Lobe you forever

First, to my friends who have sent their kids to college prior to this year, I’m sorry. I had no idea what you were going through or how hard it was. I am sure I didn’t check on you often enough. I now know better.

Now, for those of you are on the brink of this and maybe were blessed with extra feelers, you may not want to read this. Just move along and reach out to me when it’s over for you. Because I do not want to do what I just did ever again. Ever. Don’t worry, Audrey has been alerted and will have to figure out a way to just stay home. Right now she’s just mostly hugging me and nodding.

I don’t know how one leaves part of their heart somewhere else and then walks away. How do we spend countless hours with this human....teaching them to walk, read, sleep, share, play nice, apologize, work hard and then leave them in this teeny tiny room with a stranger and walk away? This is a thing? My heart is definitely opposed to this. 

This decision to go to Valparaiso University was a whirlwind. We had never seen campus before. But, we prepared, packed and planned and, on Sunday, we arrived in Chicago. After a short visit with dear friends who we are very grateful will be near Mason, Michael, Audrey, Mason and  I headed to Valparaiso, Indiana. We arrived Monday. I was relieved that Mason likes the campus. It’s a very small school with a great engineering program. He got to move in ahead of most because he was part of the final orientation group. Our move in time coincided well with a powerful and violent thunderstorm. We watched from our hotel as outside got dark, the wind picked up, the rain came down wildly and our lights went out. Of course Mason was still anxious to move in. We waited until at least the winds died down and the lightning  stopped because...you know...carrying golf clubs on campus in a lightning storm...

Mason got to stay two nights in his dorm with hardly anyone else there. I think that was a good option for him. He seemed more comfortable with the idea of dorm life after.  A couple of years ago he told me he wasn’t sure he could move away for college. Then before I knew it he was gaining confidence and looking Midwest and East Coast. His confidence has grown so much but the extra days were helpful. Orientation was good and the golf coach fabulous. 

Valparaiso is truly a great fit for Mason. He’s rooming with the other freshmen golfer who we just met. They already made plans to golf right after move in. They seem perfect for one another. Everything is right about this place for Mason. I see it.  I was skeptical about their Covid precautions but after hearing several presentations I know they have thought it through. There is a chance it won’t work and Mason will be home within the month, but maybe it will? Who really knows? He is masked, covid tested and attending hybrid, in person and online classes.

So....everything should be great. Easy. This is how it’s supposed to be. But....guess what???  I found the second purpose of a mask! To hide the terrible thing my face does when it cries. Yes. Been crying regularly. Wondered if I would kick into tough mode once we got here. Nope. Not a chance. I even asked Mason to start being difficult to make it easier. Trouble is, I like the kid. Of course I love him but I also actually like him. He’s one of my favorite people to talk to. He’s funny, kind and wicked smart. He and Audrey have become even better friends with Covid and distancing. I will miss his company, his face and his hugs.

He has been feeling more apprehensive  as well as excited as the time we were to leave drew nearer. I am not projecting, he told me this. New is hard. New everything even harder. But here we are. I knew we were in trouble as the day started growing late and I started crying when ANOTHER mom and her son were saying goodbye. I did not even know these people! Both kids looked at me...”mom...you okay?” Nope. We said goodbye shortly after.

Here’s the thing. I am not okay. I just said goodbye to Mason. He is one of my very favorite humans whom I have talked to or seen every day of his life. His laugh is one of my favorite sounds of all time. He is starting this next journey of his life with me cheering from the side....miles and a couple time zones away. I have had a blessed life but I have also done some hard shit and this might have been the hardest.

I WILL be okay. Mason will be great. This I just know. And this knowledge does give me some peace. For now I miss him like crazy and may have to randomly mask and sunglass up even when not necessary to work it out. I remember being told when I had my babies about the sleep, the feeding, the medical...I do not remember anyone saying ...”and then 18 years later you will send them into the world and your heart will break.” But apparently that’s what happens.

Somewhere  in the last couple of years autocorrect changed a text from me to him from love you forever to lobe you forever and it stuck. We have been saying this ever since. So, my Valparaiso Crusader who is now an Indiana resident and embarking on a new journey...your momma lobes you forever. 👂♾❤️

Keep Pivoting Until You Dance

I have not felt able to write for quite awhile. Since the pandemic, I have had trouble wading through many of my thoughts and feelings. Much of the time I have just felt like I was on a merry go round that would not stop. On occasion it feels like it is slowing down but then someone comes along and gives it another push.

