To be fair, I don't like shopping even on my best day. Never have. My mom said I was a real pain whenever I had to go shopping as a kid. I always said I had a headache. Maybe it had to do with those 800 perfume smells in the department stores perhaps? Headache perceived or real, I dislike shopping greatly. I can think of 100 things I would rather do than shop - most of them involving being outside. So, I approach each back to school shopping adventure with a bit of dread.
Mason and I are super compatible shoppers. We are in and out of a store in 20 minutes. It's great. No sweat. Audrey and I...not so much. I have tried different strategies, including having other people take her so it's more fun for everyone but this year I felt like I needed to do it. I tried to make it an adventure, we included the Nike Employee Store (which I still dislike but at least I can get a new pair of running shoes with this trip), Starbucks, Cafe Yumm and then we headed to the Woodburn Outlet Mall.
We had agreed on going to just two stores - the Nike Outlet and American Eagle. I was prepped, caffeinated, fed and full of positivity. Truly. Until we got to American Eagle. Audrey was ecstatic as she gleefully went around and picked out 150 things to try on. Mason even found a few things, tried them on and was done in a record five minutes....and then we waited.
Audrey was no longer chatting with us from inside her dressing room. She had gone pretty quiet. Finally I asked her if she was okay. A long pause and then a super discouraged voice. "I don't like any of it. None of it fits." And then I remembered one of the biggest reason I don't like shopping.....this. How clothes, sizes and fit can change the way you feel about yourself in an instant. I knew that voice coming to me from the other side of the dressing room. I have been that voice. Why can't I even fit my leg in to this pair of pants that is supposed to be my size? Why is this shirt so small? Why is my body not what I thought it was?
I am convinced that whomever invented skinny jeans was either a man or someone who didn't have hips or wished they didn't. They did not make these clothes for strong, muscular women. And, even those of us who think we have a pretty good body image, can be reduced to tears in a dressing room in a matter of minutes.
Mason was standing next to me as this was happening. I got a very familiar pit in my stomach as I began to understand what Audrey was experiencing and trying to desperately figure out the right words to say while dealing with my own memories and feelings related to body image. Mason turns to me and says, "what's the big deal? I'm a bigger size than I was last year." I turned to him and said, "pay attention here. This is an important lesson. This will happen to your sister again and probably to girls you date in the future. This is a real issue. Girls look at the numbers and the models and wonder why their body doesn't look the same or fit into the size they thought it did or should. The sadness and image issues are real." I don't remember exactly what I said to Audrey but I did ask her if I could go pick up some different sizes or look for something for her. I told her what I firmly believe, most of the clothes are not made for 5'9 strong girls and....I am sorry. And I was. How can I keep promoting the message of being strong, healthy and active and not worrying about numbers when an industry is telling her something else? How can I make my voice louder? How can I be more than "you are just saying that because you are my mom?"
I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I can do is keep repeating what I know to be true. My kids are beautiful, strong, kind independent beings and exactly who they are supposed to be. I hope it is enough.
