The Menopausal Empty Nest Conundrum

First an important disclaimer.....There are so many terrible, big things going on in the world. I am in no way oblivious to this and I acknowledge that my ability to discuss my ongoing challenge to move through this perimenopausal, empty nest stage is a privilege.

I don't write much these days. It seems to have been the case the past couple of years I have really slowed down writing. I feel like I am swimming upstream and I don't often get out of the water long enough to evaluate what's going on. Because when I do, I have to acknowledge that the phase of life I am is challenging and, at times - sad, lonely and surprising. And I even have the benefit of a super supportive partner. I feel like a lot of days I have more questions than answers. When I stop for a moment there is not an emptiness so much as a "floaty" feeling. Like my world is not quite right.

I continue to try to make sense of the empty nest phase. I still think it's bullshit. Quick recap, you pour your heart and soul into the health, safety and care of these humans. They consume most of your waking hours and then they turn into these cool humans that move on, make decisions on their own and forget to call you at times unless they can't find their phone or need some medical advice. This is an ongoing conundrum for me because...if I did my job right, this is what was supposed to happen. But, I didn't expect it to feel bad or be so damn hard. When the kids left this time at Thanksgiving, Mason said "mom, no tears this time! Progress." Yep. Don't tell him I cried later that night.

Here's the new kicker though....turns out for many women, this empty nest syndrome aligns with perimenopause! What a delight! NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS PART. What on earth. If, like me, you had your kids sometime in your late 20's or early 30's, when they head off to college, work or whatever comes post high school, on top of navigating this empty nest.....you are also ON FIRE. In addition to the multiple fires a day, you get mood swings, sleeplessness and a host of other exciting symptoms.

Why are we not talking about empty nesters? Or menopause? When we talk about our various life phases, we stop at the kids graduating from high school or college. Do you know most of us will live hopefully decades beyond this? So, I have started talking about it. I have been talking about empty nesting for a few years and I have seen a lot of head nodding and heard "me too" from many of my friends. I am not the only one that really misses our younger humans. Or, the only one that is figuring out what life looks like now. I have been contemplating this one for four years. As I approached my 51st birthday and my amazing counselor listened me to discuss the floatiness and the meaning of life, she suggested that I make a list of all the things I still have yet to do in this one precious life. I grabbed on to the idea. Yes, let's make a list. Let's see what is still out there that I want to see, do, experience. A good list is something that I can get behind.

So, while grappling with the ongoing empty nest syndrome, I started having several small fires in my body a day. I heard someone call it "personal summers" once but I am here to reject that idea. I love summer. Summer suggests something lovely, freeing, warm. Hot flashes are none of those things. My understanding is that every woman experiences perimenopause/menopause differently but I would not consider a hot flash lovely. It's like you have suddenly walked directly into the sun and can't find the way out. This is super inconvenient if you are at work or trying to sleep. And this can repeat many, many times a day.

When I started to realize what was happening I started talking about it at work. I have a lovely group of coworkers and we spend a lot of time side by side. We have also seen a lot of shit so there isn't much I feel like I can't discuss with at least someone there. I am one of the oldest in the group but I mentioned that I am not sleeping well because of the hot flashes. Quickly another nurse starts telling me about how her life/sleep was changed when she started an estrogen patch. Hallelujah. So, I started doing my research because so much of what we have heard over the decades is the negative information regarding hormones. I found a gynecologist and started asking a lot of questions. And guess what? I am sleeping again which is good for everyone!

I am still trying to differentiate the feelings related to empty nest, menopause and just general aging. They become a confusing blob often. Just this week I had a conversation with my ob/gyn about some random symptoms I was having. I was hoping she would tell me the muscle/joint pain, faster heart rate and few extra pounds were related to the estrogen patch. I can't sit through a 2 hour car ride or a movie without having to shift positions multiple times because my legs ache. She had the audacity to tell me it wasn't the estrogen. It's just my age. For all those things. Not my favorite answer. I had a coronary calcium artery scan recently. I had asked for it. My primary care isn't as concerned about my heart or my family history as I was but she obliged and ordered the scan. The good news is, the coronary arteries look great! But the incidental diffuse osteopenia wasn't great. Don't worry, I have already increased the calcium and vitamin d and am trying to add weight bearing exercise which I should have done years ago.