In the midst of the world crazy, we had a little of our own kind of crazy. Mason texted me at work one morning and asked if I could call him. We don't generally talk when I am at work and it was a busy morning. I told him I probably wouldn't get a break until lunch and was that okay? He said "no problem. That's fine." A few moments later I got a text from a friend saying they were so sorry about the news but they had confidence Mason would be fine. Ummmmm....I knew I was missing a crucial piece of information. So, I took my phone into the supply room and tried to reach Mason. On a zoom call that morning, Mason learned that Brown cut their golf program, along with several other sports. The school Mason had committed to attend and play golf for back in November would no longer have a competitive golf program. In the moment, I will say that Mason handled the news more graciously than I did. While I cried amongst the wound care supplies, Mason said he knew we would figure it out. I also instructed Mason on texts. Seeing your college dream crumble is not a "wait until lunch" text. It's a "mom, call me now, " text.

I will spare you the details but the last month or so has involved looking at options. Talking to golf programs and coaches, zoom calls, touring campus's virtually, spreadsheets and many difficult conversations. Michael, Sebastian, Mason and I have met a few times to share thoughts, questions, options and to listen. We did not all share the same opinion and Mason knew this. We all brought a different perspective to the conversation. But, despite our feelings, we all knew the two most important things - that the decision belonged to Mason AND that he would have our support whatever he decided.

Father's Day he had it down to two schools. Brown was still a strong contender. He could still attend. He would pursue Engineering and play club golf. Most of the team is staying and will play club golf with the same coach. They will likely get invited to some of the tournaments but as a club team, they don't have the ability to qualify and have all the same opportunities that a varsity sport has. He loved Brown. It was his dream school when it offered BOTH golf and engineering. He had met the golf team and enjoyed them immensely. He loved the campus. He loved the open curriculum that allows him to pursue engineering but still take other classes that interest him such as English....BUT he has always wanted to play competitive college golf. It has been his dream for a very long time and Brown was no longer providing that opportunity.

Valpraiso was the other school that had emerged from the group. Valpraiso is a small school in Indiana. They have a competitive Division 1 golf team. They had a freshman they had recruited that was no longer attending. They were interested in bringing Mason on. The coach was interested, encouraging, personable and persistent. Valpraiso also has a good engineering program. It might not have the academic program diversity Brown has, but it had the golf he dreamed of. He was torn. We had given him all the input we could and now it was up to him. So, Sunday afternoon, in honor of Father's Day, I asked him to do what my dad would have done. My dad, who ironically had a huge passion for golf and would have been one of Mason's biggest fans, would always take out a yellow legal pad and make a pros and cons list. So, I told Mason to make his pro and con list for each school and bring it with him to the river. I was on my paddeboard and Audrey and Mason were in a double kayak. In the middle of the Tualatin River, away from the people, I told him to read us his lists. He had a lot of great points for each school. He had well thought out arguments for both. We listened and asked questions. At the end he said he just didn't know. I told him that was okay. He would figure it out. We enjoyed the rest of our adventure, returned home and he was showering getting ready for dinner with his Dad. After he was showered and dressed, he walked out of his room and with confidence said, "Mom, it's Valpraiso." I said, "okay, it's Valpraiso." And it is. Today he signed his letter of intent to play golf at Valpraiso. He leaves early August.

This kid. I could not be more proud. Someone asked me how I felt. Beyond the excitement and relief, I told them I felt a little sad. I was sad that he was passing on what I am sure is a pretty amazing, well rounded education. He is passing up on Boston and a wonderful and more diverse campus. But, I would have also been sad if he picked Brown. I would have been sad that he was letting go of this dream of playing competitive golf and wondered if he would regret it. There was a bit of a loss either way. But this was his decision. I know with 100 percent certainty that he made this decision for him. He thought long and hard about what he wanted. Mason takes this part of his journey alone. He cannot live someone else's dream. This is his. And he is going for it. He is confident, kind, thoughtful, smart AND a college golfer. He knows he is all of these things so he picked the only one he could pick.

So tonight we had signing day #2. A group of his friends, several who were with him on signing day #1, joined us and we celebrated. Celebrated this kid who had taken an adverse situation and made it into something full of potential and opportunity. With each turn the past few months where things didn't go as expected....over and over....he has pivoted. He has shown more graciousness and courage than most. He has pivoted so many times and he has not wavered or become dizzy. He has just kept going.

So here is to you my amazing Mason. This is your moment...again. You remind me that when one dream doesn't work out, you keep looking until you see the next one waiting behind it. Go do great things and know that you are loved.