This year has been full of changes.....so many it is almost dizzying. The irony is, I am not a huge fan of change. I am not always spontaneous and my initial response that I have to push past is, no, that sounds uncomfortable. So...for some one who doesn't like change, this year has been mind boggling.
I had no idea that changing jobs would be SO HARD. I am still in nursing. I have thought about oncology for awhile now. But actually making the change...unbelievably hard. Pink just came out with a brilliant new album...Hurts 2B Human. I love it. I love her. I find she speaks a lot of hard truth through her music - often interlaced with a lot of four letters words which I loudly try to sing over when my kids are around. They tell me not to worry about it so much...they have heard much worse at school. Anyhow, one of her songs is called "Courage." When I first heard it, I liked it but didn't give the message too much thought...until I started my new job. Then, with each passing day, I started to listen to the lyrics more carefully. "Have I the courage to change? Have I the courage to change?" Repeat.
Guess what??? Changing jobs takes FAR MORE courage than I anticipated. This is hard work. I was a good, competent medical/surgical nurse. I was generally liked. I understood my role. I could perform in an emergency. Oncology nursing? I don't always know what I am doing. I am a beginner. Even more than I thought. I am working with nurses that have been doing this 8+ years. They are like a family and I am the odd one out. I have a lot of questions. A lot. Being a beginner again is kind of a blow to the confidence and the ego.
So each morning, during my workout, I have started listening to Pink's words more carefully....do I have the courage to change? Can I trust in this process? Can I believe that my interest, desire and baseline skills will help move me past beginner eventually? Can I keep walking in with a knot in my stomach and sometimes crying in my car after work believing that I will get this? That I will eventually become skilled and competent again even thought it seems a stretch at the moment?
I can't say I always answer yes to these questions. It has been a hard several weeks. Don't get me wrong - the nurses and staff have been amazing. They are kind and I think I am way harder on myself than they are on me. When I asked my preceptor if I was even close to where she thought I should be, she didn't hesitate and said "I think you are ahead." Funny because I feel like an idiot. But, it was reassuring for a second.
But....in my best moments, when I stop long enough to hear my own voice...I do say yes. Yes, I have the courage to change. Yes, this is what I want. Yes, it is CRUMMY to feel like a beginner again instead of any expert but being stagnant just for comfort isn't the best alternative. I finished this book last month where one of the messages suggested not to worry about being the best, but be the best at getting better. (The Passion Paradox) I like that.
And, when I can't convince myself, I look to my amazing support system. That's the truest thing I have learned before embarking on any scary change...check to see who is with you. You have to have at least three or four people standing there as your cheering section. And I'm not talking people who tell you "oh you will be great." I am talking about people who will take your call when you are crying in your car. People who will meet you for pizza and beer after their 12 hour shift because they know you are in a rough spot. People who say "I will sit with you in the dark until you can see the light." I am fortunate enough to have these people and I have leaned on them tremendously the last year. They are my flashlights reminding me that growth can involve some painful stretching...but I am up to the task.
I know it will get easier but in the meantime, I am singing along to Pink each morning as I lift weights convincing myself that I have the courage to meet this day and continue to be a beginner. It's going to take awhile... but sometimes the best things do. And I can't forget the patients I have met. I have met some truly beautiful people. Beautiful. I spent some time talking to a women with a pretty poor prognosis. She knew I was new. Everyone knows I am new because most have been coming for months, if not years, to the oncology clinic AND I also usually have another nurse with me since I am training = a sure sign of a newbie. After spending some time with this woman she was getting ready to go and she looks at me very sincerely and she says, "You are going to be great here. I can tell. Really great." My heart exploded. This is it. If she has the courage to keep showing up, I have the courage too.