My gynecologist echoed the sentiments that I really need to add weight bearing exercise because of my age, my bones, etc. Then she went on to talk about how motivation can be hard so to set realistic goals like maybe two days a week. This irritated me. I know it's just the generic talk I was getting but I wanted  to jump up and down and say "lady, you don't know me." Motivation is not my problem. I have been running pretty much every day for years now. Turns out I just wasn't always doing the right thing. And, as a nurse, I know better. I just DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I AGED. I mean I know that sounds weird  but it's true. When I looked in the mirror on my way out of the doctor I did a double take. When did I get those wrinkles? When I am at work I often don't remember or even consider that I have decades on a few of my coworkers?!?

So, here it is. If you made it to the bottom the real point of this was to say....you aren't alone. If you are reading this and experiencing an empty nest, perimenopause, or both...you aren't alone. We should be talking about these things. We should be sharing resources. And if you aren't there yet? If you are years from being there? I want you to remember this. I want you to remember to talk about this stage that is hard. Find people who will talk about it with you. Share strategies. Laugh at the absurdity of  your body suddenly being ON FIRE at the most inopportune time. Talk about how much you miss your awesome humans that you helped bring in to this world. Order the Menopause Manifesto. I did. Don't be afraid to talk about it and for my sake, please don't assume empty nesting is awesome for everyone or that hot flashes are like personal summers. Carry on.

The Consultant

I haven’t written much this past year. I have been in some type of transition that I didn’t see coming. Although, when I think about it, most transitions we don’t necessarily see coming. There are the obvious ones - starting a new school from elementary to college, moving, babies, marriage. We know about those - maybe not the degree of transition but they are more expected. What I didn’t expect was that I would be going through so much transition just because my kids are. This has been a doozy that I didn’t really see coming.

I had to deal with the transition when Mason left for college his freshman year. I didn’t expect to be nearly as emotional as I was. Lots of tears. Did the same for Audrey last year. You are welcome kids. At least you know clearly your mom loves you and likes you being around. I am sure it makes it easier on them if you don’t sob in front of them as they are trying to prepare for this new adventure but I couldn’t help myself. Whatever.

What I didn’t expect is that it continues. Someone described it as moving from the director of their lives to a consultant. That rings true for me. When they are small, they aren’t making any decisions for themselves. I coordinated meal time, play dates, sleep time….everything really. As they get older it switches but pretty gradually. They start having more control over their own schedule in a limited way. They decided how some of their free time was spent, who they hung out with, who they dated, where they wanted to go to college. But even so, family vacations, groceries, bills, appointments…I was still in charge of those.

Until now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they aren’t fully financially independent quite yet but really, over just about everything else it’s their decision. I am fully aware that they are over 18 so they could create an entire life without me in it if they so choose. I am not trying to be dramatic here but it is sobering to realize that they really could. I have no doubt they both could get decent jobs where they could make a living wage at this point in their life. They are both smart and could figure living on their own if they so choose. So, when things like family vacations or family dinners are discussed, none of this is any longer an expectation or mandate. It’s an ask. It’s a consensus. And I am grateful when it all comes together. I have very little, if any, control over their schedules any longer.

Some of this might sound freeing but honestly, it’s been a bit unnerving. I have been in the role of mom for 21 years now. I feel I have a good sense of myself and the multiple roles in my life besides mom - but this has been the biggest for the past couple of decades. And the most fulfilling. And I am beyond amazed at the two adultish humans in my life. I love the people they are - even if at times we disagree or frustrate one another. They are genuinely two of my very favorite people in all this crazy world. So the fact that they are gone more than they are here has been quite hard. Learning when to suggest something and when to just observe has been a huge learning process. I’m trying but for sure don’t get it right a lot of the time.

I was so excited for them to come home for the summer and I have enjoyed my time with them but, it has gone way faster and much differently than on paper. I won’t get into it here but it didn’t really look like what we imagined. There were a few unexpected health adventures but everyone is doing pretty well now as we wrap up another summer. In about three weeks they will both make their journey’s back to college ... .and here I will be.

People talk a lot about empty nest. I just don’t remember anyone saying that it continues. Like beyond that first year. I feel my identity is shifting and I am in the uncomfortable in between space. I suppose I will grow into being a consultant and it will bring me joy to watch their adult lives unfold but I miss them. Being their mom and in a more active role has been one of the greatest joys for me.  I finally hit my stride in the teenage years. 

I have more time to read now and garden. Dan and I take trips that don’t involve the kids. It only seems to irritate them so far when it’s Disneyland without them. Who knows, maybe I will pick up a new hobby? Or maybe I won’t. But for now, I have to sit in the discomfort as I figure out what this new role of consultant to adultish people looks like. I think it’s going to take a minute.