I saw this quote the other day on a friend's facebook feed "Everybody has a chapter they don't read out loud." Yep. This is so true. I know it in my life and the lives I see every time I go to work. Some chapters are meant to be shared and some aren't. Despite having a blog and probably divulging more than my kids would like me to - especially when it's about them - I generally consider myself a private person. There are things I intentionally leave out. Not every thing is meant for public consumption. That's why I struggle writing this...
I am currently in the midst of a chapter I would prefer to not read out loud. The problem is, I don't think it's fair if I leave it for my kids to do on my behalf and I am starting to see that happening. So, here goes....Michael and I got a divorce. I am in the process of buying a house that should close first week in August. While I know this will come as a surprise to many friends and acquaintances, this has not happened suddenly and I trust that if you know us well, you know that this is not a spur of a moment decision. Nobody is going through a mid life crisis. There is no victim and villain in this story. There is just a family trying to navigate a very new and difficult situation with as much grace and love as possible.
We are sad. This is a difficult time and we have two AMAZING kids that we will continue to love and support and we ask that you do the same. I guess my other ask would be related to another quote I saw on my feed the other day: "Check on Your Strong Friends." Everyone has a story. Most we don't know.
We have had a big month around here and we still have a week to go. Audrey returned home from Malibu full of stories and in love with Young Life's camp located in the Princess Louisa Inlet in British Columbia. She also returned home with bronchitis that took forever to clear and now she is following it with a stomach virus. Mason's month has been much more positive. He wrapped up his high school golf season with a great finish at the State tournament. I definitely was not that passionate about anything as a kid so it is fun to watch him pursue his dreams. I was never asking my mom to wake me up at 5:15 so I could do anything before school - particularly anything that involved sweating. It was definitely a highlight to see his dedication and perseverance through this season and he can hardly wait for summer golf.
As if that wasn't enough, he turned 16 last Saturday. 16. Phew. Since it wasn't a weekday, I didn't have to race to the DMV to grab a number at 8 am. We did what I am sure all 16 year old kids do for their birthday... we took 16 friends to golf for the day. He was in heaven. I had been thinking about this milestone for about a month. Once he turns 16 and starts driving his need for me changes. Let's be honest, at the age my kids are right now, most of my time with them is spent in the car. I drive them EVERYWHERE. My coworkers think it's funny that most of the meetings we have on days when I don't work, I call in.....and I am always calling from my car. If it's a meeting where we are talking about things that teenagers might find disgusting, I make them put in their ear buds. It's just what you do as a parent of kids this age. You drive. All. the. time.
Sometimes I complain about the driving - especially when they both need to be somewhere at the same time. Sometimes I get tired of being on the road and singing in the car. But, more often than not, I kind of enjoy it. We have had some really good conversations in the car. Here they are - stuck with me in a moving vehicle. A captive audience. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Mason and I especially have had good car conversations. Audrey, on the other hand, will often turn her full body away from me in the car to avoid engaging. Teenage girls are a special breed that I am still trying to figure out.
So I started thinking of how things would change when Mason started driving. I would no longer have the same concentrated time with him. I wouldn't connect with the people that I see because I am dropping him off at his activities in the same way. I am excited for him and this new sense of independence. He is a good kid. Sometimes when I say things about him to people who don't know him well, they suggest that maybe I am being naive about certain things in regards to him. I promise you...I'm not. Since age 3 this kid has felt the need to confess anything he has done wrong to me. Sometimes it has been more than I wanted to handle and as he has aged I have suggested that maybe I don't need to know EVERYTHING - just most things. But, shoot, I would take oversharing with under, ANY. DAY. I'm not naive in this area. I know my kid.
So on Monday after school we went directly to the DMV. We pulled our number and we waited. He was nervous and his eyes were inflamed and red because of allergies. I promise. Allergies. It makes for a great driver's license picture. I knew he would pass. He's a smart kid. The test took him like three minutes. And then we drove home, he grabbed Audrey and they went to dinner. Without me. As they sat in the driveway in the drivers' and passengers' seats I went through my safety words of wisdom. Finally Audrey says to me, "mom, you are causing a scene!" That's right sweetheart. It's my right to cause a scene. The kids that have been with me for 16 years are about to drive off on their own. In a car. Without me. And then they did.
I know this is just the first of many huge milestones that are coming in the near future. I know I am not emotionally prepared to handle them. Already I am looking at my weekend ahead of me not sure what it will look like. Two weeks ago it would have involved driving to a lot of activities, mostly golf. Now it will involve watching them drive away. Someone said to me, "it will be great, Now you will have time for all your hobbies." Don't get me wrong. I have hobbies. I like to run and read. I like to dig my hands in the dirt sometimes. But, I also like to hang out and talk to my kids and this will change. It will be different and it's going to take me a minute. I haven't been waiting for this time so I can start my list of 100 projects. I don't have 100 projects. I like them....mostly...at this age. I like who they are becoming and what they want to talk about is interesting.
So, it's been an emotional week. Today we picked up Mason's car and he is already at the golf course. He texted and told me he made it. He is excited. I will let him fly (after he cites the 100 safety rules) and we will figure out our new normal. At the end of his birthday I was saying goodnight to him. I hugged him and told him I was a little sad. He hugged me back and said, "I know, Mom. I am too." And then I knew for sure that we would be okay.
