Blink of the eye

Today marks 25 years since my Dad died. Miss him. I can't believe so much time has passed...until I think of all that has happened in those 25 years. I graduated from college....twice. I got married, had two kids who are now both taller than I am and have two fun, adorable nephews. Time moves on whether we want it to or not.

I have been thinking about him a lot this past month with Mason starting high school golf. I have no doubt that if he was alive, he would be Mason's Saturday morning 6 a.m. golf buddy. My dad loved to golf. He wasn't serious about it like Mason but I know he would love playing with him and watching him in his tournaments. I was feeling a little sorry for myself, walking alone at Mason's first varsity tournament yesterday. I know he would have been next to me if he was still here. But then, as I looked at the wide space next to me on the path, and over at my sweet son giving me the subtle thumbs up after a good shot, I knew he was there after all.

My dad was also quite the basketball player in his day. He would have LOVED to watch his only granddaughter in her final basketball tournament last weekend where she was the leading scorer putting up 38 points in 2 games.

I see glimpses of my Dad when I am with both kids, but in particular, I see him in Mason. Both would agree that 6:45 is sleeping in on a Saturday and have/had an amazing amount of energy - especially when it comes to things they love to do. Both encompass an unmatched exuberance for life. My Dad lived his 49 years to the fullest. He couldn't sleep the night before he first took my sister and I to Disneyland because he was SO excited. I am quite sure Mason would do the same which is why we tend to spring it on him the morning of. Same was true for Christmas. Dad was the last one to bed and the first one up. I try to think of this positively as I hear Mason rustling around every Christmas at 5:45.

When he was younger, Mason would get so excited about whatever he was doing that he would often bounce up and down without even realizing it. I loved it. I am not sure when he stopped doing it but I guess it becomes less cool to jump when you are excited and a teenager. Mason reminds me of the good qualities of my Dad which has been very fun for me the past few years. His enthusiasm for life and in particular, golf, reminds me that my Dad is still with me in a legacy he left behind. I am sure there will be great joy when the two of them meet face to face...maybe even some jumping up and down and then 18 holes.

Today I will remember and be grateful for having a Dad who adored me and taught me about enthusiasm, joy and love. He was proud of me at 19 and I like to think he would be proud of me now. I will look out at Chehalem Glenn Golf Course, located behind the hospital, while I am at work and think of how much fun he had outside and, in particular, on the golf course. I will try to treat my patients and their families with extra love and kindness in his honor. I will remember that all we are guaranteed is the now so I need to live with intention and gratitude.

Mid Life Lessons

Besides a record rainfall, February has found me attending a few yoga classes and as the owner of a new paddle board. A year ago, I would have told you neither seemed likely. The fact that I am on a yoga mat for AN HOUR is nothing short of a remarkable. I am a runner. I don't stretch before or after my runs. I realize this isn't ideal, but stretching....takes time. Never been my thing. So, when I decided to do a 30 day yoga trial I surprised even myself. The paddle board had been on my mind since loving a few outings last summer. The fact that Costco had them when I was there on Friday seemed too good to be true. So, now I own one and can hardly wait to get it out this spring.

Mason suggested that my paddle board was a  "mid life crisis" purchase. I assured him that if it is a mid life crisis purchase, it is only the beginning. I'm going big for my mid life crisis. Also, based on family genes, mid life is probably a little generous at 44. My family tree suggests I hit mid life a good five years ago. When I relayed Mason's comment to my very wise friend, her response "it's not a midlife crisis, it's having children independent enough to do some things you have been putting off. Go Debra!" Man I love my friends. Truly. She is so right.

I don't know if it is a female tendency or a mom tendency, but especially during the younger kid years, moms tend to put themselves and their needs last. I don't think it even starts intentionally. It often just happens as we scramble to figure out how to raise kids, have a job, go to school, etc. etc. And then, if you are anything like me, you have this weird guilt when your kids get a little older and you start thinking about your own needs. This nagging feeling wondering if it's okay to want things for yourself - like not just clothes without holes or not to be followed into the bathroom. Things like outings with friends that don't include kids, time to take a class or the chance to sit down and read while the kids are awake. These don't even have to be big things but somewhere along the line reading a book during the day became an impossible luxury that I didn't afford myself.

Now this is on me. I can actually go on a run and leave my kids at home if that's what I need to do. My kids are old enough to entertain themselves, be at home alone and recognize me as an independent person. I can tell them I can't take them to the mall if I am in need of time with a friend. They need to see that my job is not just to be there for them but to be there for me too. It's going to take me a little while to figure this out and to stop feeling guilty about it. It's important to me that my kids understand that their wants don't always come first. I want to get this one right because it's a lesson they will take to future relationships.

High school golf starts next week for Mason. To say he is excited would be an enormous understatement. He has been waiting for high school golf for at least 10 years. I had to hide my panic as he was giving me all the details after the informational meeting. I have no idea how he will get his clubs to school EVERY DAY and get home from the golf course and driving range. My schedule makes it a little easier because I am home a few weekdays but not EVERY DAY. For a moment I did have the thought - "this would be SO much easier if I wasn't working." I think I even said it out loud. But here's the thing...we will figure this out. We always do. It will work even if it means some nights he has to hang out at the clubhouse behind the hospital until I get off from work. He will be fine. I was meant to be a nurse AND to be Mason and Audrey's mom. They aren't mutually exclusive. All the roles make me who I am and they are learning that. Life might be easier on them if I was always around in the short term but they need to see that I get to pursue my dreams too. We can all do this together. When I suggested to Mason that he needed to ask the bus driver if he could take his clubs on the bus some days, Audrey was horrified. NOBODY takes clubs on the bus. It's not a thing. Fortunately, Mason doesn't get phased by much and said, "I'll ask. I'm sure it's fine." I am sure it is too. This will work out.

So, my kids can call my paddle board and my new interest in yoga my "mid life crisis" but I think it's just me taking care of myself which can't be such a bad thing. Who knows what's next?