Boston, not Canada?
To make a long story short, he made the team. It was announced right after the tournament. It’s a bit of a blur. He’s looking at me wondering if he can actually go on this trip? No idea. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I told him I was proud of him. I was. I am. But my head was spinning. I’m not great with change. I would love to tell you at that moment I smiled, clapped and was at peace that it would all work out. That would be bullshit. I unraveled. I talked to both Masons’ coaches lamenting what to do. They were gracious and kind as my head spun. We were then ushered to a parents’ meeting that talked about all the details of the Canada trip and the boys tried on these fancy green blazers they all wear to the banquet. As I am half processing these details, I am running through my choice to pick “nonrefundable” on some of the hotels and airline tickets to Boston to save money. It was too much. We asked the Oregon Junior Golf guy that takes the boys how long we had to decide if Mason could go- he gave us until the next morning. As we sat there in the meeting I realized I was beyond overwhelmed. It was too much. I looked at one of the other moms and said “I have to go.” She was so gracious. She knew the situation and saw me in the moment. She held the door open for me and said “you go. It’s okay.” I knew she had my back. Bless her. I just needed a few minutes to breathe...To realize this trip with Mason and me might not happen...To realize that this decision, while mine to speak into and guide, would be more up to Mason.
I came back a few minutes later and took it all in. Mason, Michael and I left the course and hashed it out over burgers and beer. Actually, come to think of it, I was the only one with burgers and beer, but we hashed it out nonetheless. He’s going to Canada. He will take a red eye when they are done mid week and meet me for three whirlwind days in Boston. One of the schools won’t consider him since he isn’t playing in the Boston tournament. Unfortunate - but trade offs. This is what he wants to do. This is his dream. I get to be a part of it, but can't control it. Mason and I have had some great conversations since. He told me he wishes I hadn’t been so stressed at the time and we could have just enjoyed the moment. That was hard to hear but it’s honest. I told him I know. I wish that too. But then I also went on to tell him that even though I wish that, it’s also part of who I am. I’m not carefree. I usually have multiple things spinning in my mind at a time. I internalize a lot so sometimes, when there is too much, I get stressed and messy, it is part of who I am. I will continue to work on it, but some of it is how I’m wired. And I think some of the traits that are hard at times- the extra feely ones- make me a good nurse, a good friend and, most of the time, a good mom.
I debated what I was going to do about my Boston trip. The idea of exploring Boston by myself is exciting for a day or two but not five. So I half jokingly said to my beautiful friend, come with? And she is. AMAZING. And when the day after all the decisions were made and I woke up with an emotional hangover...feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable that some people had seen me spin and not at my best... what does this friend say?? “But this is one of the things I love about you. If you were someone who were always capable of keeping it together, I can’t go to Boston with those kind. I adore you when you’re together. But I also count on your mess. That’s how I know my mess is safe with you.” Beautiful. Boston and Canada here we come.
